Crush

[Fun With Matches]

I just sent my friends photos of me to send to his friend.

NONE of this stuff used to be such a big deal for me.

[Fun With Matches]

Nobody's ever around when you need to talk.

[Al Swearegen]

Nobody's ever around when you need to talk.

I was here 15 minutes later. About to go off shopping though

[Fun With Matches]

I didn't see you, but thanks. In the end I just blasted out the music.

I could have a date soon, with someone really cute. It helps overcome the feeling of being unwanted. My mother really doesn't help, it was kind of the last straw last night, when she ignored my calls again. I was just dreaming of ways to kill myself. Ever since my sister's kids were born, I've suddenly been ignored. From being almost pestered by her to about 90% of any contact to her...texts, phone calls...ignored and not responded to later or anything like that. It's all on her terms. I mean, my mother has always slagged me off to people and unfairly twisted what I've said to make me sound horrible...but still. I lack love and being wanted. I think I need to replace it from other people. I've just been dropped.

["couldbecousin"]

I didn't see you, but thanks. In the end I just blasted out the music.

I could have a date soon, with someone really cute. It helps overcome the feeling of being unwanted. My mother really doesn't help, it was kind of the last straw last night, when she ignored my calls again. I was just dreaming of ways to kill myself. Ever since my sister's kids were born, I've suddenly been ignored. From being almost pestered by her to about 90% of any contact to her...texts, phone calls...ignored and not responded to later or anything like that. It's all on her terms. I mean, my mother has always slagged me off to people and unfairly twisted what I've said to make me sound horrible...but still. I lack love and being wanted. I think I need to replace it from other people. I've just been dropped.

  Some people are simply unfit parents, probably because they didn't get what they needed either, and
  lacked the insight to get help and fix themselves.  I'm sorry this has happened to you, but no lousy mother
  is worth killing yourself.  There are better people out there who will show you the care you deserve. 

[Fun With Matches]

*Hugs* Thanks couldbecousin, you've made me feel better reading that. I just don't understand my mother, the things she does is so hurtful.

Now I'm waiting for that guy to say hi or something...I hope he's an excellent listener. It would make up for the Essex accent anyway. Apparently he has a natural charisma and makes very dirty jokes and is very, very funny. I'll have to see. If he talks to me. And doesn't stop or cut contact with me.

[Al Swearegen]

*Hugs* Thanks couldbecousin, you've made me feel better reading that. I just don't understand my mother, the things she does is so hurtful.

Now I'm waiting for that guy to say hi or something...I hope he's an excellent listener. It would make up for the Essex accent anyway. Apparently he has a natural charisma and makes very dirty jokes and is very, very funny. I'll have to see. If he talks to me. And doesn't stop or cut contact with me.

Mine is dead. I do not think on her anymore. My Dad may still be alive. Neither of them were brilliant.

[El]

Dating websites are a waste of space, there isn't anyone decent on them.

My boyfriend and I have gotten along indecently 3 years and counting, then.   

There ARE loads more frogs than princes (or princesses) on dating sites, though; there's even fewer people who will actually *work* with you.

Other thing I am wondering is how much your own mental health is interfering right now, be it dating site usage or dating in meatspace or whatever.  It sounds like you're struggling to process people and to regulate yourself.  Makes it a hell of a lot harder to have dating go well often at all when that stuff isn't sorted. 

Are you working on any of that- therapy, or whatever you want to use?  Do you have people who will bring you back down to earth, who you trust and who you'll listen to?

[Fun With Matches]

Dating websites are a waste of space, there isn't anyone decent on them.

My boyfriend and I have gotten along indecently 3 years and counting, then.   

There ARE loads more frogs than princes (or princesses) on dating sites, though; there's even fewer people who will actually *work* with you.

Other thing I am wondering is how much your own mental health is interfering right now, be it dating site usage or dating in meatspace or whatever.  It sounds like you're struggling to process people and to regulate yourself.  Makes it a hell of a lot harder to have dating go well often at all when that stuff isn't sorted. 

Are you working on any of that- therapy, or whatever you want to use?  Do you have people who will bring you back down to earth, who you trust and who you'll listen to?

You are right, I am struggling. I've had 3+ years of very noisy neighbours and it's fucked my head up. My mother's lies and other people determining what I need for me IRL (though I finally managed to convince one person a week or so ago that my mum has been making some stuff up about me) has really screwed me over, delayed time...not only that, but my mother suddenly dropping me, this has been for the past year or so, has *really* upset me. I was a massive priority to her until my sister's kids were born, then I was suddenly and highly noticably dropped. Her lies make it so I don't know whether up is down or down is up. I'm confused, I'm in bed all day trying to escape. I'm at my nan's in this tiny room. I NEED somewhere to live, nobody has offered since. I can't live my life and have been unable to for the last couple of years. I want to ESCAPE EVERYTHING. I would move countries. I can't believe what an arsehole my mother has been to me, I don't think I've even explained everything here, or maybe I have, I don't know. It's almost as if she's purposely delayed me getting another council home. Every now and then I starve myself to lose weight, I've been mostly successful, but then I binge eat...I'm about to starve myself again...I need a partner to love me and take me away, I can't stand it, I can't take it...I think about suicide on a regular basis, violent ways so I get out properly. If I was away from here, a lot of my mental problems would vanish. Just as they, and my daily migraines vanished when I first got a flat. My family literally drives me insane, and so do very noisy neighbours. Door slams, very loud sex, very loud puking. Mostly very loud door slams that literally, yes literally shake the room. It has fucked my head up.

[El]

Dating websites are a waste of space, there isn't anyone decent on them.

My boyfriend and I have gotten along indecently 3 years and counting, then.   

There ARE loads more frogs than princes (or princesses) on dating sites, though; there's even fewer people who will actually *work* with you.

Other thing I am wondering is how much your own mental health is interfering right now, be it dating site usage or dating in meatspace or whatever.  It sounds like you're struggling to process people and to regulate yourself.  Makes it a hell of a lot harder to have dating go well often at all when that stuff isn't sorted. 

Are you working on any of that- therapy, or whatever you want to use?  Do you have people who will bring you back down to earth, who you trust and who you'll listen to?

You are right, I am struggling. I've had 3+ years of very noisy neighbours and it's fucked my head up. My mother's lies and other people determining what I need for me IRL (though I finally managed to convince one person a week or so ago that my mum has been making some stuff up about me) has really screwed me over, delayed time...not only that, but my mother suddenly dropping me, this has been for the past year or so, has *really* upset me. I was a massive priority to her until my sister's kids were born, then I was suddenly and highly noticably dropped. Her lies make it so I don't know whether up is down or down is up. I'm confused, I'm in bed all day trying to escape. I'm at my nan's in this tiny room. I NEED somewhere to live, nobody has offered since. I can't live my life and have been unable to for the last couple of years. I want to ESCAPE EVERYTHING. I would move countries. I can't believe what an arsehole my mother has been to me, I don't think I've even explained everything here, or maybe I have, I don't know. It's almost as if she's purposely delayed me getting another council home. Every now and then I starve myself to lose weight, I've been mostly successful, but then I binge eat...I'm about to starve myself again...I need a partner to love me and take me away, I can't stand it, I can't take it...I think about suicide on a regular basis, violent ways so I get out properly. If I was away from here, a lot of my mental problems would vanish. Just as they, and my daily migraines vanished when I first got a flat. My family literally drives me insane, and so do very noisy neighbours. Door slams, very loud sex, very loud puking. Mostly very loud door slams that literally, yes literally shake the room. It has fucked my head up.

What do you have for a treatment team?  Therapy, psychiatry, case worker?  Benefits (what is a 'council home'?)?  Do you work?  Do you want to (is there any voc rehab available)?  Any ties to the community (friends, groups, hobbies, church, etc)?

You sound dysregulated as hell and like your basic needs aren't being met.  Please don't take this as me wearing therapist-hat, because it's not, and you're not my client, yaddah yaddah, but to put it bluntly, for what this is worth- if you were a client who walked into my office, I'd try to refer you to a case worker (who would try to get you started on getting some kind of financial assistance- disability and/or figuring out if there's a way to help gain employment- look into housing (waitlists, years long though they be, possibly transitional things like a shelter or GLE until then), and possibly try to get you plugged into a longer-term system support if it seems appropriate (like DMH- dunno what the equivalent is where you are, if any).  I'd also try to refer you to day treatment (in my area, there's some pretty good programs that are DBT-based, some of which have psychiatry in-house on-board, and they really do help people get some coping skills on board when they would otherwise never be able to tolerate the shit life has thrown/does throw at them).  And I'd want all that to be at least starting to be put in place if you'd go for it and if insurance would pay for it before I did much individually, because all that other stuff would be so foundationally helpful.  If you've got access to anything like any of that and aren't using it, might be worth a shot.

I would sure as shit not tell you to date until you found someone to live with, and I'd be genuinely afraid for you if you said you suddenly had.  Prince charmings don't generally come to rescue you from that type of shit.  Maybe, if you're ridiculously lucky.  But mostly, predators will see prey.  If your main goal is to be rescued, you'll probably need rescuing from the rescuer, even if you find one.  If your main goal is to become more self-sufficient, you're going to have a hell of a lot better luck.

Then again, I'm a cynical mofo with loads of wisdom but also plenty of my own bias. 

[Walkie]

I've been following this thread, and felt i had nothing to add  to what others were saying. I figure it's high time I posted "Listening" though.

And maybe i should add that i'm aware of the difficulties of translating Elle's practical advice into British terms, what with the failing NHS and what not, but it's all worth a shot IMO. I just heard from my Ex, today, and he managed to get a referral for therapy just by talking to his GP about his depression. No fake suicide attempt or anything like that, just asked . I was stunned, but that just goes to show.  I really wouldn't recommend the fake suicide route, but if you do  find yourself driven to that (gotta be better than real suicide)  please do keep your gran (or whomever you;re living with ) in the loop. My son just sprang that one on me, and took me in along with the NHS. Pretty hairy experience for myself.

[Fun With Matches]

Thanks, people.

It's all a Hell of a lot more complicated than that. I can't even express myself properly, I've told my story to people so many times, it gets forgotten about, then people ask patronizing questions...this is IRL, and the internet. I get these days why people want to vent and don't want problem-solving. Hell yes if people knew all about this stuff then I would ask for advice, but 99.9% of people think they know but don't.

I'm really not having a go at anyone here, it is just my experience, and talking about my problems stresses the life out of me. I believe now a partner is the way to go, and I'm giving it a good go, because I've tried everything else. For example, I have two social workers, I have a council flat, the noisy neighbour situation has been going on for three years. The council said they'd help but instead rehoused me into a place with a history of noise problems, and frankly I think the motherfuckers deserve to die in a fire for getting me into this mess.

I also very recently bought a pair of customized ear defenders, and although I don't think they're going to work, I'm going to give them a try. I tried reading last night this book on sensory defensiveness (because no, it must be my sensitive hearing so a couple of bastard friends told me) and all it recommended was to get more exercise to relieve the stress. FTR my old noisy neighbours were all heard by the other neighbours, it was just luck that I fucking happened to be directly underneath them. And my mum saw my current flat shake when the old evil cunt below me decided to fiercely slam her door. She also had a go at my mother that I needed to be put back on my medication and that she would call the police on me.

No more explanation. I can't bear any of this. I've been to countless meetings having to regurgitate this negative crap. I just want to pretend none of it ever happened.

[Fun With Matches]

Next topic:

[Gopher Gary]

Next topic:

Rectal foreign body xrays. 

[Fun With Matches]

..That looks like a cassette tape.