make someone laugh

[TheoK]

Russia is nooo threat.

[Natalia Evans]

If Santa answered his mail honestly.


http://www.unfabulouz.com/2008/12/if-santa-answered-his-mail-honestly.html

[renaeden]

[Natalia Evans]

A very short Home Alone parody.

[Trigger 11]

This is from memory, so not an exact quote:

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal! Fucking is legal! So why the hell isn't selling fucking legal? Why do you go to jail for selling something that is perfectly legal to give away? Of all the things you could do to somebody, giving 'em an orgasm isn't the worst. In the Army, they give you a medal for dropping Nepalm on somebody. You go to jail in this country for giving someone an orgasm. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it." -George Carlin

[RageBeoulve]

A different kind of periodic table:

This must have been taken directly out of my brain.

[Natalia Evans]

Cars can have incontinence.


http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?showtopic=14179&st=0&gopid=169049&#entry169049



My car is also incontinent when I pour in the window washer fluid. 

[enronh]

>       Subject: Qantas gripes
>
>       After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
>       called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
>       problems with the aircraft.
>
>       The mechanics correct the problems, document their
>       repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
>       sheets before the next flight.
>
>       Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
>       humour.
>
>       Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
>       by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
>       recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>
>       By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
>       never had an Accident.
>
>       P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>       S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>       P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>       S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>       P: Something loose in cockpit.
>       S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>       P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>       S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>       P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
>       per minute descent.
>       S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>       P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>       S: Evidence removed.
>
>       P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>       S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>       P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>       S: That's what they're for.
>
>       P: IFF inoperative.
>       S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>       P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>       S: Suspect you're right.
>
>       P: Number 3 engine missing.
>       S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>       P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>       S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
>       serious.
>
>       P: Target radar hums.
>       S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>       P: Mouse in cockpit.
>       S: Cat installed.
>
>       And the best one for last..................
>
>       P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds
>       like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
>       S: Took hammer away from midget.

[enronh]

 

Subject: A cure for snoring

 

Six blokes go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so bloody loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went over tucked Daryl into bed patted his arse and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night

[Peter]

In 1974 the Consumer Product Safety Commission had to recall 80,000 of its own lapel buttons promoting "toy safety", because the buttons had sharp edges, used lead paint, and had small clips that could be broken off and subsequently swallowed.

[P7PSP]

Here's a ditty that my older cousin taught me when I was in 4th or 5th grade.

The Ballad of Pissball Pete

There was a girl named Sally Brown
who claimed no man could fuck her down

When over the hill came Pissball Pete
with 50 pounds of hanging meat

He put her down in the grass
and fucked her in the ass

But Sally was smart
and cut a fart
and blew his balls all apart 

And over the hill went Pissball Pete
with 50 pounds of shredded meat

[enronh]

Healthy Eating.


St Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.


A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
 

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
 

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
 

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
 

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
 

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.


That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.   


'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'
 

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'



The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f**king Bran   Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'

[DirtDawg]

I have no idea what this means ...

[enronh]

I have no idea what this means ...

You mean the last joke? The guy is saying to his wife if it was wasnt for healthy eating: Bran Flakes they'd be less healthy and die 10 years sooner to enjoy utopia. If yopu're talking aboput something else please disregard.

[Peter]

He posted a weird picture, but it didn't display on my browser and I had to quote the post to find the link to it.