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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21538 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #930 on: January 11, 2020, 08:38:44 AM »
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #931 on: January 11, 2020, 05:55:42 PM »
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #932 on: January 12, 2020, 11:15:02 AM »

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #933 on: January 12, 2020, 11:15:36 AM »
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #934 on: January 13, 2020, 06:07:53 AM »
What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #935 on: January 13, 2020, 10:42:53 AM »
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #936 on: January 13, 2020, 10:44:33 AM »

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'

'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #937 on: January 14, 2020, 10:35:17 AM »
A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reaches behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner." The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #938 on: January 15, 2020, 12:36:19 PM »
I reached back into my Victorian newspapers and came up with this:

If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't got a notion.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #939 on: January 16, 2020, 10:46:23 AM »
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline renaeden

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #940 on: January 16, 2020, 01:43:12 PM »
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I've managed to tell this joke successfully twice.
Mildly Cute in a Retarded Way
Tek'ma'tae

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #941 on: January 17, 2020, 11:25:12 AM »
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I've managed to tell this joke successfully twice.

 :lol1: :lol1:
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #942 on: January 17, 2020, 11:36:57 AM »
At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?''Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?''Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #943 on: January 17, 2020, 11:56:38 AM »
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #944 on: January 18, 2020, 08:57:45 AM »
Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: