God, I really need to find a way to curb the bitterness and jealousy. :/ Also i want to bitch-slap my mother for SO many reasons. I could be so much happier and better off right now.
I think I need to find a better way to deal with my anger. Internalizing was good enough for awhile,
as it spared me the stress of confrontations, but after 40-some years it has gotten exhausting.
Girls, it is OK what you feel. Don't fret about that. Feel it, feel it deep. Feel the urges to hit or whatever. It's part of you. Don't feel guilty. Don't let the fake obligation to always be a sweet nice girl get to you. And then, let go. Don't let the ones you are having these problems with ruin the person you are. They have fucked with you more than enough. Time to let them go. They have no right to mess with you any more.
And if need be, go to a thrift shop and buy the most ugly plates you can find. Smashing them and then carefully picking up the pieces to discard of them can be really calming. And fuck it what the neighbours might think.
(need some peptalk like that myself now and then too.
)