Gopher-there was no 'fault' in existence. It isn't technically true that I was helpless to stop her. I COULD have done so. If I'd have seen her coming (she didn't hang about, just shot over to me like a bullet from a gun, and there being someone in the way, paused briefly to drop him to the floor because he'd stopped to try to talk to her, and she was set on coming for me, firmly implanting her steel toe-capped boots in his groin and leaving the poor sod (don't know him, looked about 25-30 or so give or take) groaning and gasping for air on the ground, writhing in pain and clutching at his freshly lady C-ed ball bag.
Funny as shit. But next thing I know, it was 'WHACK!' and my skull was rebounding off a tree.
Girl doesn't fuck about. Really, she isn't one to do things by half measures one tiny bit.
But no, she didn't rape me, I COULD have stopped her approach, but only if I had decided to unleash actual bodily harm magnitude physical violence against a young girl, I didn't know how old she was, she looked rather young actually, for 14.
She just slammed me into a tree and started shoving her tongue down my throat. But she didn't rape me, and she didn't do anything against my will either. If I had decided to, sure I could have pressed charges and won. But instead, we had locked eyes on each other as she raced towards me like a cheetah on steroids, and there felt like there was something passing between us, in an instant, it was just....I can't explain it. really young looking for 14, 14yo girls that don't even look that, aren't my 'type', but this particular 14yo classic autie girl, she has some sort of 'field' about her, like a fucking superconducting cyclotron magnet, and me a little samarium-cobalt high field permanent magnet pellet.
Effect was instantaneous and impossible to stand against. She just had me from the picosecond I saw her. We were engaged, within perhaps a week, just after the second time we met, maybe the third, the 3rd being the second time seeing her after she did her whole battle-tank-sexkitten-steamroller part on me.
I could have stopped her. Technically. But only by acting in the worst sort of manner, that a man should never display towards a woman, unless in self defense against a thug. And Lady C is not a thug. She certainly does not fuck about when she decides something like 'I'm going big game hunting today and I'ma bag me a Lestat Rett and make him my trophy'
Only by literally turning on her before she got to me, and assaulting her physically, smashing her with the butt of my gun, headbutting her or something, and that I just could not and would not do. One look, and I was in love, before anything else, just saw her eyes and bang. I knew that we were two halves of one soul.
And while I could have easily pressed charges, why would I do that? you don't bring a court case against the love of your life, someone you've never felt the like about before or since, someone who even now, I am determined to track down, and do my utmost to get it on again between each other. Because, as I said, I just knew something was different about the girl, I don't mean her being spesh, I mean, eerie, spooky different, uncanny different. Two halves of one soul, I knew it then and I know and feel it now.
She is the one who I should spend my last breath beside. There exists another, who if she were to assent and to know, that I could marry, love. But otherwise, Lady C had an effect on me, that I became so utterly devoted to her, that even now, I essentially, belong to her in spirit and heart. And I don't get into relationships purely for the body. It either is worth everything, or nothing in my book. And she HAS my everything. I can't date again, bar perhaps one other, a certain Lady K, if she knew and went for it.
Otherwise, I'm stuck in a no man's land, where no other may walk, for the only one who could walk with me is far from my side. It is a dark, and lonely place, without my fire to warm the way and keep the shivers at bay, and without the light to show the path to walk. So there is none, nowhere to go, and nobody to go with. It is a dark, dark place indeed. Over a decade later, it is no less agonizing a place to be. Rape me....rape me indeed. Lol. She is welcome to do so any time she pleases. I am her property, and belong to her utterly, I will until the day I die.
But, let me make myself perfectly clear. I will only say this the once. Do not EVER speak ill of her like that again. Just don't do it. I bear you no ill will, and nor do I wish to have such forced upon me. She is not a rapist, and please, take back such vile accusations against her character. That has already come up in this thread. Accusations like that carry weight. And against the innocent they still stick and do damage. I won't have her reputation accursed like that. She did nothing wrong, she just came on somewhat strong, is all. Rapists are evil incarnate, and there isn't an evil, or wrong bone in her beautiful (even if probably fairly recently at that, 14) body. Grass on the field? no, not physically, but play? absofuckinglutely. And I wouldn't come pelting down a busy high street towards somebody who had raped me, with each of us screaming the name of the other, to crash into each other and embrace in a death-grip of relief at being back at one another's side. Nor would I gently take the arm of a rapist, and allow her to lead me to her home and introduce me to her mother (now that was a bit of a heart in mouth moment, not knowing if her mom was going to find out I'd asked the girl to marry me, she'd said 'yes' and that I'd already got a ring, that she was bringing her fiancee home, nearly 20, her just about 14, probably.
Can't even explain myself, or why I felt what I felt and feel. Not when it was a 14 year old special ed girl I fell for. But fall for her, never mind her rather violent and certainly about as forward as I've ever had anybody be, or heard of, bar a rape, but it was just one of those things, those rare, special, wonderful things that IMO any good person deserves to feel, if even for a moment once in a lifetime, but few, very few, ever will. Society's mores went right out the window, and I found myself wrapped around said young lady, as contented as a kitten in her arms, purring by a warm fire.
All it took is one touch, and she could exert this weird ass physical control over me, she could turn my mood from raging fire, to as calm and content as a newborn kitten, my eyes drooping, resting in her arms, to passionate, to putting me to sleep, just a touch, and it was weird, whatever she wanted, it'd happen. Couldn't help myself, she could just as easily have sent me to a restful sleep, as if she had wanted to, kindle a nuclear holocaust of fury; if Lady C had wanted bad things done, then I would have become a very, very bad person. Its thanks to her that I'm not. Because that isn't who she wished me to be. Although of course if ever I had had to defend her, I would have had no limits as to what I would have done, up to and including giving my own life, or taking those of many others without hesitation.
Truly, a special woman. So don't ever call her a fucking rapist.
These tracks from Swallow the Sun sum it up perfectly, this cold, dark place without her.
Cathedral Walls:
These Lowlands: