GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me."

The girl said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[Yuri Bezmenov]

^^^ Story of my life right there!   

[odeon]

and such a good thing it is.

[renaeden]

Good on him!

[Queen Victoria]

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.

"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"

"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.

"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"

"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"

"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."

[Queen Victoria]

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?
Bunch of dictators.

[Queen Victoria]

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening.
The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'

[Queen Victoria]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100 percent record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI insurance to the new recruits. And then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

[Queen Victoria]

While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."

[Queen Victoria]

Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."

I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.

[Jack]

I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.

It could have just as easily been a catholic with a bingo card.

[Queen Victoria]

While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."

I had to google "baptist casserole" to figure that one out.

My childhood friend is from a Catholic family.  She was the oldest of 9.  After we left Houston we lost touch.  But we found out from neighbors that her Mom left the Catholic Church, cut her gorgeous past-her-butt hair and joined the Baptists.  She would bring several casserole to the functions because she had so many kids.  Side note- the Dad left his corporate job to teach inmates in the Harris County jails.  No word on how he felt about the conversion of the family.

[Queen Victoria]

For Odeon

The owner of the local cinema died today
His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

[odeon]