I know what you mean about the rage. After I got diagnosed with AS and my father learned more about it, he apologized to me and said he knew that he'd influenced me in some negative ways. I really admire him for owning up to that, especially considering how he was abused himself as a kid (he never told me this - my grandmother told me).
Lucky. My father still can't even see what he does.
Hell, I remember him hitting me, at a time when I was
strong enough to probably have a good shot at him, and
I just COULDN'T.
Cal, do you think all that rage makes you carry around more guilt than the average person, and that burden makes you react to people in a certain way? I know I do. Certain things people do or say set me off, like if I think they're feeling sorry for themselves or for someone else whom I don't feel deserves it. I get furious sometimes, even though I know full well that those people's problems and life situations look much worse than mine. It makes me want to lash out at them, because all I can think is that yeah, they've got bad problems, but they don't have THIS. It seems to me that it'd be easier to live with stuff that's been done to you, rather than live with stuff you've done to others.
I don't know. I don't really feel too guilty about things that
most would see as the worst. For example, in the first rape
of my PE, the only issue I feel guilty about was forcing her
away from me, after. Rather than consoling her. I was so
disgusted with myself, that I ignored what she was feeling.
And, that was the real betrayal to her.
Paraphrasing Colette: People generally believe that it is easy to be a "monster." It is even harder than being a saint.
Never tried sainthood. I don't think I'm suited for it.
As to giving people ammunition for a personal attack, I don't worry about it much. I've found that I prefer being attacked with the truth than with lies.
Not really certain whether they hurt, either way.
Really, 'twas just an opportunity to cast one of
my barbs.
i get pissed off a lot sometimes when people are complaining about their lives or feeling shit about something, when i think they don't have it that bad. but then i feel really bad about that afterwards
I don't really. I just get bored usually. And upset that
they're not doing much. I KNOW that I don't have
it bad. Never really have.
