Sign of getting old?

[Parts]

I don't know if this is a sign of getting old but it seems so cliche.  I went to a small band performance for my son who will be 14 in a month.  Where the hell were the girls in his class when I was growing up.  At least two of them I would have pegged for collage age only a couple looked like what I remember seeing in 8th grade.  Is this just old man thinking or were they always around.  I remember my dad saying the same thing and was always doubtful.  Now seeing it for myself has me worried about my daughter and how I will have to put the fear of god in any boy that asks her out luckily I still have a few years to work on her attitude.  Other fathers is this a fear of yours?

[ozymandias]

Yes, but, so far The Aspiette aka Amber has shown a pretty level head in regard to the "boys dilemna".    At 15 she's more interested in her websites of Bella Sara and WebKinz than dating.

But, if anyone messes with her the "FATHER FROM HELL" will be unleashed.  Shotguns and rock salt and skinning knives will be on the agenda!    

[Pyraxis]

My father tried messing with me so I didn't date my first boyfriend (at 17). To the point of telling me the guy was emotionally abusing me.

I said "How is what he's doing different from what you're doing?". That didn't go over well.

I ended up dating the guy anyway, for five years. Now I've cut almost all contact with my father, and my father is good friends with the guy and treats him like the son he never had.

IMO, fathers need to get it through their heads to let go a lot sooner. 

[Callaway]

My father tried messing with me so I didn't date my first boyfriend (at 17). To the point of telling me the guy was emotionally abusing me.

I said "How is what he's doing different from what you're doing?". That didn't go over well.

I ended up dating the guy anyway, for five years. Now I've cut almost all contact with my father, and my father is good friends with the guy and treats him like the son he never had.

IMO, fathers need to get it through their heads to let go a lot sooner. 

Was the guy emotionally abusing you?  Why did you break up with him?

[ozymandias]

My father tried messing with me so I didn't date my first boyfriend (at 17). To the point of telling me the guy was emotionally abusing me.

I said "How is what he's doing different from what you're doing?". That didn't go over well.

I ended up dating the guy anyway, for five years. Now I've cut almost all contact with my father, and my father is good friends with the guy and treats him like the son he never had.

IMO, fathers need to get it through their heads to let go a lot sooner. 

Agreed and it's something I am working on to make sure.  Protecting is one thing, but, smothering is something I don't want to pass on.  As my mother did for me and even worse with my sister.  A child has to learn to take "falls" and the bumps and bruises of life sooner or later.  Preferably sooner, the best that should be done is to just be there and be supportive.  PROTECT when necessary, but, letting your child know that you support them and that you will also give them what they need to make the right decisions. 

I had to learn so much the hard way because I wasn't hardly allowed out or make mistakes.    It's not natural to put your kid in a cocoon, life doesn't work that way.  Being supportive and open to teaching builds confidence a helluva better than ignorance.

[Pyraxis]

Was the guy emotionally abusing you?  Why did you break up with him?

To this day I'm not sure. If you give me a definition of emotional abuse, I'll tell you whether he fit it or not.

I broke up with him for a lot of reasons. The biggest one was travel - my lifestyle is to move every few months to a year, following the gigs, and he didn't want to deal with that indefinitely. He has a home and friends and family and a network of job contacts in one city, and no particular desire to leave it. But I was also pretty emotionally exhausted by the point I left him. I'm not sure if that counts as abuse, especially since I consented all along.

[Pyraxis]

Agreed and it's something I am working on to make sure.  Protecting is one thing, but, smothering is something I don't want to pass on.  As my mother did for me and even worse with my sister.  A child has to learn to take "falls" and the bumps and bruises of life sooner or later.  Preferably sooner, the best that should be done is to just be there and be supportive.  PROTECT when necessary, but, letting your child know that you support them and that you will also give them what they need to make the right decisions. 

I had to learn so much the hard way because I wasn't hardly allowed out or make mistakes.    It's not natural to put your kid in a cocoon, life doesn't work that way.  Being supportive and open to teaching builds confidence a helluva better than ignorance.

Agreed. It sounds like you have a good handle on it and Amber will do well.

[DirtDawg]

Was the guy emotionally abusing you?  Why did you break up with him?

To this day I'm not sure. If you give me a definition of emotional abuse, I'll tell you whether he fit it or not.

I broke up with him for a lot of reasons. The biggest one was travel - my lifestyle is to move every few months to a year, following the gigs, and he didn't want to deal with that indefinitely. He has a home and friends and family and a network of job contacts in one city, and no particular desire to leave it. But I was also pretty emotionally exhausted by the point I left him. I'm not sure if that counts as abuse, especially since I consented all along.

One can consent to abuse, but your exhaustion does not indicate another's abuse.

I enjoyed travel when I was younger. Things are very different now, but I think that I could fall right into a life of travel once again, quite easily.

[Pyraxis]

One can consent to abuse, but your exhaustion does not indicate another's abuse.

I probably just got in over my head, trying to be normal.

The first couple years, though, he did restrict my contact with my friends and family and often humiliated me verbally in front of his friends.

To what degree (if any) do you think people have the obligation to watch for others' exhaustion?

[DirtDawg]

One can consent to abuse, but your exhaustion does not indicate another's abuse.

I probably just got in over my head, trying to be normal.

Easily done at times, for me. I always have to take breaks or I am over my head as well.

The first couple years, though, he did restrict my contact with my friends and family and often humiliated me verbally in front of his friends.

I would say THAT definitely constitutes abuse.

To what degree (if any) do you think people have the obligation to watch for others' exhaustion?

None, unless they are really trying to care, in which case, it is not a burden to be more aware of the person you "care" about.

[Pyraxis]

None, unless they are really trying to care, in which case, it is not a burden to be more aware of the person you "care" about.

What about the common miscommunications in regards to intent to care? We were in a relationship, which to most people implies some degree of caring. However I was adamant that individuals should take care of themselves and he was happy to comply.

LOL. May have answered my own question logically: it appears I consented to abuse.

So if he was not trying to care, do you think that means he had no obligation to stop?

[DirtDawg]

None, unless they are really trying to care, in which case, it is not a burden to be more aware of the person you "care" about.

What about the common miscommunications in regards to intent to care? We were in a relationship, which to most people implies some degree of caring. However I was adamant that individuals should take care of themselves and he was happy to comply.

LOL. May have answered my own question logically: it appears I consented to abuse.

So if he was not trying to care, do you think that means he had no obligation to stop?

An obligation to stop abusing you? Certainly,  if he was asked to stop, of course. Consenting to abuses up to a certain point, but not beyond, may be sending ambiguous signals, though.

If a person is not pursuing a close relationship with another then I believe it relieves that person of any obligation to intuitively know when your level of "exhaustion"  goes critical. Obligation falls to us to make that person aware of our borders (close relationships or not) and draw the lines which shall not be crossed without a toll.

[Pyraxis]

Yes, I get it, on all levels.

[ozymandias]

None, unless they are really trying to care, in which case, it is not a burden to be more aware of the person you "care" about.

What about the common miscommunications in regards to intent to care? We were in a relationship, which to most people implies some degree of caring. However I was adamant that individuals should take care of themselves and he was happy to comply.

LOL. May have answered my own question logically: it appears I consented to abuse.

So if he was not trying to care, do you think that means he had no obligation to stop?

You say consented.....let me ask this question.  Or were you naive or coerced because you didn't expect or know better??  Serious question!

[Pyraxis]

You say consented.....let me ask this question.  Or were you naive or coerced because you didn't expect or know better??  Serious question!

No, I wasn't naive or coerced. I was fighting for independence at a time when I was well old enough (17, about to leave for college) to accept the consequences of my actions.