“Acid was my favorite drug, because acid would open up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit. When I was on acid I would see things…like beams of light, and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful like car horns. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because when you’re in the woods tripping there is less likely a chance you will run into an authority figure…but we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and he put his arm around my shoulders and said, ‘Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person. He’s an asshole.’
I went to England to tell jokes, and wanted to tell the Smokey the Bear joke in England, so I had to ask the English if they know who Smokey the Bear was, but they don’t. Because in England, Smokey the Bear is not the Forest Fire Prevention Representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system and we should adopt it, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping towards me and I thought man, I better play dead...here comes that frog. I’d never say, ‘Here comes that frog,’ in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog…alright.’ Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him and put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what he is used to. I will certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, ‘cause he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him. He won’t be doing much in his 16 oz. world.
I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. When there’s a frog around I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly, ‘cause a fly zigzags and my sandwiches do not. Unless I go like this. When I want some honey on some toast I don’t have to squeeze a plastic frog.” -Mitch Hedberg
