"What I SHOULD have said was..."

[El]

Dunno if this game will catch on, but here goes:

You know those social situations where somone says something really insensitive or stupid (or both) and you have to bite your tongue to keep from verbally flattening them?  Ever obsess about wanting to go back in time and tell them off?  This is a nice little place to vent about what your zingers would have been if you'd thought of them at the time, and/or had been able to say them and not have reprecuussions.

I'll start:

Male friend to me:  "I'm a loner.  Sometimes, you know, it's like I'm a cowboy, you know?  And my car is like my steel horse."
What I actually said:  "Kinda like that song?"
What I SHOULD have said:  "No.  You're a MOMMA'S boy, not a cowboy.  You can't be both."

[Nomaken]

I am pathetically devoid of wit even in retrospect.

[El]

Another:

A friend whose life is a mess said to me, quite earnestly:

Her:  "You should ahve done an internship!"  ((All smiles))
Me:  "I really didn't need that stress in my life."

What I wanted to say:  "And you should be working on your fucking schoolwork instead of bloggin on LJ all the time that you're scared of being so far behind and don't like it when your professor says your're obviously procrastinating."

What I REALLY wanted to say:  "And you shouldn't be cheating on your boyfriend since, accroding to you, without him you'd be homeless."

[Draggon]

* Dragoon walks past attractive woman standing outside of her shop

Her: Hi
Me: Hi

what I should have said was: Say I see you have a lot of piercings, mind if I ask you something?  When you get a piercing on your eyebrow or whatever do you have to leave it in all the time to keep the skin from growing back or can you take it out every so often?

[Silk]

My marching band got screwed on a trip to New York. We were forced to go to crappy places like the MSNBC center. Most have us have been to the CNN center. The blue screen is only amazing when you're 11. After walking around Central Park for two hours, everyone was pretty fed up. Since no one else had the guts to say anything, I walked up to our tour guide to take matters into my own hands. i saw that he was speaking with chaperones, so I waited until they were done speaking.

Me: "Excuse me sir?"

That Fucker: "Can't you see adults are speaking? You're being rude."

Screw what I should have said. What I should have done was knee that little bastard in the groin. I waited for about four minutes before I spoke so I was sure the conversation had ended. Hell they weren't even looking at each other anymore.

After he finally realizes the conversation is over(two more minutes of silence have passed) he walks towards me and I guess I wasn't hiding my expression too well because he caugt on that I was pretty pissed off. The second hint would be me glaring at him while gnawing on a huge sweet tart.

That Fucker: "What is it you wanted to ask me?"

Me: "Well, everyone would like to walk around New York and not just see the same stuff we have in Georgia. There all kinds of shops and restaurants we've been driving by, and we would like to check them out."

That Fucker: "Well I think you guys need to sort out your priorities."

Me: "allrighty then"

What I should have said:  "Don't you fucking tell me to sort out my priorities you fucker. This clarinet, trip, and these clothes were paid for by my job. The job I go to after school, and after I spend three hours on blacktop under the Georgia sun for band practice that I have never missed. Any free time I have is spent coming to school early so I can study for chemistry since my teacher is a condescending cunt who doesn't know how to explain diddly squat. If I didn't have my priorities sorted out my left eye would stop twitching."

[McGiver]

Callaway wrote: 
I can imagine that any woman who had sex with Ascan would want to keep it a secret forever.

what she should have said:

I can imagine that any woman who had sex with Ascan would want to keep it a secret forever,
as well as take a bath in scalding hot water with lye soap and scrub off her skin with a scrub brush.