Afraid and scared.
I really only have one friend; my brother - my younger brother. No one else is as close to me or can ever be as close. He is going to have a very serious medical procedure (open heart surgery) done tomorrow before sun up. I am afraid for him and I am afraid that my own worthless ass will be left alone if something goes wrong.
This is a bunch of mixed up shit to think about.
True enough ...
... I can't find a way to make this NOT about me. I hate being me!!
NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT ME!!
.. why can't I know that!
It's about you both. You can't not be you, and you care about your brother. I hope it goes well for him.
It's good to see you back but I wish the circumstances were better.
Thanks, for your all your kindnesses.
I am still afraid and still scared. Things are are still "up in the air," it seems.
My brother has not re-gained consciousness as yet (this part is troubling), but according to my Sis-in-law, the doctors say that the surgery (two heart valve replacements with mechanical substitutes, in one operation) went well. All should be fine if he wakes up. He hasn't, yet, after more than twenty four hours.
It is important that he wakes up today or the possibility continues that major brain damage has occurred during the atttempt to shut his heart down and fix his heart valves. I have talked on the phone so many times to so many people that I am losing my grip!
My nephew (he is twenty two, ADHD/atypical autistic as well, amazingly intelligent and insightful) feels that he has already lost his dad and that however (or IF) his dad wakes up, he will never be the same man. I have a rough time NOT feeling the same way. I have tried to help him to see that however he wakes up, our loved one will be the same richly resourceful and clever man as always, but mostly, he will need our help more than ever to recover.
It is not time to mourn; it is time to remain positive.