Being a bit introspective here.

[Frolic_Fun]

Over the past few months I have been alot more introspective on many things, ultimately making self improvement a lot more rapid than ever before. This isn't a depression/pentagram woe is me thread, just an honest observation of myself.

As of late, I have observed my own personality towards other people and at times it even digusts me. Sure I see myself as honest and up-front, but I honestly do come off as a pretentious, arrogant, trollish, hypocritical twat that cares more about himself than others. I also lack empathy towards others in a lot of aspects and continiously fail to see their point of view despite trying to not come off as being dogmatic. This puts off a lot of people, especially my friends.

The problem is not them, despite me initially thinking it is, but myself. I had plenty of friends leave me because I took it too far and inevitably just fucked things up, most of the time I'll secretly deeply regret but sadly such lost friendships are irrepairable. Any friends that did take me back were driven away again and again from my cuntishness, until they too didn't want to put up with my shit for any longer. This happens most commonly online, when I am most open. This means I cannot hold a friendship or even repair one if I kept up with this personality. I don't aim to repair any fucked up friendships however, as I just have to learn from my mistakes.

I find it easier IRL as I am more tolerant and laid back, I'm less likely to act like a cunt. However this still isn't enough as my personality traits exist IRL aswell, so the process of losing friends etc. is slower but still there. This was especially true at secondary school, when I honestly did think I was better than everyone. In reality half the bullying I recieved was warranted because I acted like a cunt.

This may take years to change these traits, but the only way to *not* drive off any people who literally did nothing wrong to me is to not come off as cuntish as I normally do. This normally would make me think "what the fuck are you thinking?" but it really is naive to pin point everyone's faults the whole time and simply just accept that is just the way people are. The world is full of shit so it just gets tiresome and boring.

I'm not trying to say I have to be "nice" and get along with everyone, but I realised that moderation will most likely be key to developing more healthier relationships with people in future. I also have to try and be more socialable in general, as it takes two to tango.



But anyways, what are your introspections that provide improvement of yourself?

[Semicolon]

["couldbecousin"]

Wow, that's a good beginning. Me...well, one thing I've realized lately (and painfully) is that I lack self-respect, and rightly so.
It is not OK anymore, at age 45, to be the class clown and play my general incompetence for laughs. I dislike being disorganized
and living my life half-assed, and I'm embarrassed  by it, and it makes me overly defensive around those who criticize me.
So I have to grow the hell up, take care of my business, and earn the right to be proud of myself! 

[Frolic_Fun]

My disorganisation and laziness are apparent but I've been tackling that for years now. Slowly that's improving.

However, there is nothing wrong with the odd lazy day or two. Tis only human.

["couldbecousin"]

My disorganisation and laziness are apparent but I've been tackling that for years now. Slowly that's improving.

However, there is nothing wrong with the odd lazy day or two. Tis only human.

In my case it's been more like the odd lazy 30 years. I need to get moving!   

[Osensitive1]

Not sure what to say, as my evolution has worked in the opposite order.The road to self acceptance can be a long one. Good luck on your journey; mine is in a different direction.

["couldbecousin"]

Not sure what to say, as my evolution has worked in the opposite order.The road to self acceptance can be a long one. Good luck on your journey; mine is in a different direction.

What direction are you heading in, if that is not too personal a question?   

[Osensitive1]

Self acceptance, isn't that was this thread's really about? The destination is the same, though my road is different from Shleed.

["couldbecousin"]

Self acceptance, isn't that was this thread's really about? The destination is the same, though my road is different from Shleed.

Oh, OK, so same destination, for a minute there I thought you meant you were going in the direction of self-flagellation. Sorreh. 

[bodie]

I think mine is a bit like shleed's.  I guess i have been opinionated, too 'gobby'  when there was just no need.  Things used to seem more black/white.  Now i see ten shades of grey since i have really started to 'think' before i gob off. 

Am starting to rather 'like' meself

[ProfessorFarnsworth]

My mind is chaotic, as quite literally I can think of up to 5 things at once. It's more like switching rapidly between thought processes and usually the majority are negative. Also started a journal due to advice by my psychologist to do so and surprisingly the concept of writing thoughts out tends to 'stabilise' my thinking pattern, even control it. If I can somehow apply that internally and use it as a tool to control my chaotic thought process so thoughts can be organised by priority and usefulness, then I would essentially be cured.

As I mentioned weeks ago, I booked an appointment with a psychologist. Already done two sessions thus far and it's already had an impact. Ironically I do need a psychologist that willing to resort to "NT" methods, because I won't learn shit if he caters too much to my Autistic mindset. Even if what is said may be bullshit to me, I've already found out that even the supposed 'bullshit' has value to it as well.

In my case, being an ass isn't the biggest problem, it's the fact I'm too fearful of being an ass when it's required and appear to cower. I have a desire to impress people in such an overzealous way, I find myself doing it to a point where it stresses me out when even the slightest criticism or offence is detected. I fear the concept of failure, errors and humiliation and always have this perfectionist attitude to desperately avert such embarrassments. Also I fear the consequences of simply letting go of these personality flaws because I feel my impulsive behaviour may result in me doing something stupid and dangerous. Also I have trust issues because I always feel that someone will eventually screw me over, no matter how good of a friend they claim to be.

I don't really need sympathy, advice or patronising attitudes for me writing this, because I feel they worsen my problem. The fact I'm more open with myself is enough.

[ZEGH8578]

couple of years before i even knew about aspergers, i came to terms with the fact that i am _clearly_ not like everybody else, and that i dont seem to fit into any category that i knew about at the time (i considered schizoid, sociopath etc)
that self-confrontation allowed me to no longer try to fit in, or "be normal". i stopped feeling sorry for myself, but i begun resenting everyone for not being like me.
not an enormous improvement, but a little.

i think thats a benefit aspies have, the whole logical sense. to look at oneself, and be analytical, and take a stand about ones own behaviour/outlook on life.
i know many people who are completely completely unable to see themselves, and therefore will most likely never improve their behaviour at all.

["couldbecousin"]

couple of years before i even knew about aspergers, i came to terms with the fact that i am _clearly_ not like everybody else, and that i dont seem to fit into any category that i knew about at the time (i considered schizoid, sociopath etc)
that self-confrontation allowed me to no longer try to fit in, or "be normal". i stopped feeling sorry for myself, but i begun resenting everyone for not being like me.
not an enormous improvement, but a little.

i think thats a benefit aspies have, the whole logical sense. to look at oneself, and be analytical, and take a stand about ones own behaviour/outlook on life.
i know many people who are completely completely unable to see themselves, and therefore will most likely never improve their behaviour at all.

I've met a few like that myself. Either they are truly incapable of introspection, or they are too stubborn to acknowledge their faults.
Whichever it is, their bad behavior goes on, year after year, along with their blaming of everyone but themselves. 

[ZEGH8578]

couple of years before i even knew about aspergers, i came to terms with the fact that i am _clearly_ not like everybody else, and that i dont seem to fit into any category that i knew about at the time (i considered schizoid, sociopath etc)
that self-confrontation allowed me to no longer try to fit in, or "be normal". i stopped feeling sorry for myself, but i begun resenting everyone for not being like me.
not an enormous improvement, but a little.

i think thats a benefit aspies have, the whole logical sense. to look at oneself, and be analytical, and take a stand about ones own behaviour/outlook on life.
i know many people who are completely completely unable to see themselves, and therefore will most likely never improve their behaviour at all.

I've met a few like that myself. Either they are truly incapable of introspection, or they are too stubborn to acknowledge their faults.
Whichever it is, their bad behavior goes on, year after year, along with their blaming of everyone but themselves. 

my mother is an example. we havent talked for a year now, and ive tried, and my brother has tried, but in her own mind, _nothing_ is her fault. when we TRY to contact her, even humbly, even apologetically, she still insists on making us feel bad about something we dont even know what is anymore :S

my brother _does_ have the insight, but fails to react upon it, which i suspect must be very difficult for him, KNOWING that he makes the same mistakes over and over, feeling terrible about it. my mother, in comparison, seem guiltless, blaming everyone else.

my dad is like me, for example, when he heard about my aspergers, he changed his attitude towards me - not in an embarassing way, but in a subtle BUT consistent way. he adapted himself.
my mother - - - refused to talk to me

[Leto729]

Schleed it always a good time to make changes in Your Life. It will take awhile to make changes take small steps that is the best way to approach it. Then the changes you see will come faster. Don't worry about the past for it is the past. If You can repair old broken friendship then do so make amends if You can but do not push it on them. I been very introspective in My Life as well. Hope for the best for You and the changes You will see now and in the future. Don't worry if You go back here and there to Your old ways for change always take time.