I feel horrible.
About half an hour ago I got on the jon to take my afternoon shit, and I could feel a nice one coming. Well, I pushed, and my asshole got big, and it sloooowly came out, and then it just stopped. I sat there with my asshole gaping wide waiting for it to slide out, but it never happened. I tried a few different toilet seat postures to coax it out. A couple more pushes, and it started to hurt.
I stopped. Waited some more. More hurting. At this point it was starting to scare me, so I grabbed a piece of toilet paper and decided that maybe if I pried it would give it what it needed to come out. Well, THERE WAS NO TURD COMING OUT OF MY ASS!
My asshole was gaping wide and it felt like there was a turkey drumstick in there coming out fat end first! I sucked the turd in and tried again. More pain. Again. Still nothing. My legs are shaking at this point.
At this point i start thinking, what the fuck did I eat? Was it that delicious Carl's Jr Prime Rib burger? I HAVE changed my diet to leaner meats and cheeses the past week, turkey, fish, lowfat cottage cheese...but yesterday I ALSO had a plate full of broccoli and a bean burrito, so what the fuck!
I could take some of that exlax I used to put in my asshole roommate's food. Nope, gave it to a guy so he could prank his friend...Eat a bunch of fiber? Would take too long. So I decide to give myself and enema.
I wiped my ass, nothing, all clean, and jumped in the shower. Turned the water to full blast and hot as hell and grabbed the shower head and pointed it toward my ass. I didn't know what I was doing. Got back on the jon, nothing.
Desperate measure. At this point I have a pain and weight in my gut that I just HAVE to get rid of. I run to the kitchen to look for a turkey baster, super soaker, ANYTHING. Find an empty bottle of Nestea. Opening is too big. Find a bottle of water in the fridge, opening small enough to shove up my ass. I fill it with dish soap and a quarter of the way full of hot water.
Run back to the bathroom. This is about to get graphic.
I get in the tub and assume a tubgirl position. I push, and basically try to shit in my shower(yes I get it). Nothing comes out, again, but when I feel my asshole is wide enough, I shove the water bottle end in there. It doesn't go in very far. I can't feel the liquid draining in. So I squeeze.
Instantly I feel warm juices flow down my asscrack and back. Fuck. I shove it in even further. Squeeze. Hard. There we go.
I've never really felt this feeling before, but it was if my rectum was gurgling the soapy water. Not much went in actually. Tried again and it just squirted all over the tub. I stand up and see a stream of brown murky water going towards the drain. Dripping down my leg.
I pull the shower nozzle off again and try my best to direct the flow off my legs and to the drain as fast as I can. At this point, I'm feeling my gut trying to get rid of water fluid I put in my rectum. I dance over to the toilet, no time to dry, and sit down.
Instant explosion. But not the main turd!!! I push, it starts coming. I push, it stops. I grab the sink in front of me, and I push HARD. It comes! Like a bunch of bundles hot wheel cars out my ass it finally comes. I turn to look this beast in the face but the water is so murky from the soapy shit liquid that I didn't even get the chance to sneer.
It took a lot of wiping this time to get a clean ass. I bleached the tub with Comet, took a quick shower and now I'm posting here. My ass still feels like Ramon just had his way with it.
I'm going to eat an apple now.
Cliffs: I just gave myself an enema.
