GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[odeon]

Consider yourself plussed again, Your Majesty.

[Queen Victoria]

Thank you all for the compliments and "yays".  I am too often lax in sending my thanks.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

An Essex girl with 10 children, all boys, was at a park and talking to another mother who had just 2 children. The other mother asked "how do you remember all their names?" and the Essex girl said "that's easy, I gave them all the same name: Wayne".

The Essex girl continued: "That way, when I need them to go to bed I can just say 'Wayne, go to bed', and when they are at the playground I can just say 'Wayne, it's time to go home'". The other mother said "but what happens on Christmas morning, how do they know which presents are theirs?" and the Essex girl said "that's easy, I just write their surnames on the presents".

[Queen Victoria]

Mick & Moe

Mick and Moe were arrested for smoking dope; they appeared in court on Friday. After hearing the charges against them, the judge said, "You seem like nice young men.... and this is your first offense. I'm going to give you both a second chance. Rather than wasted time in jail, you could be of great value to our community. Go out this weekend and explain to others the evils of drug use.... try to convince them to give up drugs forever! Be back in this same courtroom on Monday at 9 o'clock sharp."

Monday, the two reappeared before the judge. "How did you do over the weekend?" he asked of Mick. "Well, Sir, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen! That's wonderful!" What did you tell them?" asked the judge. "I used a diagram, your Honor," explained Mick. "I drew two circles; I told them' the big circle is your brain before drugs; the small circle is your brain after drugs.' "

"That's quite admirable," remarked the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he inquired of Moe.

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156! That's truly amazing! How in the world did you manage to do that?" "Well, Judge, I used a similar approach. I also drew a large circle and a small circle. I said, pointing to the small circle,' this is your asshole before prison. ..........' "

[Queen Victoria]

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What did the Eagle say when he was cold?
A: Birrrrrd.

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: Did you hear about the boy who turned up to school with only 1 glove?
A: He said the weather man said it's going to be cold but on the other hand it might be warm

Q: Why did the blonde serve her cheating husband frozen leftovers?
A: She heard that "Revenge is a dish best served cold".

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...

[Queen Victoria]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

[sg1008]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

I was just recently thinking about this commandment, and how it seems to be mostly overlooked for one reason or another.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey jumps up on the bar and eats a whole bowl of peanuts without even chewing them. Then he plucks an olive out of someone's drink and swallows it. The man says "sorry, this monkey swallows everything he sees, I don't know how to stop him from doing it".

Then the monkey jumps up on the pool table and swallows the 8 ball. The barman tells the man "you and the monkey get the heck out of my bar".

A month later the man returns with the monkey. The monkey jumps up on the bar and there is a bowl of almonds. The monkey grabs one almond and sticks it up his behind, then puts it in his mouth and swallows it. Then he grabs another and repeats the process.

The barman says "mate, what the heck is your monkey doing now?". The man says "he still swallows everything he sees. But ever since he swallowed that 8-ball, he checks it for size first".

[Queen Victoria]

 

[Queen Victoria]

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

[Queen Victoria]

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

[odeon]

That's sort of sad.

[Calandale]

That's sort of sad.

Probably wasn't a very memorable instructor.

[Queen Victoria]

That's sort of sad.

I know.  I try to have a range of jokes since we have a different senses of humours.  Someone here probably did find it funny.

[Jack]

Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off.