make someone laugh

[renaeden]

^ :lol: !

Animals that are Better than You (ignore the stupid laughter in the background)

[Peter]

Dutch tolerance:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=2bcbf8a3a8

[GalileoAce]

[DirtDawg]

A timely play on the cliche of ribbon-looking car magnets ...

[Alex179]

 :lol:

to both.

[El]

A timely play on the cliche of ribbon-looking car magnets ...

I totally want that.

[DirtDawg]

A timely play on the cliche of ribbon-looking car magnets ...

I totally want that.

Me, too!

I saw it on a car and had to go find it.

... except I'm going to paint black and yellow things dripping out of it, instead of red blood, like they did.

[Peter]

A Parent's Guide to Satanic Cult Ritual Abuse    

Your child comes home late every night. It has developed a curious habit lately of listening to heavy metal rock music. It no longer pays you any attention. It seems preoccupied. It spends more and more of its time away from home. You suspect that your child is experimenting with drugs. What can a parent do?
Like millions of other American youths, your child has most likely joined a Satanic cult. Though you may be shocked when you realize the truth, it is important to bear in mind that all teenagers at one time or another join cults. It's something that most parents don't want to face or deal with, so they try to ignore it. Discussing Devil worship with your child can be almost as awkward as trying to talk about sex.

Now that you run the risk of losing your child to a cult, how do you go about turning its interest back to the home and family? The answer is simple. Children tend to look elsewhere for things that are lacking in their own lives. If your youngster is attending rituals with strangers, it is because you are not providing what your child needs.

Satanic cult ritual abuse should begin at home, with the family. While you and your spouse have been secretly worshipping Satan in the privacy of your bedroom, you should have been sharing this intimate ritual with your kids. Children want and need to be involved in abusive rituals to create bonds between other family members that are strong and lasting.

Now that you know what you need to do, where do you begin?

WHY FORM A CULT?

By and large, the main reason your children should worship the Devil is to help them develop Multiple Personality Disorders (MPDs). These are very special traits that most children need and most likely will not receive in school. The more you tear away at a child's self image, the stronger it becomes. A child can only develop healthy MPDs after experiencing years and years of cult abuse. Remember the first time your parents abused you during a Satanic ritual? Remember how good it felt?

THE DISCUSSION

Choosing the right time to speak with your child is very important. Probably the best time for a discussion is when your child urgently needs to use the restroom. Sit it down and tell it that it can take care of its needs after you have a little chat. Abruptly slap the child in the face and tell it that it will not be allowed to leave the house at night anymore. If the child puts up a fight, slap it harder. Do not allow the child to go to the bathroom until it agrees to your demands.

When it returns from the restroom, tell your child that it will be required to attend Satanic cult rituals with the family beginning the following day after supper. Slap the child again and send it to bed.

WHY PRACTICE RITUALS?

Torture and pain release energy into the family circle and increase the spiritual power of the individuals. Rituals must be precisely completed as prescribed to prevent the wrath of Satan and his demons. The main reason for participation in rituals is to destroy self esteem and self confidence. Therefore, if anyone complains that the rituals make them feel bad, tell them that this is exactly how they are supposed to feel.

Ritual #1: Testing the Feces

On the first night, the family sits in a circle around a fire in the living room. One by one, each person stands and defecates onto a paper plate. After each family member has done their "duty", the plates are passed around the circle for inspection and testing. Testing is accomplished by placing a tablespoon of the feces on the back of the tongue. Explain to your children that they are eating pieces of Satan's body and that this is an honor. Should they be hesitant to taste the "food", threaten them by telling them they will be forced to go to church the following Sunday. This will prompt most children to immediately obey any command.

During this ritual, the family should openly discuss their feelings. Ask your children to express any visual imagery they might be experiencing. After all the feces have been tested, throw them on the fire. The family should then say goodnight and retire for the evening.

Ritual #2: Mommy Gets Tubed

Begin the second night's ritual by saying a short prayer to the Devil. The mother's body is then suspended naked from the ceiling. The other family members take turns inserting tubes into the ears, nose, mouth, barnhole, and mystery hole of the mother. Once the tubes have been inserted, each person takes turns pouring liquids into the tubes to see what effect they have. Try using bleach, paint remover, insecticide, weed killer, or battery acid. Be creative. Mom will be sure to let you know how she feels by making funny faces and by creating some intriguing sounds.

After she has been sufficiently tested, the remaining family members take turns lashing at Mom with a metal rod. After she has been properly beaten, put Mom to bed so that she may recover for the next night's ritual.

Ritual #3: Sacrificing the Dog

As you and your children should already know, any dog that is truly loyal is a dog that must be sacrificed. Begin by petting your furry trusting friend and giving him some treats. Then have the youngest family member nail the dog's feet to the floor. Do not bind the snout of the dog. The dog must be allowed to sing about its pain. Each person then takes part in removing the dog's skin, taking care not to burst any main arteries. The dog must remain alive during the skinning. Once the dog has been skinned, twenty thick needles are inserted through its muscle tissue. The dog's urgent, strained cries are heavenly music to Satan's delicate ears.

After it has been tortured for a minimum of 90 minutes, throw the dog on the fire and do some serious chanting. When it stops breathing, the ritual is over. The family can now begin discussing what kind of dog they want next.

Ritual #4: Sister Has a "Baby"

Your daughter has made a serious error in judgment and tonight she must pay. She allowed herself to be impregnated by a black man, and this mistake must now be corrected. Have your son tie his sister securely to the dining room table with heavy rope. Each family member then lights a black candle and drips hot wax onto the daughter's breasts and eyelids. In this particular ritual, the daughter's mouth should be taped so that she cannot make any sound. This is her punishment for making such a bad mistake. The mock abortion then begins.

The mother lifts the daughter's skirt and pretends to remove a large lizard from her barnhole. As soon as the lizard has been "born", it is sliced in half and eaten. Next, the father pulls slugs from underneath the daughter's dress as if she were "having" them. The son then pulls live pig embryos from the daughter's mystery hole that were inserted prior to the ritual. If all goes according to plan, the embryos will now float in a circle over the daughter's head chanting familiar nursery rhymes.

All the family members then ridicule the daughter by telling her how ugly her barnhole is. They take turns making lacerations in her abdomen. The daughter is then untied and told that she is now healthy.

Ritual #5: Like Father, Like Son

Women can never worship Satan properly until they understand what makes men tick. This ritual begins with the mother and daughter showing homosexual porn videos to the father and brother. As the men become aroused, they remove their clothing and stand naked before the women. The father and son then perform mutually until they reach orgasm. As their seed falls to the floor, the women must catch it in little glass vials.

The vials are then heated over an open fire. As soon as the semen boils, LSD is added to it. Each family member then ingests a small amount of the mixture. Once everyone is tripping, the family takes turns branding each other with a hot cattle prod. Remember...any pain that may be experienced is imaginary. The ritual ends with the family playing "Jingle Jangle" on kazoos.

Ritual #6: Beating the Hell Out of Each Other

The sixth ritual is relatively simple. After donning black gowns and meditating for a few moments, the family simply tries to kill one another. In this ritual, anything is game. Individuals may use knives, sticks, bats, or anything they deem will be useful to them to adequately injure other family members. The only stipulation during this ritual is that each individual must yell "Satan is Lord" prior to delivering any cuts or blows.

After everyone has been cut up and beaten, any and all blood must be drained into a large aluminum bucket. Once the bucket is full, each person urinates into it. Thus endeth ritual
number six.

Ritual #7: Having Friends Over to Play

At this point, your children may complain that they are never allowed to have friends over. This is a good time to tell them that they can have a female friend over to join in tonight's ritual. Have your children tell the friend to arrive after dark. Prior to the girl's arrival, a small isolation pit should be dug in the back yard, out of the sight of neighbors. When the friend arrives, her tongue is severed and she is thrown into the pit. This ritual is ongoing, as the girl is slowly and methodically starved and tortured. Urine and blood saved from the prior ritual should be lightly sprinkled onto the girl each morning. All family members are invited to creatively abuse the girl at least once daily. Some families claim that after they get used to the new pet, they never even want another dog.

DETERMINING THE RESULTS

If you've performed these rituals correctly, your child will be permanently affected. The things your child should have learned are: (1) obedience, (2) the importance of listening to others, (3) respect for parents, (4) how to play a kazoo, and (5) the difference between right and wrong.

The next time you think about going out for dinner or to a movie, perform a Satanic ritual instead. You'll not only save your family money...you'll save their souls as well.

[Dexter Morgan]

[DirtDawg]

NO!

This is not Burger King! This is Asperger King. You can NOT have it your way. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and stop fucking overstimming me or you might not get anything!

You want fries with that. I know you do! Everyone has fries! What the fuck do you mean, "Hold the fries!?!"

I'm NOT going to touch the fucking things! They're yours! You hold them.







Good one. I can see so many possibilities.

[GalileoAce]

@ both Dexter and Dawg

[Peter]

Well, what a day I was having, playing some football down at the Palace grounds in Hamilton, when a group of neds appear from the far corner of the field (near the Davie Cooper monument, for those of you who are in the know). The area was mainly empty at the time, with the exception of sprinklers, currently turned on to water the field. "Sprinkler" meets "Low Form of Intellegence". It of course wasn't long before the herd moved to their little water hole and began to play loudly enough to entertain most of the West Coast. The phrase used next was possibly one of the most idiotic lines I have ever heard. Anybody with half a braincell would have quite probably laughed, had they known how to.

"Awww naw, it's fokkin' ringin'!!!" shouted our little uneducated friend... three letters people, O.M.G. This little fanny, seemed to lack the simple ability to predict that the water, coming from the sprinkler, would indeed be wet before he ran straight through it. This was definately a level of blatant stupidity that has been worked on for many years, because it takes an awful lot of work to reverse 10 million years of evolution in the span of a 16 year old life (lifetime is approximation). But fear not, our little friend from Hamilton managed to do it with time to spare, and his next move, would defy belief.

As the sprinkler turned away, he positioned himself, or rather, his genitals (presuming he hadn't cut them of for food), straight towards the sprinkler at a distance of roughly 3cm (give or take). Now, let me explain, that the water pressure in a simple showerhead is powerful enough to throw water in an arc, roughly two metres, and can clearly be felt as stronger, when a hand is put right up to the showerhead. This however is an industrial sized sprinkler, used to push water almost 20 metres across a park.The next shout, was no surprise.

"Ahhhh, ma fokkin' baws... that hurts yer fokkin' baws". I simply can't find the words, I just can't. It was painful to watch, as he ran around with an IQ that would struggle to contend with a dead gerbil, or even, dare I say it, a footballer. That's all for now...

[renaeden]

  Those were some strong sprinklers....and that guy deserved it!
Fifth grade class an assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."

[Leto729]

Those were some strong sprinklers....and that guy deserved it!
Fifth grade class an assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."

[El]

Those were some strong sprinklers....and that guy deserved it!
Fifth grade class an assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."