GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!”

Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

[Queen Victoria]

Some new, different, amusing and perhaps quirky English collective nouns, hopefully, this list of collective nouns will make you smile!

A jam of tarts
A sentence of judges
A load of cobblers
An expectation of midwives
An annoyance of neighbours
A melody of violinists
An impatience of wives
A conflagration of arsonists
An illusion of magicians
A horde of misers
An exaggeration of fishermen
A yearning of yesterdays
A ponder of philosophers
A nucleus of physicists
A portfolio of stockbrokers
A flush of plumbers
A corps of anatomists
A bodge of DIYers
A scoop of journalists
A decanter of publicans

[DirtDawg]

It's so cold outside I can't feel any of my four cheeks.

Got it.
If you find a nipple in the ice somewhere, I want it back. Mine just popped off when I bumped into the car door.

[DirtDawg]

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit
lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the
phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

[DirtDawg]

In a fifth grade classroom, the teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Now who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult ... who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s.o.b. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh SHIT now we're REALLY screwed!'
Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2016.'

[DirtDawg]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't really affected my brothers much though."

[DirtDawg]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, canyou tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right a ways. You'll see it."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy slapped his leg, laughing and replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on, now, Mr.  ... Who you kiddin'? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

[Queen Victoria]

It's so cold outside I can't feel any of my four cheeks.

Got it.
If you find a nipple in the ice somewhere, I want it back. Mine just popped off when I bumped into the car door.

it would help if you didn't drive nude in chilly weather 

[Queen Victoria]

Dirtdawg 

[Queen Victoria]

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

[Queen Victoria]

Super Bowl joke

The Chicago Bears took the field for their first play-off practice.

Not long after the practice started a Bear offensive player noticed a white, powdery substance on the field. Practice was immediately stopped and experts were called in to examine the substance. With recent scares about anthrax, officials worried that terrorists had somehow gained access to the field.

A group of nervous Chicago players stood and watched as the substance was examined.

Finally the tests were completed and the experts revealed that the powder was just the chalk dust from the goal line. It was an understandable mistake considering the Bears' offense seldom got near that area of the field.

[renaeden]

True story:

One morning my aunty (as a little kid) was playing outside while there was a construction site next door. My mum walked by, she was on her way to work. One of the workmen said to my aunty, "Phwoah, she's all right, how old is she?"
 My aunty replied, "Well she goes to work, so she must be at least a hundred!"

[DirtDawg]

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."

[Queen Victoria]

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it.

The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ".

The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Everybody is astonished and ask him how did he do it?

He said when he saw the message on the window he immediate knew his position; he realized the tall building was Microsoft because their answers are always technically correct but completely useless.

[Queen Victoria]

A man was driving into town and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road. A farmer came up and said, “My horse Sebastian can pull you out,” the man said ok and the farmer got Sebastian. When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, “Pull Ranger! C’mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!” Then the farmer said, “Pull Sebastian, pull!” When the car was out of the ditch, the man said, “I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?” And the farmer said, “Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew the other horses weren’t pulling, he wouldn’t even try…”