This list is easier to appreciate if you are an anime fan.
If I Ever Become a Magical Girl:
1. I will find out if there is a less revealing
transformation sequence.
2. In the same vein, I will discover if there are other
clothing options besides a mini-skirt, as those tend to be
drafty.
3. I will invest in a good pair of sneakers, so as to
reduce the possibility of a twisted ankle due to my
boots/high heels/sandals.
4. If I see anything even remotely resembling tentacles on
the monster I'm fighting, I will immediately remove myself
from its striking range, and resort to large firearms.
5. If I have any attack sequence of more than two words and
single gesture, I will work to shorten that. If I cannot, I
will begin using alternate methods of attacking, such as
really big guns.
6. If the villain has a sudden change of heart, I will
immediately take him to an anonymous hotel room and watch
over him. Either he's faking it and will attempt to betray
me, at which point I will kill him; or he's serious, at
which point his former colleagues will attempt to kill him.
In either case, I will be certain to pump him for
information.
7. If my magical sidekick has a nasty habit of forgetting
important information until it's too late to act upon, I
will insist upon some kind of memory classes.
8. If I have a protector who swoops in, interrupts my fight
with the monster just for a motivational speech, and then
leaves me without helping in any other way, I will dump him
and look for a protector that will fight at my side.
9. No matter how ridiculous the villain may seem, I will
give him/her/it my full respect until proven otherwise.
10. Attacking from behind is NOT the act of a coward. It's
the act of a magical girl who wishes to minimize fights.
11. If an ally speaks only in riddles, I will give him/her
the chance to speak clearly. If he or she refuses, I will
find new allies.
12. If an ally claims to know the future, I will tell him
or her to quick speaking nonsense, and quote Yoda if I have
to.
13. If I discover other magical girls, I will force them to
learn such strategies as ambushes, flanking maneuvers, rear
guards, and catching opponents in a crossfire.
14. If my enemy consistently uses the same tactics over and
over, I will use that predictability to plan an attack to
kill that enemy.
15. If I discover that I am reborn from a previous time, I
will not be surprised by what my past self was like.
16. If an enemy stops to gloat, I will take that as the
opportunity it is and kill him/her/it.
17. If my enemies consistently use minions that shout out
random attack phrase right before striking, I will learn to
dodge at those shouts.
18. I will NOT make any speeches about "love," "justice,"
or any other foolishness until AFTER I've defeated my enemy.
19. If my enemy is revealed to be a human, highly-placed or
otherwise, I will remember that he or she is undoubtedly
attempting to destroy or take over the planet and that
professional assassins exist for a reason.
20. I will deliberately walk into walls, gorge myself while
eating, and make a general fool of myself, so as to surprise
my enemies when I show competence in battle.
21. If possible, I will create attacks that require no
words, so as to surprise my enemy when I kill him/her/it
with it.
22. If my magical animal sidekick has any
weapons/powerups/useful magical devices, I will insist upon
getting them immediately, and not wait until my enemies are
stronger than me.
23. I will NOT save my most powerful attack until after the
monster is weakened by my friends. Instead, I will use it at
the beginning of the fight, in the hopes of making the fight
a short one.
24. If I come to possess an artifact of great power that
can aid me in defeating evil, I will use it as often as
possible, without raising a serious threat to myself.
25. I will learn how to properly use said artifacts before
anything else.
26. I will NEVER trust a villain's word. There's a reason
why he/she is the villain, after all.
27. If my enemy asks if I could find it in my heart to let
him or her go, I will say, "Yes," then turn and walk away.
When my enemy attempts to shoot me in the back, my allies
will kill him.
28. I will not announce my attacks. If I must, I will use
attack phrases that are totally unlike the attack.
"Beautiful Love Heart Attack," for example, will produce
some kind of magical napalm.
29. In the event that I have a choice between my teammates
and completing the mission, I will both remember that if I
do not complete the mission, my friends will undoubtedly die
anyways, and that they knew the risks when they signed up.
30. I will ensure my magical uniform has protective
properties. If it is unable to favorably compare to a
bulletproof vest, I will get rid of it and find a new
magical uniform.
31. Just because someone *can* destroy the world, doesn't
mean that they *will.* I will keep this in mind when my
allies have frightening powers.
32. If several members of my group have weapons/special
accessories, I will discover if the rest of my group should
have something as well.
33. I will not try to defy prophecy, as that never works.
Rather, I will find a way to manipulate said prophecy to my
favor.
34. I will remember that cheating is defined by the winners
and will use every under-handed, dirty, or otherwise cheap
trick in the book in order to ensure winning the fight.
35. If the villain takes a hostage, I will mourn for said
hostage, then act to avenge their deaths. Any promises the
villain makes in regard to the hostage will be regarded as
the lies they most likely are.
36. If performing an attack leaves me immobilized or unable
to defend myself, I will make sure my teammates know about
this, and are able to give me cover while I initiate it.
37. If my One, True Love is captured by the other side and
brainwashed to fight against me, I will not hold back
against him, as I know he would not want me to be hurt
because of him.
38. If I have a magical device capable of driving the evil
out of people, I will use it on the evil minions. At worst,
it will do nothing, and I will have to kill them. At best,
it will work on them, and they will turn to my side.
39. If said device can also remove a person's humanity,
making them happy zombies, I will try to find a way to
remove that feature.
40. I will remember that while magically charged attacks
are good, magically charged ammunition (especially fired
from automatic weapons) is better in many, many cases.
40. I will make all of my allies take at least rudimentary
first aid.
41. If a friend starts to date or care about a villain, I
will present logical, comprehensive data as to the villain's
true nature. Videotapes, pictures, pie charts, and other
easily understood factors will be included.
42. Just because an enemy appears to be defeated does not
mean he/she is. I will remain on my guard until I'm
absolutely sure they can't squeeze out one final attack.
43. If my most powerful ability might destroy the world
when used, I will research less risky methods of mass
destruction.
44. I will create an attack that is silent, invisible, or
in some other manner hard to detect until it strikes the
target.
45. I will NOT seal away an evil opponent, leaving it free
to escape and make trouble for my children. Instead, I kill
it.
46. If I am unable to kill the opponent, merely seal them,
then I will seal them, and then kill them while they're
helpless.
47. If a villain begs for mercy, I will remember how much
mercy they have shown themselves to be capable of, and show
them the same amount.
48. I will never assume an enemy has just one minion.
Instead, I will assume there are many minions and plan
accordingly.
49. No matter how ridiculous our opponents look, I will
assume they are incredibly dangerous and act accordingly.
50. I will NEVER rely on any device to transform into my
magical persona.
51. If I must rely on a device, I will never reveal it.
Instead, I will hide it somewhere about my body and use a
large, flashy object to provide my enemies with something to
try and steal.
52. If I invade the villain's base, on my way out I will
steal anything that looks even remotely magical and not
nailed down. If I cannot steal it, I will use my magical
powers to destroy it.
53. The near-magical powers of plastic explosives will not
be overlooked.
54. If my enemy starts a long, drawn-out attack sequence, I
will kill him/her while he/she is still preparing it, not
wait until AFTER it is cast.
55. If my daughter from the future appears suddenly, I will
investigate her claims. DNA testing, a quiz about the
immediate future, and personal questions about me that my
daughter should know will all be included.
56. If my daughter from the future is proven to be my
daughter, and is INDESCRIBABLY annoying, I will investigate
possible methods of birth control immediately.
57. I will remember that I am a Magical GIRL, and that
kicking the male villain in the groin repeatedly is a
perfectly valid way to fight.
58. If my most powerful attack takes a large amount of time
to cast or strike, I will fix those faults. If I cannot fix
it, I will develop a different attack.
59. Whenever I hear a prophecy, I will try to figure out
all the possible alternate interpretations rather than just
going with the obvious one.
60. I will NEVER de-transform unless I am certain it is
safe.
61. I will not forgo my weaker, faster attacks in favor of
my slower, more powerful attacks.
62. If I must seal an opponent, I will ensure that they are
sealed in a location that is as difficult to reach as
possible, ensuring that they will not be released by
accident/too early.
63. If I must seal away an opponent, I will make sure ALL
my children know about it. Not just the ones that I think
will have to deal with it.
64. Not all of my allies have to be magical girls. There is
something to be said for allies carrying assault weapons.
65. If I get a magical advisor who constantly advises me to
be more like my last life and doesn't give useful advice for
the fighting in this one, I will stop listening to her and
try to get another advisor. Preferably one who used to be a
warrior.
66. Since I know that a well-developed intellect is my
greatest weapon, I will study all material given to me by my
teachers thoroughly. I will also intensely study materials
not assigned to me in school.
67. Even though I have studied intensively, I will score
badly on ALL tests. By doing so, other people will assume I
am a bubble-headed moron. And you know what they say about
assumptions.
68. Any new students or other people my age that I meet
will be closely observed. They are likely to be Masked
Protectors (particularly if we constantly argue), other
Magical Girls, or Villains in Disguise.
69. I will be PRO-active, not RE-active.
70. If one or a few of my presumed allies spends the whole
series acting pretty much like the villains, I will remember
that when they attempt to beg for forgiveness. After all,
how trustworthy were they before?
71. I will use my powers and influence to acquire wealth,
status and political power. I will then use that to crush
any organized villains when they show up, thus sparing myself,
my alllies and innocent bystanders the hazards of combat.
72. I will tell a few friends or family my secret identity
so that they can make excuses for me when fighting requires
me to miss school or work.
73. I will wear a mask.
74. I will fight in different uniforms. Hopefully, my
enemies will think there are several different heroes out
there. If necessary, I will cross-dress.
75. I will hit on the villain. It will confuse him/her, and
might even get him/her to change sides. If the villain is
the same sex as me, it will probably creep them out. If not,
then the original plan still applies.
76. I will start an aggressive merchandising campaign. I
will use the majority of the funds thus earned to help hunt
down the villain. A very large bounty on his/her skull
should help a bit.
77. I will earmark a significant portion of those funds to
be placed in a safe place. I'll need something to live on
after the villain is dead, after all.
78. If one of my allies has a computer that is light-years
beyond current tech, I will use and abuse that computer.
Hacking into the Pentagon to classify our enemy as a serious
national threat is a perfectly valid tactic, after all.
79. Said computer will also help us live a little more
independently. After all, taking money away from criminals
is justice. And college is expensive.
80: If I am destined to rule the world, I will still make
sure to finish my education and build up a large nest-egg.
Destiny never says *how* something is supposed to happen,
after all.
81: I will not limit myself to one form of attack. For
instance, if my powers are primarily magical, I will
research technological alternatives. Or if my powers are
primarily ranged attacks, I will seek melee and hand to hand
training.
82. I will do the unexpected.
83. If the unexpected doesn't work, I'll attempt the
impossible
84. I will not pay attention to odds.
85. When in doubt, kill it.
Taken from
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dkb1/anime.txt
