GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[DirtDawg]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Of course I have, but never with a carnation.'

[DirtDawg]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship."How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather
tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman
sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and
whispered - "Is that one word or two ?"

[DirtDawg]

I will try another

[Queen Victoria]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

'Of course I have, but never with a carnation.'

In the 1960's movie, Carry On Nurse, they used a tulip.  Thanks for bringing back that memory.

[Queen Victoria]

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 90 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they wanted to have a look at the baby, the 90 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again, the mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally, they say, “When can we see the baby?”

And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”

So, they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it!”
 

[Queen Victoria]

Two for Tuesday?

I have a really good fashion sense but i'm just too poor to prove it

There is a thin line between looking indie and looking homeless.

[Queen Victoria]

Q: Why was the fly dancing on the top of the Pepsi bottle?

 A: Because it said "Twist to open."

[DirtDawg]

Sorry, but this kind of goes along with recent politics and such ......

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[DirtDawg]

Back to fun:

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


Then He made the earth round...and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

[DirtDawg]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”

[DirtDawg]

I know' a bit late for a Christmas joke, but this shit is funny.

With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well this past weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

[DirtDawg]

"Alexa, please clean my daughter's room."

*Device responds and begin to vibrate*

*device begins rattle around and almost falls off the table*

*device begins to smoke*

*device emits massive amounts of smoke and explodes*

[Queen Victoria]

 What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's New Pussycat!

Why was the mouse afraid of the water? Catfish.

What kind of car does a mouse drive? A Minnie van.

 How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower? Squeaky clean.

 What is small, has a long tail and works with the police? A gerbil shepherd dog!
 

[DirtDawg]

I would never wish death upon someone who has wronged me. Instead, I'll go with sudden, explosive, painfully gassy diarrhea while stuck in rush hour traffic wearing their best suit and a case of violent sneezes with no Kleenexes anywhere.
 

[Queen Victoria]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!