GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."

[Queen Victoria]

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.
The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.
After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.
After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait.
So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.
The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, "Should we have told him where the rocks are?

[Queen Victoria]

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”


(HMOs are insurance plans that have a lower cost to the insured for doctor visits, hospital stays, prescriptions, etc.  They are infamous for short hospital stays.)

[Queen Victoria]

This miserable-looking guy is sat at a bar one evening, just staring at his drink. He's been like that for half-an-hour now.

Suddenly this big, trouble-making truck driver walks up to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and drinks it all down in one gulp. The sad guy starts to cry.

The truck driver is a bit off-put by this and says to him, "Come on man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

The sad guy sobs, "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep after the alarm has gone off and I'm late for work and my boss fires me. Then when I leave the office, my car's been stolen. The cops said there's nothing they can do. So I have to get a cab home. After it drives off I realize I've left my wallet and credit cards in it. So I walk into my house only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I walk right out and come straight here. And, just when I'm thinking about ending my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Queen Victoria]

Queen Elizabeth was hosting Charles de Gaulle- and his wife Madame Yvonne De Gaulle at Buckingham Palace back in April 1960.

A guest asked Madame de Gaulle what she was most looking forward to in her retirement, which was imminent..

With great elaboration (as she didn't speak much English) she replied: 'A penis.'

'n awkward silence ensued for some time, until the Queen herself came to the rescue, and she said with a broad grin: "Ah, happiness."

[Queen Victoria]

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

[Queen Victoria]

So Thor, the God of Thunder, is sitting on his cloud on Asgard when he suddenly wants to visit the humans. He jumps on his magical flying horse and rides down to them. When he gets there he proclaims, "I AM THOR!" to which his horse replies, "Well, that's because you forgot your thaddle thilly."

[Queen Victoria]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ”Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, ”Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child?
A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, ”My wife’s first husband.”

[Queen Victoria]

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk. " He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond answered it.
"Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.
"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my breasts would be fine," she said.

[Queen Victoria]

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”

[Queen Victoria]

An officer came up to me and asked, "Where were you between 4 and 6?"
I responded, "Kindergarten."

[odeon]

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”

 

[Queen Victoria]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, ”I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. ”And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. ”The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. ”I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

[Queen Victoria]

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

[Queen Victoria]

New Year's Resolutions for your dog

1)  I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.

2)  I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.

3)  I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.

4)  I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5)  I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

Cats don't make resolutions.  They're perfect.