GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

In case you're home alone tonight or at a party and want to be the life (or death) of it:

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p.

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tonight.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I buy only what I need and want all I have.

Happy New Year! If 2018 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2019 Please?

I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot.

In 2019, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.

Dear G_d, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 5th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2019.

Just heard that in 2019 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear. Be joyous, cause its a New Year.

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2019 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.

I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

There have been many times in 2018, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2019!

[Lestat]

What's the best kind of drink to bring to a politician's christmas dinner?

Molotov cocktails.

[DirtDawg]

Might have to dust this one off a bit:


Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

[Lestat]

You actualy......LMFAO DD that, is fucking HILARIOUS.

That is the sort of snark that only an autie is equipped to deliver IMO.

[Queen Victoria]

 
   
 

[Queen Victoria]

Happy New Year.

My New Year resolution: I'm going to be naughty and save Santa a trip.

Help yourself. I've got a whole drawerful of resolutions I'm not using.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

[Icequeen]

Police in Lexington KY suffered a tragic loss today.





Police from around the world have been sharing their condolences.

https://twitter.com/lexkypolice/status/1079842747782230016

[Lestat]

HAH!

SUFFER! you fat, shit-snuffing pack of whoreborn bastards SUFFER!.

A great present for new years, thanks I always appreciate the suffering and misery of the filth, savour it as if it were fine wine and I somebody who drank (or could stand) wine.

To see a cop so dejected and downtrodden looking like that, as if about to burst into tears, it warms my heart IQ, my thanks. Too bad none were killed, or better still, permanently disfigured and left in perpetual agony after 3rd-degree grease burns trying to rescue doomed donuts.

What I'd love to see, is a donut truck, or one set up to look like one, loaded with donuts, all spiked with something horrific, a poison intended not to kill, but to reduce the victim to a broken, mentally crippled suffering meat-prison for the rest of their natural lifespan. Something such as domoic acid perhaps. Make sure no civilians got in of course, but let the filth gorge themselves. Maybe timed-release preparation to allow lots of filth to bring it and spread them among their fellow swine and loved ones.

Would be as sweet as manna from heaven.

[Walkie]

A florist went into the Barber shop for a haircut.
"How much do I owe you ?" asked the florist, afterwards.
"Nothing at all " replied the barber. it's my community service week"
Next morning, as went to open up the shop, the barber found a bouquet of flowers outside .
Then a policeman came in :
"Short back and sides please. How much?"
"Nothing at all, sir. It's my community service week"smiled the barber.
Next morning, he found a bag doughnuts in the porch outside.
Then a politician showed up. "How much?"
"Nothing at all, sir. it's my community service week"
Next morning, as the barber  went to open up his  shop, he found a line of politicians waiting outside.

[Lestat]

How do you stop a copper from drowning? (well, ideally, you don't, of course, you just throw stones at him every time he starts looking like he might be able to swim to safety until he gets so exhausted he either drowns, or has to come close enough for you to hit him in the head with a brick and blacks out in the water)

Take your foot off the toilet seat.


If this world both possesses a true inbuilt karma system and a sense of poetic justice, when pigs die, they will wake up in a circle of anthropomorphized donuts wielding cricket bats, baseball bats and wooden planks with rusty nails hammered into them.

[DirtDawg]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat. The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?" 

[DirtDawg]

A man was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Then, do you really feel
you are qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"



The stranger turned his back and tried to go to sleep ! !

[DirtDawg]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[DirtDawg]

You actualy......LMFAO DD that, is fucking HILARIOUS.

That is the sort of snark that only an autie is equipped to deliver IMO.

Sorry, Lestat, but I can not claim credit for that one.
It is a very old joke and I admitted so when I prefaced it with something about having to dust this one off a bit.

But it IS hilarious and I wanted to share it here. I copied and pasted it and it was already presented in first person.

[Queen Victoria]

When I get a call from an unknown number, I answer by whispering breathlessly

"It's done.  But there's blood everywhere."