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Author Topic: make someone laugh  (Read 140973 times)

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Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #420 on: January 15, 2007, 12:38:13 PM »
'kay. I get it. My jokes suck.  :'(

Surely, not all of them - just that one, right?

(The first clue is when you have to explain it. I find people asking me to explain my jokes several times and then they laugh, but probably not at the joke.)
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #421 on: January 15, 2007, 01:24:24 PM »
'kay. I get it. My jokes suck.  :'(

Surely, not all of them - just that one, right?

(The first clue is when you have to explain it. I find people asking me to explain my jokes several times and then they laugh, but probably not at the joke.)

Been there, felt that, + for feeling your pain!

Offline Nomaken

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #422 on: January 15, 2007, 06:30:37 PM »
Hey, I got it.  I read a bunch of confused posts, and then went away, came back later and read the actual joke, and got it.  It earned a small inner chuckle.
And as always, these are simply my worthless opinions.
Reverence is fine, Sanctity is silly.
We're all fucked, it helps to remember that.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #423 on: January 15, 2007, 07:18:42 PM »
THE ZIPPER

  A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. Not a phrase
that
men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
   When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly
is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

  At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady
was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little
fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,
   "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine
standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said,
  "No, no I didn't. ..All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
couple
of old duffel bags.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #424 on: January 15, 2007, 08:28:58 PM »
This is not a joke. It's advanced technology that we really don't need. I can't help, but laugh.

Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #425 on: January 15, 2007, 08:47:50 PM »
A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a northern University.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
__________________
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Callaway

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #426 on: January 16, 2007, 12:35:20 AM »
 
      A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here." 

Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #427 on: January 16, 2007, 08:43:26 AM »
+ DD.  Awesome.
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

Offline Callaway

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #428 on: January 18, 2007, 06:16:20 PM »
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.




ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #429 on: January 18, 2007, 06:50:52 PM »
It took me a second to get the punch line, but :emb: +

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #430 on: January 18, 2007, 07:16:26 PM »
One more evil thing to despise in our western infidel culture:

Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #431 on: January 18, 2007, 07:28:46 PM »
One more evil thing to despise in our western infidel culture:



{begin bad Homer Simpson imitation}

hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm, bacooooooooon, goooooooooooood :drool:

{end bad Homer simpson imitation}

Offline El

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #432 on: January 18, 2007, 08:20:15 PM »
But good ol' Gallahead was trying to do her a favor!

OK, here's one my professor told today.

How does a crazy person find his way through the woods?










He takes the psycho-path.
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.

Scrapheap

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #433 on: January 18, 2007, 09:04:32 PM »
OK, True story here.

  I was taking the train from Angels Stadium to Lompoc (Surf station) We stop in L.A. and this guy gets on and sits next to me. He's in his late teens/early twenties. He puls out a Gameboy and is soon focused on his game and oblivious to what's going on around him. We pull out of L.A. Station about 5:00 PM  and the sun is still a couple of hours from setting. We come up to the Chatsworth tunnel between San Fernando and Simi Valleys. This tunnel is somewhat long (takes about 5 min to go through) and it's pitch black (except the interior light in the train). This guy finnaly notices that it has gotten dark.
 He looks at me and says: "WOW is it night already dude??"
 I turn to him and say:"No, Gov. Schwarzenneger forgot to pay the Sun bill so they turned it off"



Well?? was that a good one liner or not???

ozymandias

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Re: make someone laugh
« Reply #434 on: January 19, 2007, 06:06:00 AM »
+ :green: