GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

One Sunday preacher Josue told the community that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering box. The preacher said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering were passed, Josue looked at the box and noticed that someone had placed a thousand dollars in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his pleasure with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the parishioner who placed the money in the box.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

The old lady’s eyes brightened as she looked over the community, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

[Lestat]

A job coach went to a primary school, in order to ask the children what they wanted to be when they reach adulthood.

So he enters a classroom, and sits down.

The first kid he meets, he asks 'whats your name, and what do you want to be when your older'

The kid replies  'its michael, sir' and  I want to be a bricklayer, like  my dad'
The job coach says 'thats good, michael, a bricklayer, thats good, solid reliable work'

The job coach goes to his next charge, and  asks him the same question. Kiddo replies 'my name is james, sir, and I'd like to be a carpenter, like my daddy before me'. Job coach replies 'thats a good line of work, good idea'

Then he goes on to talk to the third kid. He asks the child 'what's your name and what do you want to be when you grow up lad?

The young boy hangs his head, looking sad, and replies 'My name is johhny, but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, sir'

The job coach asks 'Johnny, what did your father do?'; Johnny looks down, and near sobbing, whispers 'my daddy is dead, sir'. So the job coach gently puts a hand on his shoulder, sits down by little Johhny and asks 'well, what did he do before he died, son?'

Johnny looks at the job coach, and replies 'his face turned blue, he clutched at his chest, fell on the floor spasming and screaming for help, before shitting himself all over the carpet you insensitive fucking prick, now fuck off and stop turning my day to shite you goddamned horse's arse'

[Lestat]

Mickey mouse goes to a divorce lawyer, tells him he wants a divorce from Minnie.

The lawyer brings the case to court, then the judge examines Mickey's petition, and says 'having buck teeth is not grounds for divorce, this case has no merit'

Then Mickey mouse replies 'I didn't say she had buck teeth, you blithering moron, I SAID she was fucking goofy'

[Arya Quinn]

[Arya Quinn]

[Queen Victoria]

Some tourists from different countries in the Natural History Museum of London are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of the tourists asks the Curator, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The Curator replies, “They are two million, five years, and eight months old.”

“That’s an extremely exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The Curator answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were two million years old when I started working here, and that was five years and eight months ago!”

[Queen Victoria]

Advocates should never ask a Jerseyite grandmother a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Jerseyite small-town prosecuting advocate called his first witness, a grandmother, old woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Reece, do you know me?”

Mrs. Reece responded, “Of course I know you, Mr. Wang. I’ve known you since you were a young kid, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I absolutely know you.”

The advocate was shocked! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Reece, do you know the defense advocate?”

The old lady again replied, “Of course I know Mr. Anderson since he was a teenager, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with four different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense advocate Mr. Anderson almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you imbeciles asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.

[Gopher Gary]

 

[Queen Victoria]

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: ‘My poor friend, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.

In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!’

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and said:

‘Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?’

[Lestat]

LMFAO QV. Thats gotta be one of the best jew-jokes I've heard in quite some time, pretty artfully done

[Queen Victoria]

One stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy avenue.

Cars quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen unconscious man’s collar, a guy emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

[Queen Victoria]

Fidel had a giant problem. He forgot his wedding anniversary on Tuesday. His wife Annabel really got angry.

She furiously told him “Next morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 2.1 seconds. And it better be there, Fidel.”

The next morning Fidel got up early and left for work. When Annabel woke up, she looked out the window and saw a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.

Amazed Annabel, put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened the box and saw a brand new electronic bathroom scale.

Fidel hasn’t been home since Wednesday.

[Queen Victoria]

Negotiations between union members and their bosses were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their argeement.

A working day morning at the bargaining table, the company’s head negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the newspaper page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local bowling tournament with high score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the auditorium.

“Incredible!” he said. “Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn’t sick!”

[Queen Victoria]

An old woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an uninvited quest. She caught the thief red-handed, and screamed, “Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized…)!”

The thief stopped dead in his tracks. The old woman then calmly called the police station and explained what she had done.

As the police officer handcuffed the thief, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the thief, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s Smith Wesson!”

[Queen Victoria]

Married couple Heidi and Jack went into city and visited a dress shop. When they came out, there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.. Jack went up to the officer and he said, “Come on, sir, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” The police officer ignored the couple and continued writing the parking ticket. Jack called him an “as*hole.” He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Heidi called the officer a “but*head”.

The officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more and more tickets.

This went on for about half an hour. The more they abused him, the more tickets he wrote. The police officer finally finished, sneered at Heidi and Jacques, and walked away. Just then their bus arrived, and they got on it and went home.

Heidi and Jack always look for cars with Trump stickers. They try to have a little fun each day now that they’re retired. It’s so important at their age.