"I would like to recommend suicide. Let me explain this out of my own experiences.
I have always opposed my own Asperger diagnosis, never felt that it was deliberating or the explanation to things that it should be. Lived a socially active life and by mental force worked away the Asperger traces I had. Though it was never possible to get rid of the stamp, especially not when I had always used to getting into conflicts and 'improper' behaviour.
To live with and amongst NT people has thus not worked very well for me. The only thing that it has led to is hatred against the diagnosis on one hand and hatred against society and its institutions and the normal man on the other.
The worst thing is that I'm still drawn to more or less neurotypical personalities. Aspies give me zero stimulation. They are like lifeless shells for me. Another of all problems with being a bit of an aspie myself but not being able to fully identify me with the diagnosis.
I was considered very talented, everyone that ever knew me know that I'm very talented in many ways. But I never made any use of this, because of the constant conflicts that I ended up into and the Asperger ghost that was dwelling there like an infected wound and from time to time reminded me.
To be more normal than the average aspie outside but inside have problems that in some respects are worse than for an average aspie is not a pleasant life.
One of many Asperger features that I no longer have is that of obsessions. I feel empty and totally unmotivated. I would need an obsession to live for. There are two things I need, one of them is some sort of interest and the other is love and the relationship to another human being.
I actually never had the need for routines. Routines are for me mere suffocating and become a stress. To break routines is to break the stress and has for long time been my way to save energy.
I am much more handsome than the average, thank goodness, and have had sexual relationships when I was younger. Never needed to take the initiative, since I have always been the one that was the hunted. I know that I am a good lover too.
Have come to the conclusion that you are being damaged by having problems with compromising and problems to accept some social structures/behaviours, while at the same time trying to live as a neurotypical. Your mind gets sick after several years of this mental oppression. That now, at the age of 25, surrender to society and go back to basics, start school all over again, and seek some meaningless fulfilment that hardly interests me, feels unlikely.
I have already decided how I am going to die and about when. Hypothermia is by far the best way to commit suicide and every winter I come closer to a decision.
I am caught in an impossible situation. I cannot regrediate and undo those changes in personality that I started to develop already as an 11-12 year old and fored upon myself during all my teens to become 'normal'. I cannot be lower functioning and adapt some Asperger behaviors that I DO NOT have.
At the same time I cannot make peace with society. School is the thing I hate at most, followed by the psychiatric care and the average person.
I am trapped in a no mans land between dysfunction and exceptional talent.
Being that close to suffering, powerlessness and being an outsider and with those understandings of myself I am apt to understand both evil and goodness and being thrown between feelings of hatred and love but...I can never live in the middle, where you are supposed to live mentally to fit in and being loved and to earn your living.
Sometimes I think that the failure of my life is wasted human talent, even though I'm not fully able to say what kind of talent it is all about, and sometimes I feel that I should put an end to it instead of delaying what I have already decided to do. To die.
If I had not been good looking and had some nice mental and social talents that I forced myself to develop despite my hatred against and unwillingness to accept AS during my teens I would have hated myself.
As it is now I can actually see some kind of beauty in myself despite the fact that I was never allowed to be the child that I wanted to be.
Not belonging anywhere, neither with AS people nor with the normal and beside that feeling a strong hatred against both groups, against your own incapability and the parts of yourself that you deny is devastating over time.
Asperger's has not helped me one wit. The diagnosis itself has been like a heavy rock to carry during most of my life. Least of all deliberating.
Emptiness, the lack of creative employment and intense love to another human being is like already being dead inside.
It even feels as if the need for creative stimulation faints in comparison to someone that you can create a completely unique close relationship to. I cannot exist without love, it is as simple as that.
With love in my life I would probably even be able to do what I consider boring in order to survive. I am neurotyipcal enough for that.
I am as much of an outsider that one can possibly be, depsite the fact that I actually make an impression of the opposite. Weak and unsure or mediocre people get scared by me or uncertain in my presence and strong people with a go tend to give me sympathetic looks and comments but...People do not know how damaged I am inside, how empty and totally meaningless my life is.
Lately I have been wondering I whether I am at all human or not."
