Fire Away....Metaphorically Speaking

[Tristeza]

HA!  6

[Calandale]

Surprised. Most women I've been friends with
have had FAR more partners than I. Seem to
be (maybe the AS boards here) finding those with
less recently.

[Tristeza]

Surprised how??   

[Calandale]

I just figured likely more.

Hell, I always thought I was terribly
chaste. Not really by choice, most of
the time. But, definitely turned some
clear chances down. Even ones I wouldn't
have been ashamed of.

[renaeden]

Raskolnikovna, Do you consider yourself a nice person? You do seem really nice online.

Heheh, your own question right back at you!

[Soph]

Do you like football (soccer)?

Do you like the ocean?

[Tristeza]

Well, teeheehee, Renaeden.     Thanks for such kind words.  Actually, I've been thinking all day that everyone here probably thinks I'm an asshole extraordinaire!  So you made me feel better, Ren.  But you actually don't count much...cos you seem to be able to see the good in anyone.   

Do I consider myself a nice person??  Yeah, kind of.  But my personality is very convoluted and fucked-up, and I often worry that I hurt people when I don't mean to.  I'm very flip and smartass about most everything, and I know that puts a lot of people off.  I guess that's why I do that, subconsciously.  Defense mechanisms are my stock in trade - I have so fucking many of them that I could never finish counting.

I'm happy that you like me, because I think I tend to put other women off .  I have a very hard time identifying with other women.  Yes Soph, even you sometimes.  This isn't a point of pride with me at all - I wish so badly that I wasn't this way.  It sucks.  That's why I want to barf whenever I read women's posts bragging about how they think like a guy, they're so tough, they don't take any shit off guys, blahblahblah.  They just wind up sounding like abrasive buttholes.  Most of them are lying anyway, because they end up contradicting themselves out the yang when it comes to issues with men.  I can't figure out why they'd want to pretend to be so tough.  I'm working my ass off to get less tough, and it's costing me a zillion bucks in therapy.

So that was a long-ass answer to your question.  Sorry about that.  Thanks for always being so nice to me, Ren.   

[Tristeza]

Do you like football (soccer)?

Do you like the ocean?

I love soccer for one reason...the guys.  Yesh, soccer guys are hot indeed.   

I like the beach.  My in-laws have a condo in Florida, right on the ocean.  One day we'll retire down there, or even further south, like Mexico.  But I don't really like swimming in the ocean, at least not the Atlantic - too cruddy with stuff.  The Caribbean is nice to swim in.

[Soph]

I can't understand women at all
I don't even try anymore
They are confusing and they confuse me. That is all I know.
Although I guess it's different for me

Anyway, I don't think you would hurt people. Not from how you are online anyway. I have bad defense mechanisms that isolate me from people a lot. Makes it hard to get close to people and stuff. I like you how you are though, and you ave helped me a lot since Starbuline died (plus you got Spaceship dedicated to her ) She didn't tend to get on with women that well either.

[Tristeza]

Yeah, Soph...Star's posts on WP reminded me alot of myself at that age.  I know that my own issues come from not having a "mother figure" lol, and being so emotionally close to my father.  I sometimes wondered what Star's relationship with her mom was like, and whether she was closer to her dad.  It seemed so, but I didn't know her enough to be sure.  There were just some things about her that reminded me of my entire family set-up.  It's hard to describe, but it definitely makes for a certain type of personality.   

I was really glad to get that dedication done.  I had some of my own guilt about her, even though we weren't close.  I've told you about it before.  I felt guilty because I couldn't have helped her the way you and Cal did.  I was just too fucking much like her.  I'm so cynical, or at least I was over on WP (I'm getting better, thank you, Therapist) and I was afraid if I got involved with her that I'd make her worse.  Looking back, I guess I did the right thing.  I don't think I was in any position at all to help a suicidally depressed kid, especially one I identified so closely with. 

To be perfectly honest, I was afraid I'd come to care too much about her, and that freaked me out.  I was afraid I'd start feeling like she was my daughter or something, and that just scared me.  She wasn't old enough for me to do nothing but just sit around and swap pictures of Craig's ass with, and talk about supermodels and whatever.  I felt like I would have had to actually be some kind of role-model for her, give her direction and advice for her life, and I just didn't think I could do it.  I was going through too much of my own dogshit then, and I was glad when you showed up because I felt like she had someone her own age.

I think that's one of the reasons I wanted to help you when she died.  Not just out of guilt  - believe me, I don't feel that guilty about much of anything, unfortunately.  More just being in better shape myself now, and able to help out a little. 

And I got this little babydoll to help out, too!! 


I'm obsessed with this photo, can't you tell!   

[Soph]

Yeah I've noticed you like that picture 
His hair looks cool on that, I wish I had hair like his

I've been thinking about my guilt a lot today
Everyone always tells me it's just the way everyone reacts to someone they love dying from suicide. That friends and family always feel guilt. But it's not that with me, I actually KNOW I am responsible in a way, so I don't know how I can ever get rid of it.

I don't think you should feel guilty though - you did something really awesome for her in November, and there are loads of other people who should feel guilty for what they did or didn't do, I don't think you should though.

I think she is probably a lot like how you probably were when you were her age, from what you've posted. She had problems with her family while she was growing up, and argued with her mom etc. They loved her more than anything though, and did everything they could to help her. She felt awful for leaving them. She wasn't thinking right. She said she hopes they can be a happier family now. That just shows how much she wasn't seeing things properly.

I miss her so much it's painful

[Tristeza]

That's rough.  I feel so badly for you and for her family.  Do you blame yourself for not actually going to her in SF?  Is that what you mean by being responsible?

[Soph]

That's rough.  I feel so badly for you and for her family.  Do you blame yourself for not actually going to her in SF?  Is that what you mean by being responsible?

Yeah
I know I wasn't actively responsible... or whatever... but I was responsible in that I didn't do enough to prevent it

I know I tried, and I did everything I knew I could at the time. But I was stupid. I've been reading through my chatlogs all the time since it happened, and I can see places where she said things, and I should have realised what was happening, or I should have told her certain things, but I never thought to.

Out of what I knew at the time, I did everything but go there. And although that would have been really hard, it was at least physically possible. I COULD have got the money somehow. I COULD phsycially have got on a plane. And I would have been able to stay with her. I regret that more than anything. Not just that I could have stopped her, but also that we never got to spend time together IRL.

She relied on me so much, and I failed her. I know people just say I'm feeling guilty and it's not really like that, but it is. I was her best friend. She came to me for help. Even her dad said I was the only person who had really been her friend that year. How can I have fucked up so bad? She was lonely and her only real friend (how she saw it) didn't go to be with her when she wanted.

Even if I couldn't have stopped her (which I could), I could have at least been there with her. She didn't want to be on her own, and she would have been so scared doing it on her own. She said she wished she was in England once, so that we could do it together. Obviously I would never have let that happen, but if it was the only option, I'd have rather it had been like that, than on her own.  So I failed hr twice over. I couldn't save her. And I couldn't be there with her when she was lonely and scared. She was only 16.

[Tristeza]

What would it take for you to step back and decide not to assume so much responsibility for her actions?  Haha, now I sound like a therapist.  But seriously, you should think about what it would take for you to be able to put her actions in perspective and accept that they were her actions.  There's nothing you can do to change the past, and you shouldn't waste your present and future going back over this stuff all the time.  You might have been able to prevent it from happening right when it did, but eventually it would have happened anyway, if she'd continued down that path.  Seems to me that she had it as a goal, and no one could have really stopped her if she was serious about it.   

[Tristeza]

Gotta go to bed - night.