What dreaded, or just disliked, task awaits you today?

[Jack]

@Jack, the housing company did not give a shit. They did not give a damn when we had to remove mushrooms every other day due to neglect from the property owner.
We did not soil anything in J's room, only provided clear space in the kitchen without doing her dishes. After a while she got the message. We lived happily together again.

Then it did work. Fair enough.

['andersom']

Would not have told this as a possible solution to Ren if it had not worked.

[Jack]

Her circumstances are rather different though. Normally wouldn't even bother to comment on such a topic, but found myself thinking about it today and thus wondering why it bothers me so much. Then realized it's due to watching mom go through a very similar situation about 8 years or so ago. She took in an ex; the relationship was over and never to return but she was still faced with the dilemma of someone she cared about deeply needing her help. That person would have sponged off her, slobbed up her home, and made her miserable for as long as she would have put up with it. Didn't bother giving mom advice because it wouldn't have worked anyway, but rather gave her a way out. Can't exactly invite Renaeden to move far away from her problem and come live with me, though do wonder if she's looking for advice, looking for a way out, or simply venting on this forum and doesn't want any input about it. Still don't believe passive aggressive behavior would benefit the situation because of the circumstance. That's why I wanted to know if it's been seriously discussed. Some people are simply too nice and giving to have people in their life who can't appreciate that.

['andersom']

I get that.

And yes, Ren probably is too nice. And she seems to be living with a total opposite to her needs. Ren needs things really clean and tidy, For Kayleigh cleanliness seems to be the last on her list of possibly important things.
Makes living together very hard, that difference in practical needs.

Different needs and styles can make things really problematic.

Been there on a different point than cleanliness with my ex. I probably was "too nice" too. Though, maybe it is not even about niceness. There is the need to have things done properly. There is the need in Ren to have things clean. There was the need in me to have things paid. Not fulfilling that need hurts or makes really anxious. But fulfilling the need makes that you do things you should not be doing for the other.

Nice, as in just being nice, without a need being part of it is something else. That comes for free. No problems there.

[Jack]

I get that.

And yes, Ren probably is too nice. And she seems to be living with a total opposite to her needs. Ren needs things really clean and tidy, For Kayleigh cleanliness seems to be the last on her list of possibly important things.
Makes living together very hard, that difference in practical needs.

Different needs and styles can make things really problematic.

Been there on a different point than cleanliness with my ex. I probably was "too nice" too. Though, maybe it is not even about niceness. There is the need to have things done properly. There is the need in Ren to have things clean. There was the need in me to have things paid. Not fulfilling that need hurts or makes really anxious. But fulfilling the need makes that you do things you should not be doing for the other.

Nice, as in just being nice, without a need being part of it is something else. That comes for free. No problems there.

Thinking clean/dirty is only the surface of the problem. It's not simply needs, it's about what one deserves, when a person feels devalued because their home and possessions aren't treated as important, feels defeated when their hard work is undone, feels resentful to be left alone in a mess they didn't create, and feels weak because they are too nice to hurt someone back by saying they deserve better.

[DirtDawg]

Work.

['andersom']

@Jack, Yes, that is about what I meant. The cleaning is one of the things where it gets visible. Looks like Ren's life has to come second time and time again.

[WolFish]

Thinking clean/dirty is only the surface of the problem. It's not simply needs, it's about what one deserves, when a person feels devalued because their home and possessions aren't treated as important, feels defeated when their hard work is undone, feels resentful to be left alone in a mess they didn't create, and feels weak because they are too nice to hurt someone back by saying they deserve better.

This is most a problem when one person has a classic Asperger's collection and the other values space. The things are important to the classic person and they feel devalued because their things are not treated as important and the other person feels devalued because their space is not treated as important.

however py and i have been able to make a go of it. i am willing to get rid of stuff and she is willing to acknowledge some of my important things. i say some because the amount of things is kind of overwhelming, even after getting rid of a truckload of it. it also helps that cleaning is soothing to me. i suspect that in some ways we are not so much opposite as complementary which might change things enough that we get along.

Today i have to tell the student who submitted a blank document for her team assignment that her zero stands since she cannot show proof that she uploaded anything but the blank document. her fault for not being a better cheater. it's going to take a while for me to compose the response, but at least she will not be able to appeal it since i went to academic affairs before she did. she won't be happy when she gets her plagiarism assessment either. this class is teaching me the true meaning of "not my problem."

[Jack]

however py and i have been able to make a go of it.

You're a couple and have more reason to work things out. Am also guessing you don't leave fish to rot in the bedroom for months either. Some of the things read about this situation don't make me think of someone who's a bit lazy or collects too much stuff, leading to a personality conflict. Maybe misunderstanding it, but it reads like she makes a lot of mess and doesn't really clean much of anything at all. It's reads like indirect hostility, like disrespect to the level of outright contempt. Kayleigh probably expected her change to also change her life. but it didn't, and she may be taking out that resentment on Renaeden simply because she's there. Reneaden deserves better.

[Jack]

Apologies, Reneaden. Talking about you in third person is rude. If it were possible to advise or offer an easy way out, would absolutely want to do that for you. You're too nice, so my advice wouldn't be something you would likely do. Good luck.

[WolFish]

grading ecomaps.
each term someone walks away with the prize for worst graphic ever. this term there are two.

and they always get worse. it's like they work to think of new ways to ruin a graphic that is practically done for them.

["couldbecousin"]

  Not sure yet, but my boss often has some pain-in-the-ass job for me to do on Wednesdays. 

[renaeden]

Apologies, Reneaden. Talking about you in third person is rude. If it were possible to advise or offer an easy way out, would absolutely want to do that for you. You're too nice, so my advice wouldn't be something you would likely do. Good luck.

It's fine Jack, I don't mind.

I hadn't realised that my situation brought on this amount of discussion, heh. You are right that Kayleigh has a mess problem in other areas. Her room is the big one. Before the last inspection we had, she had help from two other people to clean her room. Ridiculous. And it still wasn't all done, there is still a load of rubbish and other crap under her bed.

I pulled Kayleigh up a couple of days ago as to how she treats me differently compared to her other friends. Said I will not put up with her rudeness and disrespect. She actually apologised. She has recently been dxed with fibromyalgia and has said she is in pain a lot of the time. But what about her laziness before that? I shall ask her.

Thanks Jack and hyke for your posts about this.

['andersom']

You're welcome.

And fybromialgia sucks, but it is no excuse for being rude to you, nor for having her and your surroundings completely filthy.
Hope Kayleigh will treat you as a person who deserves respect and recognition as a person from now on. And that she'll organise some practical help for herself, if she can't keep things as they should be on her own.

There is no need that she keeps her room as tidy as yours. The two of you do have different needs when it comes to that. But it should not become a health hazard, nor lead to a possible eviction from the house for the two of you.

[Jack]

I pulled Kayleigh up a couple of days ago as to how she treats me differently compared to her other friends. Said I will not put up with her rudeness and disrespect.

Good. Am hoping it helps. Agree with hyke, pain sucks but no excuse; it takes energy to create a mess too.