Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21647 times)

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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #180 on: April 25, 2018, 02:59:01 PM »
LMAO! I would SO do that, if I ever spot anybody's car in that situation displaying a sticker in support of that fucking slag Theresa May, who so needs to be shot up the arse and raped with a sideways brick wrapped in barbed wire on the end of a long rusty metal spike coated in dog crap and left to die. Or anyone displaying support for the conservatives or labour party. May is the fucking antichrist and needs to slime off back to perdition from whence she metastasized. She makes me think of a bloated, pallid, wriggling and writhing, disease-riddled  grub, burrowing it's way through the fabric of society as  she destroyed it. Corbyn is an oleaginous, demagogic, oxygen-embezzling compulsive onanist, who deserves to be roasted alive on a spit and before he dies, fed to a pack of rottweilers, or injected all over his body with syringes full of pus, and left to turn into one gigantic abscess  and die screaming in shrieking, howling delirious agony, whilst somebody slowly crushes his pus-filled abscess sores until they burst inside him and septicaemia  consumes him.

Bloody vile little bastards, the pair of them.
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Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #181 on: April 25, 2018, 11:42:25 PM »
 :lol1:
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #182 on: April 26, 2018, 03:20:36 PM »
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing
you see when you look at me?”

The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”

“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”

The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”

The applicant answered, “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #183 on: April 27, 2018, 06:43:28 PM »
 tired- looking eyes blond Julie dragged herself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They howl all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Wonderful,” Julie answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later Julie returned, looking worse than ever. “Doctor, your plan is failed. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #184 on: April 28, 2018, 09:43:24 AM »
After a day good fishing on Logan Lake, amateur fisherman Oliver is walking from the pier carrying two mackerel in a bucket. He is approached by a Protection Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

Oliver says to the officer, “I was not fishing and I did not catch these mackerels, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I’m ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, tells him that it is unlawful to fish without a license.

Oliver turns to the officer and says, “If you don’t believe then watch me,” as he throws the mackerel back into the water.

The officer says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.”

Oliver turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #185 on: April 29, 2018, 05:54:01 PM »
A couple were attending their first pre-natal class. So that the husband could get an idea of what it felt like to be pregnant, the instructor strapped a bag of sand to his stomach.

As he walked around with his new bulge, the husband said: “This doesn’t feel too bad.”

Then the instructor deliberately dropped a pen and said to the husband: “Now I want you to pick up that pen as if you were pregnant.”

“You want me to do it the way my wife would?” confirmed the husband.

“Exactly the same,” said the instructor.

The husband turned to his wife and said: “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #186 on: April 30, 2018, 01:05:55 AM »
http://michaellinnell.org.uk/michael_linnell_archive/crime_and_punishment/pdf/CP2_Charlies.pdf


This is pretty fucking funny. There is sort of an element of british humor to this, but to explain that, salford is right on the outskirts of manchester and the picture they are painting in this cartoon, if anything its too complimentary, theres scally bellends crawling all over the place like pus seeping from a diseased, cancerous twat sore.

Enjoy, folks.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #187 on: April 30, 2018, 10:54:43 AM »
An art teacher who entered the classroom found the regular teacher wasn't there. She was reassured by a little girl who said, " It's okay. I'm the room thermometer."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #188 on: April 30, 2018, 04:15:10 PM »
I don't get it QV.
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Offline renaeden

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #189 on: April 30, 2018, 08:23:12 PM »
Room monitor did she mean to say?
Mildly Cute in a Retarded Way
Tek'ma'tae

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #190 on: April 30, 2018, 09:57:58 PM »
Room monitor did she mean to say?

Yep
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #191 on: May 01, 2018, 09:50:50 AM »
Not exactly humourous, but I liked it.

The language of poetry comes easily to a child's lips. A girl arrives at school clutching a wilted rose for her teacher, saying, "It was pretty when I picked it, but now it's fainted."

Another girl taking a walk with her class exclaims, "Oh look! Our line is all wrinkled."

One of my favorite poets is the first grader whose teacher noticed he wasn't his usual energetic self. "Don't you feel well?" she asked. "No," he said, "I think I've got peanut butter stuck to my heart."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #192 on: May 01, 2018, 10:19:19 AM »


Another girl taking a walk with her class exclaims, "Oh look! Our line is all wrinkled."




This one I really like.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #193 on: May 02, 2018, 11:18:00 AM »
A student wandered into class 15 minutes late carrying a rather large tortoise.  "Sorry I'm late, " he said, "but I couldn't help it.  My turtle followed me to school."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #194 on: May 02, 2018, 11:23:15 PM »
A student wandered into class 15 minutes late carrying a rather large tortoise.  "Sorry I'm late, " he said, "but I couldn't help it.  My turtle followed me to school."

I like this one.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein