GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Lestat]

Fucks sake, just leave this thread to QV, and leave the bellendery out of it, QV/PR can outdo the lot of us with obscene jokes, never mind the feuding.

[Queen Victoria]

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside.
 
‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’

[Queen Victoria]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “Whatcha doing, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

[Queen Victoria]

Little boy to mother: “Mommy, can I go swimming?”

Mother: “Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jellyfish and sharks.”

Little boy: “But Daddy went swimming!”

Mother: “I know, but he has excellent life insurance.”

[Queen Victoria]

... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[Calandale]

Oh shit, I like the medicine ball.

[Yuri Bezmenov]

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box". "OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist. "Where did you get that?" says the barman. " I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man. "Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted a 1,000 bucks!" "Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?"

[Al Swearegen]

A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box". "OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist. "Where did you get that?" says the barman. " I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man. "Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted a 1,000 bucks!" "Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?"

No.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

I didn't get it right away either Pappy.

Once you get it you'll piss yourself laughing though.

[Calandale]

Must be a football joke.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

Must be a football joke.

It's a laundry joke.

[Yuri Bezmenov]

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

I didn't get it right away either Pappy.

Once you get it you'll piss yourself laughing though.

It's an Aggie joke that isn't very funny.   

You're not from here, I highly doubt you'd get Aggie jokes.

[Calandale]

Must be a football joke.

It's a laundry joke.

Texas A&M is big on that?

[Queen Victoria]

Oh shit, I like the medicine ball.