make someone laugh, pt 2

[renaeden]

^ I have heard a different version of that second one. What is green and brown and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.

[DirtDawg]

Ah, that reminds me. I need to change a light bulb, while there is still daylight. No idea where I left my torch.

Have you used many of those Totally Green (BS!) curly cue bulbs?

I have replaced most of ours with these so-called "forever" bulbs, BUT!!

Those bulbs make this horrible saw tooth wave noise between around four hundred hertz and six thousand hertz. I can no longer call them safe.
I had to remove them all and, thankfully since President Obama's attempt to remove from production all manner of incandescent bulbs failed, I was able to go back to the old style bulbs which do not make that fucking noise.

I do use those horrible bulbs outside, where the noise does not affect me.

... but never again inside unless they are tamed down to where that noise is gone.

['andersom']

I have the follow up on those still in some spaces in my house. These do not give the horrible flickering. But, am replacing them with LED lights. And that light is really stable. The LED light in my frontroom I placed in 2007 or so, I think.
On the attic it is indeed still one of those variations of a TL light in a bulb. I only have to be there for little amount of time. Same is true for the shed. In my hallway, I have gone back to a traditional bulb. One without the milk-glass effect. They can be bought here again, because their light production is so much higher than the milk-glass versions.

Back to the attic light. It probably is a switch problem. When I went to replace the light, it worked. Yesterday morning I could not turn it on, but later in the day, again, it worked.
The switch did not feel different in any way though, so I think the problem is not in the mechanical bit that I trigger. Probably in a contact.

[DirtDawg]

Good call!

Unfortunately, being the newest thing here, those LED conglomerate bulb clusters are extremely expensive right now.

I plan on using LEDs as soon as they are reasonably priced.

['andersom']

I got my first LED light for free. I'm far from rich, but slowly bulb by bulb replacing stuff is making life more pleasant.

For the shed and the attic I have enough left of the newest generation "green" bulbs that need to go with chemical waste, when broken. The housing company and council had an action, years ago, where households got a box filled with them.

[QuéOnda]

Faith, friends and Family. Those are three words.

I like my coffee the same way I like my women: without a penis.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.

[Yuri Bezmenov]

I like my coffee the same way I like my women: without a penis.

I like my Scotch the same way I like my women: 12 years old and mixed up with coke!!   

[DirtDawg]

 

[Bastet]

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche. This Is Gold.


A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

['andersom']

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche. This Is Gold.


A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[Queen Victoria]

Just goes to prove that humour is eternal.  I heard a variation in the 1950's.  This one is better.

[Bastet]

Tips for holyweeners

1. Wait for unsaved children to come to your door and hurl a bucket full of warm lamb's blood (goat or dog blood can be substituted later in the night if you run out) all over their hair and faces. Shout -  "I plead the power of the Blood of the Perfect Lamb over you! Take that! FOUL DEMON!" 

 2. Dress up as the freshly resurrected Christ.  To make your costume as realistic as possible: (a) use your mother's sewing needles to poke holes in your hands and stomach; (b) wear bluish makeup to look like someone who has been dead and lying around in a cave for a couple of days; and (c) stuff five pounds of week-old hamburger meat in your pockets to smell like rotting flesh.  Sneak up behind people, grab them, turn them around, look them in they eyes and scream, "Why have you forsaken me!"  And then slap them very hard across the face with a palm-full of rancid hamburger meat.  It will usually scare the living Hell out of little children, and they are sure to remember their first experience with Jesus for the rest of their pathetic lives.

3. Offer to exchange your giant treat bag with the small bag of an unsaved child - when he gets home, surprise!  BIBLES!

4.  Paint your face black, dress up in a flashy suit, and wander around a predominantly colored neighborhood - talking Ebonics into a cell phone about how the Lord Jesus saved you – in a voice loud enough to wake the sleeping winos!  This doesn't have to be just for Halloween. You can try this anytime. When they ask what you are talking about, simply reply, "Yo, yo, yo wazzup?  I be off da chain for Jesus!  I be  pimpin' for da playa JC on the fly with mad props."  Then give them one of those arthritic hand signals the Bloods give their friends, the Crips.  Most likely, they will persecute you for righteousness sake.

5. Vincent Price may have thought he was scary, but nothing touches the Lord when it comes to the gruesome and macabre!  With baby dolls and ketchup, use your front lawn to stage a realistic reenactment of when the Lord got jealous of Samarians worshiping a rival god and ordered that their children be hacked to pieces and their pregnant women experience the Lord's abortion-by-sword calling card. (Hosea 13:16).

6. The only costume you should be wearing is "The Holy Ghost Halloween Costume." Jesus makes it quite clear in Matthew Chapter 12:31 that there is one unforgivable sin, and that is blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. So, remember not to say anything unflattering about yourself while in this costume – or you will instantly damn yourself.   

7. Feed almonds to your Christian family dog for the two months leading up to Satan's birthday, Halloween. Follow him around with a pooper scooper. Carefully place the dog-filth in Almond Joy candy wrappers.  Sealed in plastic, also insert a Bible verse.  At the end of the Bible verse, in very small type, provide a warning not to eat the "candy."  That way, wicked children who choose candy over the Word of God will get exactly what they deserve!

8. When trick-or-treaters come to your door, tell them you are no different than the Lord Jesus when it comes to playing host to sinners.  Then, take them into your basement (where the heater is set as hot as it will go) and torture them.

9. One of the best ways to witness on Halloween is by banging on a door, running into the living room and declaring that you will not leave the home of the unsaved until they sit and listen to you read an entire Chick Tract!

10.  Place a burning cross in your front yard, dress your kids up as ghosts, form a circle around the cross, and sing hymns all night.

['andersom']

Tattoo.

One hell of a hangover: Stag party reveller wakes up to find a pair of 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses tattooed on his FACE

    South Wales man went out with friends and woke up with markings on face
    He thought the glasses design was something his friends did with a marker
    But he realised it was a permanent - with 'Rayban' written on his temple
    He has now spent two years having the tattoo lasered off of his face

By Richard Spillett for MailOnline

Published: 10:32 GMT, 2 November 2015 | Updated: 15:23 GMT, 2 November 2015

A stag do reveller couldn't believe his eyes when he woke up with a pair of glasses tattooed onto his face.

The party-goer looked in the mirror after the night out and thought his friends had drawn around his eyes with marker pen.

But when he tried to wash the markings off, he realised it was a permanent tattoo, which included the word 'Rayban' etched into his skin.

The man in his fifties has since spent two years getting the sunglasses tattoo lasered off of his face.
A South Wales man woke up after going on a stag-do to find this bizarre tattoo on his face and head

The man, from Swansea, South Wales, was on a stag weekend in Blackpool when he had the tattoo inked on to his face as a drunken dare.

He has agreed to speak about his ordeal on condition that he is not named.

He said: 'I had no memory of getting the tattoo because I had gone out celebrating and it happened when I was drunk. Waking up the morning after, I thought someone had used a permanent marker on my face.

'When I first came home, obviously I was subject to a lot of stares, but I kind of got used to the tattoo and decided not to get rid of it.'

But later, on another evening out with friends, he was mocked over the inking by someone in a pub.

He added: 'The next morning I really started to think about what my family and friends thought. I didn't want them to be embarrassed when they were out with me, so I decided there and then I was going to get it removed.'

The man went to 1192 Laser and Beauty Clinic in Swansea, South Wales, to have the removal.

The treatment has left him with some non-permanent turquoise markings, but those are expected to clear, leaving him with completely unmarked skin around his eyes.
At first he thought it had been drawn on with marker pen, but later realised it was a permanent tattoo

Donnalee Alford, owner of the clinic, said it was one of the worst tattoo blunders she had ever seen, as it covered his face.

The man said: 'When I first met Donnalee I made it clear I was not sure if I really wanted the tattoo removed.

'I had seen some horror stories and some friends have scars in the place where they had tattoos removed. If there was a chance of scarring there was no way I was having it done.'

But he had the procedure carried out on a test patch and then booked a full course of treatment.

The man had six treatments to make the tattoo no longer visible to the naked eye.

'All I can say is that the whole process was amazing,' he added. 'There is no scarring, and when friends who haven't seen me for months come over, they always notice something is different. When they realise the tattoo is gone, they are shocked about how well the treatment has worked.'
He has now spent two years having the inking removed from this face by laser surgery. He has been left with some markings around his eye from the surgery, but that will clear leaving his face unmarked

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3300048/Stag-party-reveller-woke-sunglasses-tattooed-face.html#ixzz3qNQrNAR1
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

[renaeden]

The three tattooists I have been to have said they do not tattoo drunk people. Obviously not all of them follow this rule.

[DirtDawg]

You inspired me and I found a site representing Tattoo Fails.

Check it out; there are many more.

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