Some of my favorites from Carlin ...
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
“Meow†means “woof†in cat."
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think."