GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

 

Paddy says to Mike: "How'd you get on at that faith healing group last night?"

Mike replied: "That faith healer was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!".

 

[Queen Victoria]

Some philosophical humour:

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

[Queen Victoria]

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!”

The fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman…

[Queen Victoria]

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

 

[Queen Victoria]

At my wedding the officiant said,
"If anyone finds reason these two should not be wed, now is not the time.
You've had years.
But find me after the ceremony. I love gossip."

[Queen Victoria]

A man was getting some tests done and they had to anesthetize him.
When he came around he asked the nurse "Are my testicles black?" She pulled the sheet back and lifted his member and looked all around and said "No they look fine."
He replied "Well that felt wonderful and I really enjoyed it, but are my TEST RESULTS BACK???"

[Queen Victoria]

What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ?
The dance of the sugar plump fairy !

[Queen Victoria]

A newly-ordained pastor, in the first days of his first call, was attempting to console the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket, the nervous young pastor said, “I realize this must be a very hard blow for you, Mrs. Svenson. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband–the nut has gone to heaven.”

[Queen Victoria]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered" "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck." "But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?" "I guess I just panicked"."

[sg1008]

I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...

It took a minute for the penny to drop.

[Queen Victoria]

I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...

Good one sg. 

[Queen Victoria]

 Do you ever wonder if clouds look down and say, "That one looks like an idiot"?

[Queen Victoria]

Q: What did Chief Shortcake’s wife say when Chief Shortcake died?
A: Squaw bury shortcake!

[Queen Victoria]

A koala is sitting up a Eucalyptus tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalyptus tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalyptus tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "WTFFFF dude ... how much water did you drink?