GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Two brief jokes for today.

Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledores office?
For cursing in class.

What did the Librarian say to the rapper?
"I like big books and I can not lie"

[Queen Victoria]

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said; “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

[Yuri Bezmenov]

You may've claimed PMS Elle's title as "The anti-Christ of puns".

[Gopher Gary]

They're called dwarves. 

[Queen Victoria]

You may've claimed PMS Elle's title as "The anti-Christ of puns".

Thanks, I think.

[Queen Victoria]

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"
 
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[Queen Victoria]

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.

[odeon]

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

QV, why do you use the British spelling for "humour"? Is it because you are "in character" or do you always spell it like that?



I thought this was a little bit funny.

[DirtDawg]

QV, why do you use the British spelling for "humour"? Is it because you are "in character" or do you always spell it like that?



I thought this was a little bit funny.

I sometimes spell as if I was a Brit as well. Partly because I use a little piece of software that allows me to quickly find words I need to remember or spell correctly that is sponsored by those who consistently update The Oxford English Dictionary. I often catch myself and self correct the corrections but not always.

BTW, I think that thing was funny.
Going out, armed, to check my shed.
 

[Queen Victoria]

I've been spelling some words the English way since my teens.  Back then I couldn't use the "our" alternatives because they would be marked as errors on my school work, so I was mostly limited to grey vs gray back then.

I also tend to do some English pronounciations:  schedule and scone come to mind off the top of my head.

[Queen Victoria]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[renaeden]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

[DirtDawg]

That is the kind of joke my kids told when they were very young.
At first you laugh to support them, ask for more, but that was it, so you just sit there and begin a slow chuckle from deep inside.
No guffaw, like you had performed to support the joke teller, but you just simmer in giggle juice magic for a few minutes.

Because it IS funny!

[Queen Victoria]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.


The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Beetle says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a king-size bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Beetle are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
 
(It's OK... This joke is CLEAN)
 
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a KING-SIZE installed in my Rolls." 

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT ?"