Wondering which of these would be best to send:
Mom,
Funny, I was just thinking about how much I hate your lying, miserable guts. Good job helping your ex-boyfriend's daughter grow her own weed. Also good job guilting me for every dime I spent at the time when you were getting high on a much more regular basis than you'd have admitted to me. Go fuck yourself, or your new thirteen-steeper boyfriend, and leave me the hell alone.
Mom,
Please do not contact me except for financial purposes or for emergencies which I need to be aware of. Your high school prom pictures from 30 years ago finding their way on facebook is neither of those, and quite fucking frankly, I don't really care to see a picture of a teenage you looking pissed off at a drunk-ass teenage my-father because he's making an idiotic face for a camera someone's pointing at him.
Mom,
You don't 'love and miss' me. You need a soul for that.
Mom,
Please do not contact me again except for finanical puposes, for emergencies, or if you ever actually decide to do a step 9. I'll probbaly have an idea of when you're doing step 8 if you're actually doing it in a fully honest and genuine manner because I'm pretty sure it would reverse global warming if hell froze over.
...not that I'll send any of them. I just like to fantasize.