GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[DirtDawg]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? Do you follow any sports and travel a lot?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! Traveling is very dangerous!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a damn about how long you live? Sounds to me like your life is already over."

[DirtDawg]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan woman are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a non-alcohol beer throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have
so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texan woman, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In  Texas, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

[DirtDawg]

I love the fact this was written with the girl carrying a .45. God bless those Texas girls!

[DirtDawg]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap and sleep things off. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says
the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[DirtDawg]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

[DirtDawg]

A BLIND OLD COWBOY IS SITTING AT A BAR

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a really good a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat and a terrible attitude.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl capable of throwing you over her shoulder.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 195-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and I can put you in the hospital with one hand.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter certified lifting more than twice your weight.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional boxer with twenty two knock outs.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that blond joke to all of us?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No. Hell no, Nevermind! Not telling y'all a joke if I'm gonna have to explain the damn thing five times over.”

[DirtDawg]

All apologies to my blond "friends"  but just so you know, I am a ginger blond. Surely there are a bunch of jokes about that shit.

I know that some of those jokes helped to teach me how to fight.

[Queen Victoria]

Loved, loved, !oved the Abbott and Costello joke.

[DirtDawg]

Loved, loved, !oved the Abbott and Costello joke.

Right?  We should make more.

[Queen Victoria]

The (insert your least favorite sports team) Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.

[Queen Victoria]

Everyone is like "build a wall"

I'm over here like "Finish I-4"

[Tequila]

Everyone is like "build a wall"

The wall is important, but what do I know?  I'm not an American, so I don't get to have a say on the wall.  But, still: build the wall.

[Queen Victoria]

A naked woman robbed a bank.

No one could remember her face.

[DirtDawg]

An ALABAMA couple decided that 11 kids were enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to the veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, ( ‘Real fireworks' are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in FLORIDA, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

[Queen Victoria]

Similar joke:  Italian soldiers learning to throw hand grenades.