FUCK! I think i really am a narcissist.
Pathological narcissism is a defense mechanism intended to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "False Self" which is omnipotent, invulnerable and omniscient. The narcissist uses the False Self to regulate his or her labile sense of self-worth by extracting from any form of attention, both positive and negative, his narcissistic supply. This narcissistic supply can be defined as a constant need or hunger for attention.
I don't have this down really well, but I do effectively do it: I go through periods of small depression(literally what it is is i get stuck in thought loops of my embarassing moments and failures and such) and i come out of it by feeling and remembering my strengths and accomplishments and such(i get stuck in thought loops of memories of my successes) and afterwards i exist in a kind of high. I feel like i can accomplish anything. I am just hungering for something hard to try and accomplish. -- Infact during a few of these highs i have explicitly asked my dad for a really good big goal, and he just isn't unreasonable and fanatic to have a real goal he wants accomplished like save the whales or eliminate poverty, so i'm kind of pissed nobody will give me a real goal worth doing. All they want me to do is finish college and get a job and become financially secure. What kind of a thing is that to LIVE for? -- I wouldn't go so far as to say I am omnipotent, or invulnerable, and definitely not omnisentient, but i do feel like i have an incredible potential that i feel is going to waste. I think this may be a defense mechanism i use so i dont disappoint myself. If i don't expect myself to really be omnipotent, invulnerable, or omnisentient, then i can't fail. Anything that goes wrong is merely a setback.
And I really AM an attention whore. I have this method, or you might call it a defense mechanism, where i don't too openly try to whore my attention. Because I know, i have learned, that attention whores become ostracized, and you know what? That doesn't strike me as conducive to getting attention. And peoples opinions do matter to me. A positive comment made in earnest will make me feel so happy, and make my day so wonderful, and i may be happy the whole week. And the opposite may thrust me into a depression(were talking minor temporary shit here).
Patients with NPD feel injured, humiliated and empty when criticized. They often react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some patients with NPD socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying grandiosity. Dysthymic and depressive disorders are common reactions to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy. There are a whole range of narcissistic reactions, styles, and personalities ? from the mild, reactive and transient, to the permanent personality disorder.
I can't stand being critisized about something. I go apeshit over the corrections on an english paper. And i've noticed that I will admire and be interested in a teacher until they disagree with me(if it is on one thing, i might not care... alot, but if it is on too many things...) i reassure myself that whatever they think is just an opinion and i dont need to agree with him to pass his class. Also, over my lifetime, when challenged in some way, i will throw all caution to the wind and charge right back at them. Every time where i got into a situation where it was knuckle under or be suspended, i got suspended. I got suspended like 40 days out of the year or some absurd number. If someone threatens me, I will rise to the challenge(if it is genuine) even if it probably means certain death to me.
And I do try to be modest and humble, but i'd like to think i do that because it is unkind to be arrogant and grandiose. It annoys the shit out of me when people talk down to me and brag. I wouldnt wish that on anybody. But I also try to be modest and humble to avoid others critisizing me. And i'd like to think my modesty and humility come from understanding that even if i am really good at whatever, i know i'm not the best.
But behind my modesty and humility, I am EXTREMELY conceited. But i wouldn't want someone else to suffer through listening to me be conceited.
The interpersonal relationships of patients with NPD are typically impaired due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply).
For one thing, i know i have this kind of... conviction that i have the right to achieve my own happiness. I've had it my whole life.
I have also noticed that while I will defer to others wishes if they conflict with my own to some degree, if i can't figure a persons values into my own, i can't empathize with them. (I've often been very good at deluding myself into understanding others values in my frame of reference.)
However, I think that if you approach life reasonably you must acknowledge that you want to keep at peace with people you are required to work with. It seems that these people who I care for their attention so, I should do what I can to earn their attention. And usually what earns their attention is kindness and understanding. I don't understand sociopaths for the same reason(well actually i understand them as having a severe urge towards impulsive decisions, but as smart as some of them are, i'd think they'd realize they really need to work against those impulses.) they are smart enough to gain peoples trust and work with them, and then they blow it all on some stupid impulsive desire that screws up their lives in the short or long term. Long term planning dammit! Long term planning! If you have the emotional capacity to do whatever you need to do to become happy without guilt from anything you do to whoever, then don't blow it all on some stupid snickers bar or something! You could become a politician!
Though often ambitious and capable, inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreement and criticism make it difficult for people with NPD to work with a team or to maintain long-term professional achievements. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap").
"The narcissists fantastic grandiosity, frequently couple with a hypomanic mood" Remember that high i mentioned?
But in this case, i dont feel my accomplishments are disporportionate to my feelings of exactly how capable and competant I am, because I do easily get A's in classes, simply by paying attention in class, and reading the material occasionally. I absorb information like a sponge. However just a week or so ago I did suppose that I might be able to create a machine with artificial sentience if i work my entire life on it. Which even I admit is a kind estimate on the time it would take to do it, or that i would end up making a fairly crappy sentience as a result, or it means that sentience is embarassingly simple. So that might classify as delusion of granduer i have no hope of achieving. But seriously. I really feel in my gut that I could do it. Either I could do it or i could make some SERIOUS headway in the area, and pave a lot of the road to such an accomplishment.
Also it is true, i hate working in teams. Generally speaking I find i either disagree with the people i'm working with, or they all work too slow for me.
Patients with NPD are either "cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests"). They can also be either "classic" (meet five of the nine diagnostic criteria included in the DSM), or they are "compensatory" (their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of inferiority and lack of self-worth).
I am not sure what accomplishments I really seek attention on. Because some things which I do I dont seek any recognition on except from myself.
But lets see which diagnostic criteria I meet.
1)has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
I don't think this is true. I don't think i'm important, and i know i haven't accomplished much. I think i may have a few exceptional talents, but certainly not all of them, certaintly not most of them. But I do believe... i have this suspicion that I have great potential.
2)Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
I make sure not to identify them as unlimited, but i do hope for these things. Not beauty though, ain't ever getting that. No use hoping for something I ain't gettin'.
3)believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
That is probably true but it pains me to admit it because I don't want to believe I am so arrogant as to believe it requires someone to be "special" to really understand me.
4)requires excessive admiration
I really want it, but i don't get it. I feed off it like the greatest drug. I'd give up masturbation for it. ... I just tried to think of something really important to me that i'd give up for it, but i'm rather happy that i came up with this answer. I wouldn't give up Genki for it. (My cat.)
5)strong sense of entitlement
I can feel that resounding with truth within me.
6)takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
I can't recall I have often ever needed to. I wouldn't say it is above me. But I do kinda feel like I'd rather not. I don't know if i'd rather not because i've learned that that kind of shit often backfires, or if it is because i'd rather not be taken advantage of myself.
7)lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
I try to identify with the feelings and needs of others, but honestly, truely, i don't think i can do it. I try to understand their feelings and needs and try to see if i can make myself appreciate it through my frame of reference but this almost never works. I really don't want this to be true. Because there are people i'd like to make happy, but I want to make them happy in my way, usually not their way. It be... unfortunate if I am pathologically incapable of empathizing. If that turns out to be true, i might need to reorganize my goals in life.
8)is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Nope, neither, don't care.
9)shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
I try never to show such things, it only garners contempt.
I think it is much more likely that I am classic than that I have deepseated feelings of inadequacy. But, how the hell do i know? The subconscious has the pesky quality of usually being below awareness.
I wrote this part several times. I don't want to post it because the whole issue and my final question is too attentionwhoreish. But I kind of have this fear. Because I've been hearing posts on WP and else where that kind of portray narcissists as the closest thing to pure evil available. Are there no narcissists which people respect as good and admirable? Do they not exist? So am i different, or am i just deluding myself and i'm a picture perfect narcissist?
