ask soph anyfuckingthing

[Soph]

I can't stop thinking that maybe she didn't know
Maybe she was so depressed that she thought I didn't love her anymore and she died on her own without knowing that people loved her
I told her all the time but because I didn't mnow it was going to happen, I didn't tell her enough before she did i

There is absolutely no way that she didn't know that you loved her, Soph.

I hope
so
I told her every day practically (maybe literally every day actually, she got depressed so much)
I know she'd tell me it's not my fault if she was here and that I was a good friend and all the other things she used to say, and I know she's mean it.. But I still don't know if it's true

I was a good friend in that I wanted the best for her in everything and I would have done anything for her
But I was a bad friend in that I fucked up and was stupid and didn't do what I should have

[renaeden]

It would have been massive for me to go to California
But I could have gone just for a week or something
Her dad told me how she kept saying how lonely she was
And even though her family did everything they could, she wanted a friend there with her
I was her best friend and whichever way I look at it, I failed her
And now everyone is suffering and there's nothing I can do to change it

Exactly. I do not have social anxiety, but I know I could not have done something like this. It is too big.
With my friend who committed suicide, I still feel guilt 13 years later but I know that there was nothing I could have done for him. No matter what I could have said to him or done for him, he had already made up his mind. I had to keep going and remember the good things about him and move on from feeling so bad about what happened. I still have very clear memories of him and I feel good about that.

[Tristeza]

You're giving yourself too much power in this scenario, and it's not healthy and it's not right.  There's nothing anyone can do for another person once their mind is made up.  It's not your fault.  I know you're sick of hearing this, but I'm sick of you blaming yourself.  You are not a bad person if you move on, Soph.

[Soph]

She said this right at the end fo December;

30/09/2007  19:39:03  София  Soph  same
30/09/2007  19:39:10  София  Soph  I wish I didn't tell you I was suicidal
30/09/2007  19:39:16  Soph  София  why:(
30/09/2007  19:39:27  София  Soph  because then id be dead
30/09/2007  19:39:39  Soph  София  how?
30/09/2007  19:42:02  София  Soph  if I didn't tell you I was suicidal that day when I went to the hospital i'd be dead
30/09/2007  19:42:09  София  Soph  I wish I didn't tell anyone
30/09/2007  19:42:21  Soph  София  you should always tell someone wwhen yuore suciidal
30/09/2007  19:42:34  София  Soph  I shouoldn't

I hadpwoer then, and that was in May
If I did it then, I should ahve been able t do it in October
If she'd told me, I could have done something
And I think she didn't tell me becuase  of the week before when it might have looked like I didn't care
I knew how to help her and what to say to her when she got like that
And because i thought it would make things worse that time, I was different that night
And Now I regret that more than anything

[Soph]

I mean at the end fo September

[renaeden]

I think she didn't want you to help her because she had already made up her mind. So I think you did what you could and there was nothing else you could have done. That was not your fault in any way.
That is what I feel.

[Tristeza]

To me, it sounded like she'd already made up her mind not to tell you the next time.  And I know you were scared of the same thing, that she wasn't going to tell you.  It was awful to read that log, because I can see your point and I understand why you feel the way you do.  But there's a limit - her mind was her own and her decision was her own.  You have to make the decision to make peace with it all.  I really think you need Zoloft - it'll dull some of the urge to re-run this over and over. 

[Soph]

I think maybe I should do the things I wanted to do after she died, and then that might help me get better

I still haven't read White Oleander yet even though I bought it

[Tristeza]

Yeah, do some things you guys talked about doing together, some positive stuff that will make you think of her in a good way.

[Soph]

I'm going to read this:

16/10/2007  05:37:16  I'm a Sophie  spastic  have you ever read the book white oleander?
16/10/2007  05:37:21  spastic  I'm a Sophie  no
16/10/2007  05:37:35  I'm a Sophie  spastic  ive read it about 10 times and im reading it again now
16/10/2007  05:37:49  I'm a Sophie  spastic  you remind me exactly like the main character astrid 
16/10/2007  05:37:52  I'm a Sophie  spastic  same personality
16/10/2007  05:38:01  spastic  I'm a Sophie  what are they
16/10/2007  05:38:25  I'm a Sophie  spastic  she's really quiet, but smart, artistic, and the book is in her point of view
16/10/2007  05:38:29  I'm a Sophie  spastic  the book is so fucking good
16/10/2007  05:38:50  spastic  I'm a Sophie  i didnt know i had a personality lol
16/10/2007  05:38:56  I'm a Sophie  spastic  you do:-O
16/10/2007  05:39:03  I'm a Sophie  spastic  ofcourse you do
16/10/2007  05:39:03  spastic  I'm a Sophie  a shit one lol
16/10/2007  05:39:06  I'm a Sophie  spastic  no:(
16/10/2007  05:39:18  spastic  I'm a Sophie  ja
16/10/2007  05:39:24  I'm a Sophie  spastic  nyet

i should watch lilja as well

she asked me if i wanted to watch it again with her on 15th october
we never got thechance though...
ai'm glad we did at least onece though

[Calandale]

*censored by request of the powers that be*

[Soph]

Censorship is hot

[Tristeza]

Please censor your avatar for me, Soph...cuz I'm wanting to slap it!!     In a good way, of course.   

[Soph]

 



Just after he said dedicated to Sophie:



And during the song:

[Tristeza]

   Schweeet!!  He is so hot.  I'm thinking that he's getting a little too old for me, though.  He IS 30, after all. 

I remember Sophie saying she liked that song because of the line "we're only 14 years apart."   

Haha, I think Craiggie-licious may wind up converting you if you're not careful!!