GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

A teenager came into the clothing store where I work and browsed for over an hour before choosing the perfect dress for a party. But the next day she was back with the outfit.

“Can I please exchange this for something else?” she asked.

I was surprised, but I couldn’t argue with her explanation: “My parents like it.”

[odeon]

^Not a laugh but a universal truth. +S

[Queen Victoria]

When my sister was in high school, she went out with the captain of the chess team.

My parents loved him because they figured any guy who took three hours to make a move was OK.

[Queen Victoria]

The afterlife must be crazzzzzzy. People are dying to get in.

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”

[odeon]

The afterlife must be crazzzzzzy. People are dying to get in.

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”

[Queen Victoria]

 After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

[Lestat]

What is the difference between a toddler and a roadkill deer?

I've never fucked road-kill.

[Queen Victoria]

This joke is from Switzerland.  And I thought they were such nice folk!

Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.

Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.

[Queen Victoria]

Overheard at the veterinarians: "I had my cat neutered. He's still out all night with the other cats, but now he's a consultant."

[Queen Victoria]

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

[renaeden]

Thank you, Queen Victoria, for posting light humour on a board that's becoming overrun with bitter sniping.

I look forward to your posts every day.

[Queen Victoria]

Thank you.  You aren't alone in your frustration.  That was my intent in starting the thread.

Please, anyone with some (relatively) inoffensive humour is welcome to post a giggle or two here. 

[Gopher Gary]

I also appreciate My Majesty's humor thread.   

[Queen Victoria]

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf – who was waving a union jack – on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?”
 
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: “What was the date again?”

[Queen Victoria]

One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a statistician ran in to deal with the blaze.

The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.

The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

Meanwhile, the statistician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

“What the hell are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.

“Well,” explained the statistician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”