make someone laugh

[ozymandias]

Once I tried to run,
I tried to run and hide.
But Jesus came and found me,
and He touched me deep inside.
He is like a mountie,
He always gets his man.
And He’ll zap yo..

fuck

"So Captain Marvel zapped him right between the eyes...ZAP!"

Jesus be damned, he is a fraud perpetuated by pedophile Catholic hierarchy and flim flam christian extremists.   

Oh my god the devil is inside you. Either that or he's your puppet master. I will pray for you every day. I pray for you to end your dark-sided ways and be saved.

The devil made me do it!     Seriously, in life there are two things to worry about, either you will stay well or get sick.  If you stay well, you have nothing to worry about. If you get sick, you have two things to worry about.  Either you will get better or die.  If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.  If you die, you will only have two things to worry about.  Either you will go to heaven or go to hell.  If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.  If you go to hell...........................you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry.   

Cheers 

[Tesla]

[renaeden]

^You did that didn't you Tesla. 

[GalileoAce]

Had an MSN conversation to two of my friends from my high school years. They're both into video games, though one isn't all that knowledgeable. GTA came up and they were trying to convince me to buy the game...and that's where our little adventure begins:

Michael
just buy the friggen game

GalileoAce
lol

Michael
when's your birthday? request it for a present

GalileoAce
Been and gone

Tommy
Did we mention you get to shoot pigeons?

Michael
anniversary?

GalileoAce
Don't celebrate

Michael
fine then, Christmas

GalileoAce
I'll be in QLD

Michael
so?

GalileoAce
They banned games

Michael
are you telling me they don't deliver pressies to Qld?

Tommy
WHAT?!

GalileoAce
It's QLD. There's no freight system. Duh

Michael
it really doesn't matter where you are

Tommy
Banned games?

Michael
have someone get it for you for Christmas, and give it to you at (insert appropriate time and place here)

GalileoAce
Oh yeah. QLD is a "dry" state

Tommy
What a travesty

Tommy
You've gotta be kidding me!?

Michael
have you heard of Jack Thompson, Tommy? The American politician who's big on anti-violent games?

Tommy
What a douchebag

Michael
that's a yes, then

GalileoAce
He got disbarred by the Florida Bar Association, and recently moved to QLD. He's now the Minister for Entertainment in the QLD State Government.

Tommy
No, I haven't heard of him actually

GalileoAce
Oh Jack Thompson is/was a lawyer.

GalileoAce
Has something against Rockstar and GTA.

Michael
GTA specifically

Tommy
So ALL games or just the violent ones?

Michael
the game "Bully" too

Michael
mainly violent games, but he's not big on any really

Tommy
How can he just come over to Australia and tell us (or rather Qld) what we can or can't buy?

Tommy
That's not fair!

GalileoAce
I know.

GalileoAce
It sucks.

GalileoAce
He's also the reason the OFLC won't add an R18+ rating.

Michael
well technically, it's not just on his say so that games are banned there

GalileoAce
All other states agree for the R18+ but QLD

Michael
you've got to take certain steps (through state Parliament) before laws are passed

Michael
he just spear-headed it

GalileoAce
:: nods :: Yeah

GalileoAce
Though the Premier agreed

Tommy
I'm in shock. I thought you were just joking about games being banned in Qld

Tommy
My cousin lives there. I might ask her about it too

Tommy
...Douchbag mooley...

Michael
ask her if they still have the word "gullible" in dictionaries published in Queensland after September 11. Another Jack Thompson rant was that the word "gullible" should be banned from dictionaries because it's offensive to Muslims

Michael
September 11 let him really let rip with that one

Tommy
What the?

GalileoAce
Why do you think I moved back to Victoria?

GalileoAce
After I moved to QLD that is

Michael
hang on, you're in WA

GalileoAce
Yeah yeah, that's afterward.

GalileoAce
I moved from Vic to QLD, then from QLD to Vic, and then from Vic to WA

Tommy
Geez

Tommy
Banned the word "Gullible"? Hang on, are you guys just making this up?

GalileoAce
What? Why would we make this shit up?

Tommy
Because that's exactly what it is!

GalileoAce
?

Michael
what's exactly what "it" is?

Michael
now I'm confused

Tommy
SH*T!!!!

GalileoAce
You don't believe us?

Tommy
Well it's very hard to believe

Michael
I'm not saying it's right

Michael
nor that it's not subject to review

GalileoAce
Ask your cousin if you don't believe us.

Tommy
Oh I will

GalileoAce
:: nods ::

Michael
anyway

Michael
I believe we were all off to sleep?

Tommy
Oh yeah.

Tommy
Well, I'm off. Bourquin, good luck with your homework. Cunningham, good luck with your defamation case.

GalileoAce
Except me...Homework

GalileoAce
:lol:

GalileoAce
Night Tommy

Michael
poor Bourquin

Michael
until next time!

Tommy
See ya!!!!

[Phlexor]

Some people really have defective bullshit detectors eh.

[GalileoAce]

Yeah... lol

[enronh]

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.


I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're Managing Director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'


And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?


The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.


And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.


He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I bought some HP sauce the other day.


It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that

you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round'.

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

[duncvis]

fucking genius. tommy cooper was unusual among 70s comedians in that he was actually funny. 

[Tesla]

[Tesla]

For Lord Phlexor.

[Tristeza]

Saw two cute greeting cards today.

One is a young woman saying "I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in."

The other is a nurse telling an old man "Your insurance won't pay for an enema, so I'll just have to slap the shit out of you."

[Natalia Evans]

Warning:


If you are an animal lover, you might not like this video but if you don't take things seriously that aren't real, then this might be for you.

[punkdrew]

 

[punkdrew]

GalileoAce
I'll be in QLD

Michael
so?

GalileoAce
They banned games

Michael
are you telling me they don't deliver pressies to Qld?

Tommy
WHAT?!

GalileoAce
It's QLD. There's no freight system. Duh

Michael
it really doesn't matter where you are

Tommy
Banned games?

Michael
have someone get it for you for Christmas, and give it to you at (insert appropriate time and place here)

GalileoAce
Oh yeah. QLD is a "dry" state

Tommy
What a travesty

Tommy
You've gotta be kidding me!?

Michael
have you heard of Jack Thompson, Tommy? The American politician who's big on anti-violent games?

Tommy
What a douchebag

Michael
that's a yes, then

GalileoAce
He got disbarred by the Florida Bar Association, and recently moved to QLD. He's now the Minister for Entertainment in the QLD State Government.

Tommy
No, I haven't heard of him actually

GalileoAce
Oh Jack Thompson is/was a lawyer.

GalileoAce
Has something against Rockstar and GTA.

Michael
GTA specifically

Tommy
So ALL games or just the violent ones?

Michael
the game "Bully" too

Michael
mainly violent games, but he's not big on any really

Tommy
How can he just come over to Australia and tell us (or rather Qld) what we can or can't buy?

Tommy
That's not fair!

GalileoAce
I know.

GalileoAce
It sucks.

GalileoAce
He's also the reason the OFLC won't add an R18+ rating.

Michael
well technically, it's not just on his say so that games are banned there

GalileoAce
All other states agree for the R18+ but QLD

Michael
you've got to take certain steps (through state Parliament) before laws are passed

Michael
he just spear-headed it

GalileoAce
:: nods :: Yeah

GalileoAce
Though the Premier agreed

Tommy
I'm in shock. I thought you were just joking about games being banned in Qld

Tommy
My cousin lives there. I might ask her about it too

Tommy
...Douchbag mooley...

Michael
ask her if they still have the word "gullible" in dictionaries published in Queensland after September 11. Another Jack Thompson rant was that the word "gullible" should be banned from dictionaries because it's offensive to Muslims

Michael
September 11 let him really let rip with that one

Tommy
What the?

GalileoAce
Why do you think I moved back to Victoria?

GalileoAce
After I moved to QLD that is

Jack Thompson is a super douche. If I'd have known he was going to the other end of the world, I would have personally removed him from the gene pool. He's the Frederic Wertham of the 21st century.
Lower than that, I cannot go.

[Phlexor]

For Lord Phlexor.

Hehe, thanks. That's pretty fucking awesome.  :lol: