GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Two good ones MOSW.


Deciding to take up jogging, the man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?" And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

(Aside - I don't need that.  I can yell from the end of the porch.  If G_d had intended me to exercise he would have given me two legs.  OH..............)

[Queen Victoria]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[Queen Victoria]

Q: What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate his pie too fast?

A: Stop goblin your dessert.

[Queen Victoria]

What do you call a fake noodle?… An impasta.

Where did the spaghetti go to dance?… The meat ball!

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?… He pasta way.

What do Italians eat on halloween?… Fetuccini A-fraid-o

What do you call a pasta that is sick?… Mac and sneeze.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating pasta? PASTA LA VISTA BABY.

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian lasagna?… Gaelic breath!

What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?… Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork

What is the dress code at a pasta convention?… Bowtie

My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

[Queen Victoria]

A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

[rock hound]

A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

I get the point!

[DirtDawg]

Many years ago I found an entire medical truck being stripped and salvaged at an Army Surplus outlet. I was with a "girl" who took an interest in the over two hundred army hospital urinals.
 
To me these new Starbucks straw free cup covers look exactly like the female version of those old urinals, My girlfriend wanted to buy about fifty of them and use them for planters. I told her they would not make good planters. I tried to tell her.

Maybe this is what they had in mind. Girl drinks too much coffee, stuck in traffic and she has a solution.

[DirtDawg]

I do not have Alzheimer's, I have sometimers.

Sometimes I give a damn and sometimes I do not!
 

[DirtDawg]

My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it!

[Queen Victoria]

My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it!

Wait until the first thing is that you hope there's no line for the bathroom.

[Queen Victoria]

“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper,” said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years.

“Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.

“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” questioned Dorothy.

“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup,” He responded.

After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”

“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

[DirtDawg]

My favorite thing to do when I first wake up in the morning is to roll over and take a nap.
THERE! I said it!

Wait until the first thing is that you hope there's no line for the bathroom.

Been there.
Now my wife and I have our own private bath just off our master bedroom. Our main problem is that she works nights these days and I do not EVER disturb her sleep.  No real "good husband" thing going on, just watching out for my survival.
 

[Queen Victoria]

I cannot resist this.  Priceless and beyond compare.  It wins the Internet.

[DirtDawg]

Waking up on the floor of his apartment and wondering why his hungover room mate is trying to get the blender to make coffee he notices a check in his pocket. He asked why he has a hundred dollar check from the club we were at last night.

He said, like Bro' we were drinking pretty hard last night and we were about to taxi home, but you wanted one more for the road. After trying to stumble your way to the bar across the dance floor, scratching yourself everywhere and trying to keep your pants up, you won the exotic dance contest.

[Queen Victoria]

Waking up on the floor of his apartment and wondering why his hungover room mate is trying to get the blender to make coffee he notices a check in his pocket. He asked why he has a hundred dollar check from the club we were at last night.

He said, like Bro' we were drinking pretty hard last night and we were about to taxi home, but you wanted one more for the road. After trying to stumble your way to the bar across the dance floor, scratching yourself everywhere and trying to keep your pants up, you won the exotic dance contest.