You call it OCD...I call it put the d*mn thing back where it belongs.
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Quote from: Hagia Sophia on January 30, 2008, 09:21:54 PM
Ubergeek!
Shocking news just in. A group of eminent palaeontologists who recently ventured west of Gloucestershire for the first time in over a thousand years, have had their findings published in a paper released to the general public today.They discovered a Bronze Age people settled across the region marked on maps as ‘Wales’, a shadowy land long suspected to house dragons and a people rumoured to have cannibalistic tendencies. Although the experts found nothing to support this belief, they were appalled to discover a short, dark people, living in squalid settlements of mean, slate-roofed huts, devoid of any real structure or sophistication.Pictures beamed back from the newly opened-up territory make fascinating viewing. They show children roaming near-naked on slag-heaps, whilst parents and elders sit about smoking, eating leeks and daffodils, and drinking some form of intoxicating liquor. There seems to be no industry or evidence of working from the pictures that we have seen, and it believed that the people of this region spend their time “sitting on their arses doing fuck allâ€, as one member of the research team observed in an interview for BBC News for the Hard of Hearing.Historical experts believe that the lost tribe are probably descended from the Britons who were forcibly evicted from the other parts of mainland Britain at the coming of Hengist, Horsa, and our other Saxon, Angle and Jute forefathers. Dr. Godfrey Rimmer, Senior Lecturer in English Triumphalism at the University of Old London Town says: “These people are an true and veritable throw-back to the Dark Ages. Clearly what has happened is that when King Offa of Mercia built his great Dyke to keep the cattle-rustlers out of the border counties, the majority of the English forgot about their short, dark, querulous neighbours.â€There is further documentation for their existence in the time of the Plantagenets, when King Edward is known to have built large castles in the region to stop everything getting stolen. He broke the back of several uppity civil disturbances, before largely abandoning the province to fend for itself, which, judging to the evidence that has come to light recently, it failed utterly to do. With the passing of the medieval age, we hear little more of these semi-savage peoples, and it seems that they simply retreated, singing, into the mists of history.Compared with their Anglo-Saxon neighbours across Offa’s Dyke, the ‘Welsh’, as these long-forgotten people have been dubbed, have no real signs of civilisation. One paleontologist said, “There are no proper facilities.†He did remark, though, that many of the natives were unfriendly, especially in the north of the province, where they encountered angry natives hooting and jabbering in an outlandish and unfathomable form of speech. This tongue is like no other that the experts have ever heard, rivalling a spittoon for the amount of phlegm required.The scientists also encountered hostility in the south, in the ‘Valleys’ area of the country, where close-eyed, thick-set young males would try to pick ritual fights with them over the very fact that they were ‘outsiders’. Clearly fear of strangers, a palpably neolithic reaction, still pervades the communal psyche here, far from civilisation. These same locals would drive round the ‘town’, in cars presumably looted from across the border in England, beeping the horn of the car, and deliberately driving them into walls, lamp-posts and the rudimentary shops and other buildings which exist in these sunless places. Meanwhile, girls dressed in cheaply-woven man-made fibres would stand in groups, shrieking and cat-calling at their males, before taking them behind buildings for, presumably, sexual congress of some sort.One thing to look for as a mark of Welshness is evidence of juggéd ears. This also counts for sporting figures such as John Hartson and Neil Jenkins, who are both ginger, jug-eared and cyclopian in appearance. The repercussions of this are yet to be felt, but there was widespread concern for the safety of players’ wallets in the changing rooms of sports facilities up and down the country.Most shocking of all, it seems that many public figures who have played a part in English history were actually Welsh. Or so it is claimed. Great figures through politics such as David Lloyd-George and… erm… trying to think of one… yep… there we go… Neil Kinnock are now believed to have roots in this obscure principality. Strangely enough, the Prince of Wales is no Welshman, but is himself descended from Germanic stock. This news brought relief to many who had feared that there could be the prospect of a Welshman on the throne of England, something the Palace were quick to deny.House prices in Hereford and other Marcher counties plummeted as the scare-mongering began. Many were unhappy with the Government, feeling it to be a cover-up. “They’ll have known about this lot all along, you mark my words. It’s a bloody disgraceâ€, said one angry farmer in Shropshire. Women fear for their children, whilst grim-faced farmers prepared to spend thousands improving fencing around their property. “History shows that these Welsh are worse than foxes. It’ll be my chickens next, you’ll seeâ€, said one farmer’s wife.Previously obscure legislation has been unearthed the length and breadth of the Marches, as people panic about the consequences of their new, light-fingered neighbours. Chester has found a medieval statute allowing the shooting of Welshmen from the walls of of the town after sundown, and sales of compound crossbows and heat-seeking bolts have rocketed in the city. When we interviewed a group of youths hanging around outside McDonald’s in Chester, one offered this opinion: “If we wanted f**king monkeys for neighbours, we’d move to f**king Borneo. It’s bad enough with the bloody Scousers coming here and nicking all our stuff, now this. It’s shit.â€A law going back to the time of Harold II, better known for courteously allowing William to conquer England in 1066, states that any Welshman venturing east of Offa’s Dyke should have his right hand cut off. Many in affected areas are keen to see this stand up in a court of law. One smallholder in Tewkesbury told us: “I’ve got a sodding great machete in my shed. If I get one of those buggers in my yard, trying to syphon petrol out of my tractor, or impregnate my daughter, I’ll have more than their bloody hand off!†Just one of many similar comments that we heard when we interviewed people in the area. High passions have indeed been aroused in this formerly peaceable part of the country.But many social workers and do-gooders living in London, and other towns far from the problem think that we shouldn’t be so quick to judge our new-found neighbours. One Christian in Gerard’s Cross, who wished to remain anonymous, but whom we can exclusively name as Dafydd Owain ‘Jones The Butcher’ Lloyd told us: “My great-great-grandfather always swore that he was from somewhere in Wales, Lllll… somewhere. We’ve never told anyone, they’d never have believed us, but now with this fresh evidence, it seems that we have been borne out.†Their neighbours said: “We thought there was something fishy going on. All that ginger hair, and always singing, and playing rugby. Badly. This is football country round here, and that lot stand out like a sore thumb.â€Not everyone was as delighted as Mr. Lloyd with the news though. Dr. Alfred Pepper, an eminent geologist at the University of Ipswich, said: “Surely with the advances that have been made in science, there must be some way of making an incision into the bedrock all the way up Offa’s Dyke, and towing Wales out to sea using the glorious ironclads of Her Majesty's Grand Fleet. People have been talking about such an idea for hundreds of years*, and it would be the ideal way to stop this menace for once and for all.â€But now, with advances in science, perhaps we will be able to learn more about our strange, choral cousins. Much work has been done, and many painstaking hours have already been spent on research into their dialect, and some progress has been made. What was previously understood to be hostile hissing and spitting actually appears to be some form of primitive speech, incredibly enough.Perhaps one day soon, we will be able to live comfortably with these people adjoining us. After all, since the days of Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Highland Clearances, we have been able to tolerate the smell of socks, broiled sheeps innards and simmering defeat drifting down from North of the Border; so why not these proud little people of Wales, given as they are to rebellion, anthracite and close-knit communities. What a boring place the world would be if we were all the same (although the British Empire did do a sterling job at trying). There is room for both peoples in this part of the world.Who knows, in time, perhaps they will learn to ape and even emulate their rich and advanced English cousins, and enter - at last - the Modern Era. I leave you with that thought…Footnote:* This idea, whilst sounding far-fetched, does has some historical precedents. Experts believe that the Isle of Man was once also part of the mainland, and was towed out to sea by jealous Vikings from Norway, reluctant to share their territory with anyone else, whilst Lundy in the Bristol Chanmel was ejected from Britain in Saxon times because, as Geoffrey of Monmouth attests, “Ye birdes shatte everywharre onde maydde a ryght messe of ye playc.†This fouling got so bad that in 803AD, the Aldermen of Minehead decided that they would stand for guano on the Town Beach no more, and paid Irish pirates 1,000 marks to tow the offending area out into the Bristol Channel and leave it there.
You'll never self-actualize the subconscious canopy of stardust with that attitude.
it is well known that PMS Elle is evil.
I think you'd fit in a 12" or at least a 16" firework mortar
You win this thread because that's most unsettling to even think about.
A + each to GA and cal; the emoticon war between you two actually had me laughing out loud, for some reason.
