GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[DirtDawg]

Try this one on.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive triple-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid, Duh. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[DirtDawg]

Royal Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

An Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the 3 badge Royal Marine with 15 years service behind him, who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the Royal Marine responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[DirtDawg]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE._
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Vancouver, B.C., was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




Actually a true story.

[DirtDawg]

Murphy’s lesser known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Sorry, I will stop for a while, now.

[odeon]

 

[Queen Victoria]

I think the Queen has found a consort for her humour.

[Bastet]

I think the Queen has found a consort for her humour.

Queenie’s on the make! 

[DirtDawg]

An open minded couple go to the Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar...
The man gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "What do you want me to pray about for you?"
The man replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in his ear, and he places the other hand on top of his head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for his hearing.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"So, how is your hearing now?"
The man says, "I don't know, my hearing ain't till next Friday at county court."

[DirtDawg]

A lovely blond woman swished up to the counter at the local library and asked for a burger, small fries and a milk shake.
The librarian glared at her and said, quietly,  "Lady, this is a library."
It was like a light bulb went off behind the lovely woman's face and so she leaned in closer and whispered, "OH! I am sorry. I just want a burger, small fries and a milk shake."

[Queen Victoria]

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.

One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.

We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.

In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.

Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

[Queen Victoria]

What do you get when you cross a cat and a chicken?

A peeping tom.

[Queen Victoria]

Slightly naughty, but a good one.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you friggin' leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit!"

[odeon]

 

[Queen Victoria]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite.."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says,"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,"How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[renaeden]

They put weight on drivers' licences over in America? I'm sure glad they don't do that here.