Post an Anecdote

[El]

AKA the "This one time, at band camp..." thread.  Post a random anecdote from whenever.

...and I don't even have one to start with at the moment, though every time I do I wish there was a thread like this.   

[The_P]

I suck at anecdotes.

[vodz]

I opened this thread and posted this sentence.

Very nice 

[El]

Aha!  I knew I'd have a totally pointless random anecdote to post that only I would find amusing, if only I waited.

I was hanging out with a friend and her husband at their house yesterday, and we were discussing their female, unspayed, psychotic but oh-so-fucking-cute-it's-scary three pound chihuahua.  Said chihuahua was in my general vicinity (might have actually been in my lap).

Friend's husband, looking at the dog:  "Dumb bitch."
Me (big smile):  "Thank you!"

[Tristeza]

Aha!  I knew I'd have a totally pointless random anecdote to post that only I would find amusing, if only I waited.

I was hanging out with a friend and her husband at their house yesterday, and we were discussing their female, unspayed, psychotic but oh-so-fucking-cute-it's-scary three pound chihuahua.  Said chihuahua was in my general vicinity (might have actually been in my lap).

Friend's husband, looking at the dog:  "Dumb bitch."
Me (big smile):  "Thank you!"

You could have told him "oh, no...I don't think you're dumb at all."

[Alex179]

I went to my friend's work with my brother in my car.   When my brother got out he pissed on the handle and driver side door of the car I parked next to.   I immediately moved my car to another parking space afterwards.   We watched the guy open the door and touch the piss covered handle as we sat in my car.   He wiped the piss all over his shirt, got in the car and drove away (not knowing the wet stuff on his handle was in fact my brother's piss).    There was much laughter to be had afterwards as me and my brother smoked a bowl with my friend Matt not long afterwards.

[ozymandias]

When Amber and I were at the local animal shelter volunteeering, we were told that they had a chihuahua so fat that it looked like a bloated tick.

[Calandale]

Alex needs a job at McDonald's. 

[Rabbit From Hell]

Alex needs a job at McDonald's. 

No, Burger King, I don't eat there, but I do eat at McDonalds sometimes. 

[Calandale]

Big macs have special sauce.

Burger king doesn't.

[El]

A friend of mine got a really bad nosebleed yesterday while we were in the bathroom of a store.  She's used to getting them, so she didn't want me to call for help or anything.  All I could do was hand her toilet paper so she didn't have to bend over.  Prolly didn't help that she was so stressed by the nosebleed that she had sort of taken it upon herself to clean up the spray of blood she'd left on the sink and the floor (I think she wasn't thinking too clearly on that one); I kept asking if I could get anything, call anyone, but really there wasn't much I could do, short of cleaning up the blood for her while she continued to bleed (which I did offer to do, but she had at that point given up).  I held out pretty well until I realized there was nothing useful I could do anymore; she had enough tissue, and she wasn't going to let me call for help yet; all I could do was watch her bleed and listen to her talk to herself about how this was a really bad one- basically, all I could do was stand there and keep her company while she bled to death.  It was at that point where I had to say something like, "OK, I'm sorry I'm such a pussy, but if there's nothing else I can do, I think I should leave for a minute because I'm starting to pass out, if that's OK."  I then walk out of the bathroom and plunk down on a bench, my head swimming (I'd been starting to see spots in my vision).  The next several minutes, I diveded between popping back into the bathroom to check and see that she was OK, and going back out and lying down on the bench to recover.

There's a reason I'm not in the medical profession.   

(She recovered OK, so hopefully she's OK.  I told her afterward it was probably my mind's way of protecting itself- it might traumatize me to see her die right in front of me, so my subconscious decided to make me pass out so I woudl't be able to see that happen.)

[El]

Hanging out with a classmate and her husband- first time haning out off campus, first time meeting her husband.  Naturally, we end up going to a bar and dancing.  The friend kept on trying to get me to do a shot with her, but I abstained.  At one point the husband asked me, "Don't you know all the cool kids are doing it?"  My reply:  "I'm wearing a shirt that says 'correlation does not imply causality.'  Do you think I care about what the cool kids are doing?"  "Can't argue that."

The quote of the night:

"Come on, Serissa.  Slow dance with my husband."

[SovaNu]

anything called special sauce is suspicious. too suspicious.

[Sophgay]

people cum in your food at some of these places

[El]

In class yesterday, my professor was giving a powerpoint presentation off of her laptop.  It seemed to keep falling asleep every few minutes or so, and she'd have to walk over to the laptop and poke it to make it go back the the powerpoint.  She was probably a little annoyed by it, but she managed to make a joke of it- though, I think she didn't mean for it to sound quite the way it did:

"I guess my laptop likes to be tou- ah, massaged."

OK, so the whole class leaves that delightful little entendre alone and we continue with the lecture- and the laptop continues malfunctioning periodically.  A few episodes of laptop narcolepsy later, this middle-aged guy in our class that everyone hates becasue of his verbal diarrhea (he's even worse'n me, plus he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time, and he's sexist and one of only two males in that class) pipes up:

"I think your laptop needs to be massaged."

I managed to laugh only the once, but fucked if I know how.