make someone laugh

[GalileoAce]

Erk..

[maldoror]

[ozymandias]

PRESIDENT IN 2008?

  Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008.

  For those of you who would like a choice for President, we have a solution: It is probably time we have a highly qualified woman as President. One choice is a very special lady who has the answers to all our problems.

  PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment...

 

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

 
Very eloquently put ... don't you think?
  Maxine on "Driver Safety". "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."...

  Maxine on "Housework"  "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

  Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

  Maxine on "The Perfect Man"  "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

  Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

  Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."


  "I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."


 

  "The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

  "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

  "To err is human;  to forgive, highly unlikely."

  "Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?? (Now that's scary!)"

  "Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
< /FONT>
  "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere ... you may be dead."

 

(Maxine is a character from humorous Hallmark cards.  She's a crotchety old biddy!   )
   
 










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Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

[ozymandias]

Erk..

And the funeral will be when??

[GalileoAce]

[DirtDawg]

This is probably "old news" to some, but I found lots of weird things by following links from Bob and Tom Show (wiki) website.

Martha Stewart's Prison Diary

B & T jokes page**



**my favorite:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[duncvis]

[renaeden]

USS Enterprise
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Writing Assignment
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca {last name deleted} and Gary {last name deleted}

English 44A SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

[SovaNu]

USS Enterprise
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

that's farkin hilarious.

[El]

   renaeden

[maldoror]

USS Enterprise
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Yeah, just like the cactus which was so full of spiders that it exploded belonged to an ACTUAL person. Fucking navy. They get billions of our tax dollars a year and they still don't have the technology to differentiate between a lighthouse and a mobile ship.

[Alex179]

Holy shit I am going to have to send that to some of my friends in the navy.   I am sure they have already heard about it, just doing it to rub it in and poke fun at them as usual.

[renaeden]

Proper use of the “F” word.

When is @#$% acceptable ?

There are only eleven times in history when the “F”word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?”
– Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. “What the @#$% was that?”
– Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”
– Custer, 1877

8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”
– Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so @#$ %ing look like her!”
– Picasso, 1926

6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”
– Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
– Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the @#$% are we?”
– Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”
– Noah, 4314 BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”
– Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please…………!

1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.”
– Saddam Hussein, 2003

[odeon]

 

[renaeden]