Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21701 times)

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Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #735 on: January 23, 2019, 01:40:43 PM »

People who can not express themselves without swearing fucking piss me the hell off!

 :autism:
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #736 on: January 23, 2019, 03:07:37 PM »
Similar joke:  Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.

How did the Germans beat the Poles in WWII??

Every time the Poles threw a grenade at the Germans, the Germans would run over to the grenade, pick it up, pull the pin out and throw it back.

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #737 on: January 23, 2019, 03:11:42 PM »
Similar joke:  Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.

Except it's

ah -1ah, ah - 2 ah....

and very visual.

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #738 on: January 23, 2019, 03:14:43 PM »
Which reminds me of a follow up.

A german colonel was providing training to the Italian army, and explained,
"I wear a Red uniform coat, so that if I am shot, my men won't know, and will still follow me."


The Italian general turned to his aide and said, "Giuseppe, bring me my brown pants."

Offline Tequila

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #739 on: January 23, 2019, 03:48:35 PM »
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the important moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #740 on: January 23, 2019, 04:14:23 PM »
The victors write history and make the jokes.

Good one Tequila.

******************************************

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #741 on: January 24, 2019, 03:13:11 AM »
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #742 on: January 24, 2019, 03:16:00 AM »
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

This must be from some alternative universe where "confirmed bachelor" doesn't mean "gay".

Actual "confirmed bachelors" are the cleanest people you'd ever meet.
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #743 on: January 24, 2019, 09:51:56 AM »
Matt Kenseth's car breaks down on the Interstate, so "9:12" eases over onto the shoulder.

He carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two of his pit crew members in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers while another two get out of the back seat and begin checking the car.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Matt's disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says Special K, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are my emergency flashers!" replied Matt!
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #744 on: January 25, 2019, 08:09:02 AM »
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










His Diary:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #745 on: January 25, 2019, 08:13:45 AM »

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, bought the first iPad in the county, owned 2 Chryslers and a Dodge, and I voted for Obama and Trump."
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #746 on: January 26, 2019, 02:37:02 AM »
 :lol1:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #747 on: January 26, 2019, 09:54:29 AM »
For odeon:

Checkout Counter

At a grocery checkout counter, my father was sorting through various currencies, searching for US dollars to pay for his purchases.
"Looking at all that foreign money," the cashier said, "I bet you're going overseas."
"I'm an airline pilot," Dad explained. "I frequently fly to the Orient."
"Oooo, a pilot! That must be exciting!"
"Not if you do it right," replied my father."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #748 on: January 27, 2019, 08:53:18 AM »
Again, it does not matter which side you are on, this is some funny stuff.

Last Tuesday President Trump got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not just regular pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. As an olive branch effort I got one for Senator Schumer, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,"Sounds like an excellent trade, sir."
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #749 on: January 27, 2019, 10:49:51 AM »
On a church sign:

Salvation Guaranteed
Or Your Sins Cheerfully Refunded
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: