GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[DirtDawg]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She
explained, "The egg timer is broken."

[DirtDawg]

Random thoughts of an aging patron:


Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things. I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".

I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!

[Queen Victoria]

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each.

So the first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!”

The fisherman said “Yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman…

[Queen Victoria]

Q: Why don’t fish play tennis?
A: Because they're afraid of the net.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

One of President George W Bush's advisers entered the Oval Office and said "Mr President, we just got word that 6 Brazilian soldiers on a UN peacekeeping mission have been killed".

The President let out a cry and buried his face in his hands, saying "oh no, how could this have happened, this is terrible news, what are we going to do".

After several minutes the President looked up at the adviser and asked "how many is a brazillion?".

[DirtDawg]

Little Johnny:

They no longer teach us how to write in cursive. If I do not know cursive, how the hell am supposed to know how to write my girlfriend's name in the snow?

I am waiting and holding. It is starting to hurt.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

An old cowboy walked into a barber shop, with a scraggly grey beard. His skin was browned and heavily wrinkled from years of exposure to the elements.

He told the barber "I'd like a shave please, but I don't know how you're gonna manage it with my skin so wrinkled".

The barber opened a drawer and pulled out a wooden ball, popped it into the old cowboy's mouth, and told him to hold it in his right cheek. The ball stretched the skin and smoothed out the wrinkles, and the barber gave him a smooth shave. He then repeated the process on the left side.

The old cowboy admired his clean shaven face in the mirror as he handed the wooden ball back to the barber and, as an afterthought, he asked the barber "so what would happen if I accidentally swallowed the ball?".

The barber replied "no problems, if you swallow the ball you can just bring it back a couple of days later like everyone else does".

[DirtDawg]

Haha

[odeon]

 

[DirtDawg]

Philosophical dilemma abound, still.
 

[Queen Victoria]

My grandmother was famous for stating that she was  nearly killed by a falling Insanitary bomb during the war ( instead of an Incendiary bomb).


I once worked with a ward sister who told me off for rushing a dressing with the words "Patience is a virgin"

[DirtDawg]

Hostility:

[Queen Victoria]

One day, some friars open up a flower shop
Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse to budge.

With no other options, the other florists enlist the help of the meanest man in town - a thug named Hugh. The florists pay him to storm into the friars’ shop, wreck it with a baseball bat and warn the friars that he’ll be back if they don’t shut down their operation. With their lives at stake, the terrified friars comply.

The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Queen Victoria]

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

[Queen Victoria]

That master detective, Sherlock Holmes, was sitting on his chair beside the fireplace calmly reading a book when suddenly, his good partner, Dr. Watson came in. Sherlock Holmes looked at his friend and smiled, saying, "Why, Dr. Watson, don't you think the weather is a bit hot for you to be wearing your red flannel underwear?"

Dr. Watson was shocked by this incredible and wonderful logic. "My good man," he gasped, "How did you know I was wearing my red flannel underwear?" Holmes smiled wider and put down his book. He explained, "Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your pants on."