Well, THIS made me laugh...but only partly 'cause I wrote it.
/satire
MODEST PROPOSAL II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
Having completed an exhaustive one-hour research survey to attempt to explain why medical marijuana bills and ballot initiatives are subject to such stringent opposition, I have come up with the primary reason. According to Rhode Island Governor Donald Carcieri (LA Times news wire, 6/13/09) and too many others to count, the manufacture and sale of illegal drugs in the state would send the wrong message to children about drug use.
This would seem to be an insoluble conundrum. Most psychiatrists know that, once the subject of children is brought up in any discussion of anything, most parents undergo what is medically known as “brain-lock;” they are unable or unwilling to continue to engage in rational discussion, reduced to uttering such hoary barnyard clichés as “What about the children?” and “Won’t somebody *please* think about the children?”
But with every roadblock, there is the possibility of a detour, and I believe I have found one. Let us say that the citizens of Rhode Island wish to continue to have a rational discussion about the legal use and sale of marijuana in the state. In response to objections from parents’ groups that even discussion of this issue would send the wrong message to children, the following suggestion is made: put all children in Rhode Island up for adoption, with the sole stipulation being that the adoptive parents may not reside in a state considering marijuana legislation of any kind. Any children who cannot be adopted for reasons of age, temperament, or mental/physical impairment will be taken to state euthanasia centers, where their lives will be humanely terminated. Problem solved.
Now of course there will be the usual hysterical objections from the usual nattering nabobs: NOW, the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, the PTA, Boy and Girl Scouts of America, NAMBLA, Rush Limbaugh and other soi-disant patriotic organizations. I say, “Phooey on them.” If they’re not going to be part of the solution, that axiomatically makes them part of the problem. And we already have enough problems.
William of Occam reminds us that the simplest solution to a problem is usually the best. Since there is continual opposition to rational discussion of the drug issue, and it would not be financially or logistically feasible to reeducate or lobotomize recalcitrant opponents of rational discourse, that leaves children. Children do not have the same rights as adults: they cannot vote, or drink, or drive, or commit adultery. Therefore, they are ours to do with as we wish. And we, the rational citizens of America, wish to have a rational national discussion about drug legalization, unhindered by hysteria.
As our president has said, we do not have the luxury of endless time to debate these issues. The barn is burning, and we don’t have time to discuss what impact that will have on the youngsters. We need to act, and act fast, before history plows us under to provide fertile soil for the newest crop of Americans. And if we hesitate—if we wait too long—that crop will come a cropper and our great nation will be no more.
Punkdrew wishes it to be known that, for the record, he loves children. Medium rare, with BBQ sauce, bourbon baked beans and cole slaw.
