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Author Topic: Prayers G-d never answers  (Read 382 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Prayers G-d never answers
« on: August 12, 2013, 09:40:41 AM »
Let's keep this light-hearted.  Have some fun.  This came from a blog I sometimes read.

There are some prayers G-d NEVER answers.  5 actually.

1. Prayers to beat Candy Crush levels
I hate exaggerating, but I almost lost my faith on level 65. I don’t know who owns the Candy Crush app, but satan was definitely one of the developers. Regardless, G-d will not answer your prayer about beating a specific level.

2. Prayers that Chipotle will stop charging for chips.
I used to avoid Chipotle for this very reason. Charging for chips goes against the very fabric of Mexican restaurants. But, years later, and I’m a fan. So is G-d. He will not fix this for you.

3. Prayers for a part 2 of Newsies.
Wish this would happen. It won’t. Stop praying it. You’re clogging up the prayer waves for the rest of us.

4. Prayers that the person you cut off on the way to church doesn’t attend your church too.
They do. And they are going to park right next to you. It’s going to be awkward. How awkward? Bathsheba being named Bathsheba while she is taking a bath? (What if she had been showering or jacuzzing? Jacuzzisheba?)

5. Prayers that the queso won’t run out.
It will. Into every bowl, a bottom must fall. I hate it. I really do, but all the prayers in the world about heavenly melted cheese will not save us. Quit it.

I’ve prayed all of these before, and they don’t work.
Save your breath.
What prayer do you think G-d never answers?

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Adam

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2013, 11:32:10 AM »
All of them. Because he doesn't exist.

TheoK

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2013, 11:44:06 AM »
All of them. Because he doesn't exist.

 :agreed:

Offline Icequeen

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2013, 12:59:26 PM »
My school never did burn to the ground.

The girl I detested in 3rd grade never moved to China or grew a third arm.

I never won the lottery.




Offline Lestat

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2013, 01:55:02 PM »
The dirty paedophiley old scottish wanker alan sumner, the former headmaster and faggot bitch in chief never did get kidnapped, flayed alive and kicked into a trough full of diseased pus and left to die of necrotizing fasciitis, or lowered slowly into an acid bath.

Thanks, god. thanks a bunch.

(this guy was a total prick, I've seen him, as had more of my schoolmates at the time, putting his arm round little kids, and grabbing their arses. tried putting his arm round my shoulder once, until I told him if he didn't fucking remove it immediately, he would not be getting it back.
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline Eclair

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2013, 04:08:20 AM »
Quote from: Queen Victoria link=topic=21381.msg985556#msg9There are some prayers G-d NEVER answers.  5 actually.

1. [b
Prayers to beat Candy Crush levels[/b]. 

Agree, this prayer also applies to Pocket Frogs of which I do not play any more, because it was staring to make me lose the will to live.

Quote from: Queen Victoria link=topic=21381.msg985556#msg9There are some prayers G-d NEVER answers. 

4. [b
Prayers that the person you cut off on the way to church doesn’t attend your church too[/b].


I read this as;
'Pray that the person who cut you off on the way to church doesn't make it to church' (presumably because they had a car accident)

I like my version better.

Additional prayers that do not work;

1. That you will not be the person to have to change the toilet roll when its your turn to use the bathroom.

2. Those the heels that feel really comfortable in the store will be just as comfortable at work next week. They won't be. Plus you won't be able to park as closely to work that day, so you have to walk 3 blocks. Basically, you will be wanting to hack your feet off by the time you arrive at work. Meanwhile....God is laughing.

3. Those the heels that feel really comfortable in the store will be just as comfortable at work next week....and worth every cent of the highly inflated price you paid (Fuck You Hugo Boss). They are not worth that price, and the most comfortable heels you have that season came from Target and everyone compliments you on them.



Offline "couldbecousin"

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2017, 07:07:23 AM »
  God will not change your hazel eyes blue overnight while you sleep, no matter how nicely you ask.  :-[
"I'm finding a lot of things funny lately, but I don't think they are."
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Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2017, 08:37:58 AM »
I'm still waiting on my lottery winnings.  >:(
:gopher:

Offline Icequeen

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2017, 11:39:01 AM »
The girl I detested in 3rd grade has grow into a prissy bitch that had to add me on Facebook only to post pictures of her fabuuulouus house, her Florida vacations and her two son's who are on the honor roll.

She hasn't been eaten by a shark yet, I'm still praying. >:D

Offline Lestat

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2017, 01:26:12 PM »
Sometimes prayers happen. Sometimes the prayed for thing happens by co-incidence (I.e it happens) and sometimes, just sometimes, one IS the prayer taking force. Maybe you need to break the buggers legs, cover her in blood from the butchers soaked into her clothing and kick her off a boat in the middle of the ocean. Or a reef infested with tiger sharks. Those buggers will eat anything, living,  dead, or that which has never had life. They've been found with tinned food, still in the tin can in their insides. They are sometimes referred to as 'the dustbins of the sea'. Big enough said preppy prissy little slagchops won't stand a chance, and one of the most aggressive of all the carnivorous sharks. Mean, bad tempered vicious bastards and well known to attack people.



1-lab workups being simple and easy 9 times out of 10, or 7-8 if 'im upstairs isn't feeling so generous. Easy selective monoacylation or mono-alkylation of a certain secondary diamine would be really nice too while he's at it.

2-waking up to find a certain somebody well known to the OP, distinctive for having really gorgeous big brown eyes in particular who looks kinda DFG-ish in some ways is there wherever the waking up is done.

3- never again breaking a piece of glass you haven't got a replacement for, or a clamp in somewhere critical, or a bit of metal unseen to one side under the hotplate, preventing the mag stirrer from moving, and after spotting it, the stirrer suddenly 'kicking' full force and punching a pair of holes through your only unoccupied 100ml 2-necked RBF (round bottom flask) whilst its full of carcinogenic, toxic, probably mutagenic, corrosive, acid-releasing moisture-sensitive alkenyl halide resulting in the same being fired like a jet from a watercannon across the bloody room while one dives out of the way to avoid the twin gouts of same plus the substrate that took getting closer to two weeks than one to isolate a couple of grams of, and losing all but a few hundred milligrams or so, whilst you attempt to soak up as much as possible into tissue paper for later attempting to recover same. All the while trying to get the hell to the power socket and pull the plug without getting covered in acid chloride and alkenyl halide. Neither of which are pleasant and avoid a dousing in icy-cold rapidly evaporating pentane and poisonous hexane while your swearing in every language you know bar ASL at the top of your lungs through your gas mask. All because as far as you can tell, some styx-accursed whoreson porcine imbecile stole your stirbars.

4-thoroughly logical doctors who operate by evidence based medicine and practical results rather than allow themselves to be guided by emotional opinions. Who do what it is the facts support regardless of what they themselves think of this, that or the other remedy or approach to a problem.

5-a tricorder for the lab. A replicator would be damn tempting but that would be...well strictly limited in use at best because otherwise that would take the challenge factor right out of one's synthetic work. And if prayer no.5 is granted then I get an extra one answered because any broken glass could be replaced in a matter of seconds.

So...6-enough money for a comfortable life, and in particular, a LC-MS setup along with an IR spectrophotometer. Hell any kind of mass spec, either GC or LC. ICP even would be better than none, I'd probably sell the latter and buy an LC-MS (MS stands in this case not for the nasty disease, but for mass spectrometer, a highly sensitive and accurate kind of analytical equipment used by chemists for identifying compounds unknown and proportions of compounds in mixtures. They use various methods for breaking down the compounds into ions and the retention in a chromatographic system beforehand plus the mass and charge info on the resultant ions is used to identify the chemical/s)

Way more than I can afford. And very complex, although its not impossible I might be able to build an ion-trap type mass spec or a sector-MS based spectrophotometer without the chromatographic factor and use it for comparisons with known samples, something like the calutron technology used for isotope separation in the beginnings of the russki nuclear program before the technology of gas centrifuges was developed, or more advanced methods  still like the use of tunable dye lasers to selectively ionize and separate one over another isotope of an element.  Calutrons are old-school nuclear technology really, but I could see them being used with a reference library, or for comparatively  getting an idea of differing substituents on a known target molecule, when following a reaction to see what actually WENT on, as opposed to what SHOULD have GONE on, what could have been going on as side reactions for determining relative yield. Etc. LC-MS is liquid chromatography-mass spectrometry, GC-gas chromatography, where the substrate is analysed in the gas phase, and ICP-induction coupled plasma mass spec, IIRC primarily used for isotopic analyses and metallic element-based analyses. Not really an organic and biotech-hacker's tool of the trade but still bloody expensive and I'd offload it as soon as a buyer with deep enough pockets to fund a LC or GC-MS for me was found. If there was change, then an IR-spectrophotometer, which if I save I may actually be able to pick up on ebay secondhand if I get lucky and wait long enough or even build myself)





Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline "couldbecousin"

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Re: Prayers G-d never answers
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2017, 09:15:30 PM »
The girl I detested in 3rd grade has grow into a prissy bitch that had to add me on Facebook only to post pictures of her fabuuulouus house, her Florida vacations and her two son's who are on the honor roll.

She hasn't been eaten by a shark yet, I'm still praying. >:D

  We do have a smiley for that!   :shark:  :angel:
"I'm finding a lot of things funny lately, but I don't think they are."
--- Ripley, Alien Resurrection


"We are grateful for the time we have been given."
--- Edward Walker, The Village

People forget.
--- The Who, "Eminence Front"