One of my elementary school friends sent me a message

[Soph]

i cant understand why she didnt. i know she would have just thought somoene would try to stop her or she'd start feeling guilty and put it off or something, but not even to say goodbye though. i cant even remember the last thing she ever said to me because i was half asleep and msn had broken so i dont have chatlogs from the last week she was here. she wanted me to help her and make it better and i couldnt. and she hardly ever believed me when i tried to convince her that i loved her and that her family loved her and stuff. i know she knew i loved her, but she never believed it as much as i told her. i dont know why though. she knows i would never have done anything bad or lied to her, but she still didnt trust me. she didnt trust michael either. i wish she did. i would have done anything for her. i think the only thing that could have helped that she wanted me to do was go there, and thats the one thing i didnt do. her dad said she kept saying how she felt 'so alone' , but i wasnt there for her. even online i kept falling asleep and then i wouldnt be there to reply on msn and she'd get sad. she might have thought i didnt care or i forgot about her or something

[Parts]

You can never really see inside someone else's head.  You did what you could.  The whole situation is a very sad one I wish I knew how to make you feel better other than tell you it's not your fault. Try and remember the good things and not dwell on the bad.  I know it's a rut we all can get stuck in but I think you can make it out.  And remember it's  leap year in 2096

[Soph]

 

its also a leapyear in 2008 lol

i am trying to focus on good memories, but it's hard. i'm not a very strong person, so i'm terrible at coping with this, but i can only do my best i guess

[Parts]

You said you would pass on 2008 let's keep our word now

[Calandale]

She told me that she trusted me though.
I thought she knew enough, to realize
that I'd not betray her. I'd try to stop her,
but I'd never have gone beyond convincing.
Still, maybe she knew enough to realize that
NOT doing anything, yet knowing, would have
hurt. But fuck, offing herself hurt too.

[Soph]

yeah she trusted you i think, but she didnt trust me or michael and i dont know why. that was part of the reason me and him had that massive argument a few months ago - i just heard the bad side all the time because sophie didn't trust him. sometimes i thought she did trust me, and she said she did. but then i don't think she did 100%. she had no self esteem so she found it difficult to accept that we loved her as much as we did. i hope she did know it. she said once that she didnt think anyone loved her as much as i did, which at least shows she knew i did, but then its bad because she didnt realise how much everyone else did. she had no idea all this would happen. she told me once i wouldnt find out if she died. i tried telling her how fucked up it would make me but she said that it wouldnt be the end of the world and id get over it. i wont ever get over this.

[Calandale]

No. You won't get over it. But, you can still
heal.

As to trust, you yourself admitted you might
have called her dad about it. Hell, I don't KNOW
that I wouldn't, but I'm pretty damned sure I
wouldn't have. But, I might just have been able
to make her promise not to, until I got a chance
to come down and talk to her. I don't know how
much good that would have done, but I tend to
believe that I can do miracles.

[Soph]

yeah. i never really thought about it that way. i knew i would never have hurt her or do anything bad to her, so i didnt understand why she didnt trust us. but yeah, i would have done things she didnt want me to do if i thought it was best for her, so maybe that explains it a bit. she would have done that too though, i got really depressed once and she looked up the police numbers where i live (was before we had each others phone numbers, luckily, as she might have called my mum lol). i wish i had known this was going to happen though. i keep thinking it through in my head how i could have called her mom or her dad or even her school or something, and got them to go and find her. but i think i should stop doing that as it doesnt solve anything. i regret so much though.

[Calandale]

Yeah. I wish I'd've known too.
I would have played things differently.
I was always afraid. Afraid she'd get hooked.
But, if I KNEW that I could prevent it that
way, yeah, I would have.

[SovaNu]

i doubt it. i want starbuline to come back. i'm shit without her.
she would be sad if i found another friend i loved as much as her.

she would have been sad but now she's up in the clouds so to speak so she would want you to find a friend now. i'm sure. love is all different flavours, and Starbuline was a unique flavor. but you will find other flavored friends that will fill the friendship hole, just not the Starbuline shaped hole. i think she knows she won't be abandoned if you find a new friend. it will be a different friend and different friendship. does that make sense to anyone but me?

[renaeden]

i doubt it. i want starbuline to come back. i'm shit without her.
she would be sad if i found another friend i loved as much as her.

she would have been sad but now she's up in the clouds so to speak so she would want you to find a friend now. i'm sure. love is all different flavours, and Starbuline was a unique flavor. but you will find other flavored friends that will fill the friendship hole, just not the Starbuline shaped hole. i think she knows she won't be abandoned if you find a new friend. it will be a different friend and different friendship. does that make sense to anyone but me?

It makes loads of sense to me. I you for it.

[Soph]

i think it makes sense to me as well. that's probably a bad thing though- i'm crazy 

i hope if she was still there somewhere she knows i wouldn't be replacing her. things would all be ok if she was still here. we could get schmoo and flo and sit watching movies and listening to music all day. and she would get to drink lucozade 

[SovaNu]

i'm crazy too so it evens out. and thanks renaeden, looks like you're crazy too.

i like your fish Soph.

[Calandale]

I miss her fish.

I wish she'd slip me the fish.

[SovaNu]

mmm fish.