GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[odeon]

*groan*

[Queen Victoria]

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?

They prefer cricket matches!

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

Why don't New Zealanders take their wives to watch the cricket?

Because they keep jumping over the fence to eat the grass.

[Queen Victoria]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

[Lestat]

Don't blame me for this one, its a repost of one told to me by my old man who read it online. (or him for that matter), terrible as it probably is, it IS pretty funny.

So, a man walks  out into his garden one day, finds that pigeons have eaten all his fruit, all his vegetables, everything he had, he replants, waits, and the day he's ready to harvest his crop, the man walks out to find the garden stripped bare again.

So he tries  putting up scarecrows, only to find them shit all over, picks  off a few with a shotgun, but faced with a plague of hungry pigeons, he realizes there is nothing for it but to call in a professional and have him deal with them.

So, the guy calls in someone he's picked out of the phone book, claiming to be especially talented with dealing with, in particular, pigeon infestations.

The professional calls  round the next day with a cage, obviously way too small to hold any more than a single bird. The gardener asks what on earth are you going to do with that, you can't possibly take all these damn birds away in that tiny thing?

So the professional takes a pigeon, dyed bright fluorescent pink. The gardener blinks a few times before  asking again 'what the bloody christ are you going to do, I don't understand..'

And the professional tells the gardener 'this one is trained, y'see? I'll release him, he'll fly off, and pigeons, being stupid, will follow him and bugger off somewhere else'

True to his word, he releases his pink pigeon, it flies off, and all the rest follow, never to return.

Shocked, the guy pays the man his fee, pauses a moment, and asks the pigeon exterminator 'how much for a pink paki?'

(I did warn you)

(

[Calandale]

wtf is a paki?

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

It's short for "Pakistani".

In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.

[Queen Victoria]

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy -- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"

[DirtDawg]

On average, I would say that people are mean.

[Yuri Bezmenov]

It's short for "Pakistani".

In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.

I don't understand why Paki would be offensive unless Paki's were just wanting to be offended.

It's like me talking about old Jap bikes. Japanese aren't offended when I call old Japanese motorcycles "Jap bikes" or even calling them Japs, it's just an abbreviation.

Nigger used to be the proper term for black people until they decided it was offensive, then they started the euphemism treadmill. Nigger became negro then it became colored then it became black then it became "African American".   

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphemism#Evolution

[Tequila]

It's short for "Pakistani".

In the UK it is extremely offensive, similar to the "N" word in the United States.

I don't understand why Paki would be offensive unless Paki's were just wanting to be offended.

It's like me talking about old Jap bikes. Japanese aren't offended when I call old Japanese motorcycles "Jap bikes" or even calling them Japs, it's just an abbreviation.

Nigger used to be the proper term for black people until they decided it was offensive, then they started the euphemism treadmill. Nigger became negro then it became colored then it became black then it became "African American".   

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphemism#Evolution

Have you seen the scene in This is England with Combo in which they commit a racist attack against a shopkeeper of South Asian extraction?

[Yuri Bezmenov]

OK, what's the point of that??

[Tequila]

OK, what's the point of that??

The film is about a group of friends growing up in 1980s Derbyshire.  Combo is the racist one.  It's really worth watching the whole film (and the three miniseries too, come to think of it).

[Yuri Bezmenov]

OK, what's the point of that??

The film is about a group of friends growing up in 1980s Derbyshire.  Combo is the racist one.  It's really worth watching the whole film (and the three miniseries too, come to think of it).

So it's based on true events?

[Tequila]

It's largely based on the director's own experiences growing up there, people he knew.