Post an offensive fact about yourself!

[Triste]

Speaking of Ashlee (OMG have you seen her new face post-surgery?) I read People magazine 

[QuirkyCarla]

Unfortuantely I have not seen it. If that's in the current issue, I'll have to read it. 

[Triste]

Here's a picture of her, QC:  http://www.mtv.pl/uploads/pr/10/16/Jessica%20i%20Ashlee%20Simpson.JPG

[Triste]

My teenagers are driving me crazy.  Loud music, disrespectful attitudes, etc.  Typical teen behavior, but so offensive to my neurological system.  To quote a friend "For about 10 years they're wastes of space and energy".  That made me feel better.  Only 5 years to go.

Rant:  In order for daughter to get driver's license before she's 18, she has to practice driving for 50 hours, with me in the passenger seat.  We can't even get to the end of our road before we're pissed at each other - how the fu*k are we going to make 50 hours???  And what stupid beaurocrat thought this one up - surely somebody who's never had teenagers.  And most importantly, is she going to crash the car and kill us? 

[McGiver]

i collect ear wax.

i keep thinking that ear wax holds the key to the cure for deafness.
one day i'll be prepared and very rich.

[hiroshima]

Yesterday I went to the korean grocery store and had to pee.  I really did not want to know or ask about any public restroom that might be in that place, when I remembered the tupperware container in the car in which I'd put ice water during a previous trip to the beach.

So, once in the car, I slipped of my panties, positioned myself above the tupperware container and peed in it.  I let things drip dry for a moment and then took advantage of the fact that it was raining torrentially and rinsed the tupperware container in a 4 inch puddle.

Then I slipped my panties back on and drove to the next destination (best buy).

[Triste]

Ooh, you definitely deserve a bite for that one, you outrageous thing you.

I was driving in SF one day (please don't call it San Fran) about to get onto the Bay Bridge, huge traffic jam, no exits, and had to pee.  I looked down and lo and behold,  in my car was a very large 7-11 cup.  Liter size.  The traffic was going pretty slow, so I decided to go for it.  I was able, while driving, to relieve myself and not spill a drop.  I was very proud of myself but also it was kind of gross.  Dumped it out the side and tried to forget the whole thing.

[McGiver]

i went to the doctors 2 days ago for bloodwork.
afterwards the nurse handed me a plastic container and said the doctor wants a urine sample also.
she left the examination roon and left the door open.
i said, "hey wait, don't you want to close the door."
she said, " uh, i thought you would do it in the bathroom, down the hall."
oblivious, i said, "but, i'm a guy."
she said, "yeah, and what are you going to do if you overflow it."

[Triste]

LOL
As a nurse, I really appreciate that story.
I've had male patients take their urinals home, so they wouldn't have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

[Hibakusha]

I have not been to the voting booth in 12 years

[McGiver]

i derive pleasure from other peoples success stories.

[Triste]

I am infected with staphylococcus aureus.

[Nomaken]

I am aroused by womens faces more than any other part of their body.  So if I can see your face, you are arousing me.

[Triste]

I slept with my dog.

[Hibakusha]

I sleep with my dog and like it