Wow - all that time with her, and it never occurred to you to wonder? I would have been curious as hell.
I plead being drunk and insane during most of our time together.
My emotions were always on the edge then - more than usual.
Perhaps the longest period of my life where I was living. Enough to
even pursue acting.
It's hard to say what her motivations were. All I can do is throw guesses out there, because I don't know her well enough to have any real certainty of insight.
Yeah, but you have a lot of psychological insight that I don't
seem to. I just KNOW things, without understanding the why.
You said at one point that one of you and your wife was impressed that the other allowed them to draw blood from them (or something like that). It could be a similar but even more impressive demonstration of devotion.
She very deliberately provoked you into rage and then testified on your behalf. That could be a form of replaying trauma related to Stockholm Syndrome, and a murder trial might be a similar thrill, a step beyond assault.
It might have been linked somehow to suicidal dreams of hers - like she might have fantasized about being killed after a rape herself. Heck, with the fact that identity loss is a common PTSD symptom, it might be some form of replaying her own perceived death.
I think this is a pretty good guess. All of it. Might explain her fascination with
being asphyxiated as well. Almost all of her sexual pleasure was based on either
power games, or violence. She never taunted me for being too caring and loving
though, which I've found to be the case in most who seem at all like her.
I'm always so torn by the feelings that we had. She unleashed things in me
that shouldn't have been touched at all, but they are so powerful, that I miss
them constantly. Throughout my time with my wife, I often wanted that rage
and violence - there was just no way that I could subjugate her to that pain.
